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Thread: Women

  1. #501
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    4,159

    Re: Women

    These don't mention male or female. Just shows stupidity comes in both.



    IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently

    had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to

    request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too

    many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there

    anymore. This one was from Kingman , KS

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell

    and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for

    "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And

    he was a Kansas City chef!

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when

    an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without

    your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how

    would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened

    in Birmingham , Ala.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's

    safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually

    challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer

    was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is

    red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing

    driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker

    who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented

    cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was

    spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights

    stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her

    power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't

    understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas

    County Sheriff's office no less.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an

    automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had

    been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a

    mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I

    watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle

    and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the

    technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got

    that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,

    Mississippi !

    __________________________________________________ _____

    And they walk among us and REPRODUCE.

    Kinda scary, huh?
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #502
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    32,063

    Re: Women

    Those are hilarious, Fedje! The last one will be sent to my stepson...he works at a Ford dealership and will be sure to pass it around there! LOL!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #503
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    52,219

    Re: Women

    [size=18px]The Female Brain[/size]


    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  4. #504
    VikesfaninWis's Avatar
    VikesfaninWis is offline Jersey Retired
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    Dec 1969
    Posts
    5,053

    Re: Women

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    These don't mention male or female. Just shows stupidity comes in both.



    IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently

    had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to

    request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too

    many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there

    anymore. This one was from Kingman , KS

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell

    and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for

    "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And

    he was a Kansas City chef!

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when

    an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without

    your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how

    would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened

    in Birmingham , Ala.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's

    safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually

    challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer

    was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is

    red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing

    driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker

    who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented

    cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was

    spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights

    stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her

    power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't

    understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas

    County Sheriff's office no less.

    __________________________________________________ _____

    IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an

    automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had

    been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a

    mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I

    watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle

    and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the

    technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got

    that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,

    Mississippi !

    __________________________________________________ _____

    And they walk among us and REPRODUCE.

    Kinda scary, huh?



    ROTFLMAO, That is good..

  5. #505
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Women


    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  6. #506
    Mr-holland's Avatar
    Mr-holland is offline Team Alumni
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    3,443

    Re: Women

    Wahahaha:P
    Thats a good one wehehe
    Rosie O'Donnell is a dude!

  7. #507
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Women

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

    "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

    She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  8. #508
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Women

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

    "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:

    "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

    "A nickel," the barman replied.

    "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

    "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

    The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  9. #509
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Women

    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
    on her face.

    "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

    "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
    the cream with a tissue.

    "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  10. #510
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Women

    This is a hoot! Someone is very clever...



    BIBLICAL ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

    Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

    And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.

    "YAHOO," said Abraham.

    And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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