[size=12pt]Warrior Penguins Maim Dozens in South Atlantic Massacre[/size]
By Bob Michael February 19, 2007
STANLEY, East Falkland -- Penguins raided a herring shop today, injuring the store owner and at least twenty-six customers.
"And I'm afraid that's just the start," said bird expert Alan Gannett. "They've been getting bolder in their dealings with humans and we've discovered why: they're hoarding leftover munitions from the 1982 Falklands War."
Gannett calls the birds' weapons-caching an offshoot of their nesting behavior.
"Well, what did we expect?" Gannett said. "The RAF plunked their Mount Pleasant station right in the middle of the Gentoo penguins' habitat. Gentoos with blotchier markings disappeared against the soldiers and equipment, making those birds safe from local predators." The result? Local Gentoos now wear the official camouflage of the British land forces, albeit in black and white.
The penguins have also gathered helmets and grenades and have consequently lost their status as an endangered species.
"In fact, the birds have nearly obliterated their natural enemies, the leopard seals," according to Gannett. "I've actually seen Gentoos mimic British sonar equipment and pinpoint these predators underwater with a quack. They've also learned to use the grenades as little depth charges."
But Gannett said the balance of power could change.
"If the seals continue to hang out near their visiting U.S. Navy counterparts, imitating their attack strategies, the tide may turn soon."