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  1. #1
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
    BBQ Platypus is offline Team Alumni
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    Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

    Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

    Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

    When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    The quickest way to a man’s heart is
    with Chuck Norris’s fist.

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last
    century was the fact that Hitler did not
    commit suicide in his bunker,
    but was in fact tea-bagged
    to death by Chuck Norris.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."

    There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down!

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

    Chuck Norris is so good at round-house kicks to the face that when he did it to God, God died and Chuck Norris took his place.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #2
    snowinapril's Avatar
    snowinapril is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    I have no idea why, and I missed it, but Norris was on the Best Damn SPORTS Show Period last week.

    Missed IT, not really too sad about it though.

    Anyone see it??????

  3. #3
    LuckyVike's Avatar
    LuckyVike is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    :adore: >Chuck Norris<
    The best part of my day is when I get down on my knees, with my head in my hands, and thank GOD for everything he has given me.

  4. #4
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    Here's another one:

    Instead of shaving in the morning, Chuck Norris gives himself a roundhouse kick in the face. This is because the only object that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  5. #5
    cc21 is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    How dare you BBQ! vikez4lyfe is way more chuck norris than you will ever be! This is war!

  6. #6
    LuckyVike's Avatar
    LuckyVike is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    Here's a few that I've read that weren't on that list.

    Chuck Norris uses a live Rattle Snake as a condom.

    The term "balls to the wall" came from when Chuck Norris entered any room smalling than an airplane hanger.

    Chuck Norris once swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

    One time Chuck Norris and Mr. T entered a bar together. The bar immediately exploded because it couldn't handle all of the awsomeness.
    The best part of my day is when I get down on my knees, with my head in my hands, and thank GOD for everything he has given me.

  7. #7
    Webby's Avatar
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    I am Chuck Norris.

  8. #8
    cc21 is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    "webmaster" wrote:
    I am Chuck Norris.
    Hmmmmmmm.............................Now it all makes sense! :lol:

  9. #9
    LuckyVike's Avatar
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    "webmaster" wrote:
    I am Chuck Norris.
    :salute:
    The best part of my day is when I get down on my knees, with my head in my hands, and thank GOD for everything he has given me.

  10. #10
    Webby's Avatar
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    Re: Why Chuck Norris is more awesome than Vikez4Lyfe

    awe man, I thought someone would for sure kick me in the virtual balls for even kidding about Chuck Norris.


    Chuck Norris should be our QB. He'd score all the points himself, and roundhouse kick GB Al Harris. Bonus.

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