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Thread: War Averted

  1. #1
    Del Rio Guest

    War Averted

    {Apologies in advance to any of our French poster's - feel free to slap me down with a redneck slapdown of your choice...}

    Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begorra! !" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the ! war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two
    hundred thousand!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

  2. #2
    AngloVike's Avatar
    AngloVike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: War Averted

    "Del Rio" wrote:
    {Apologies in advance to any of our French poster's - feel free to slap me down with a redneck slapdown of your choice...}
    you just go right ahead Del Rio...... I won't mind and I know a certain Vike fan over in Washington State won't mind either ... now will you PacNWVike ........ :lol: :lol:
    Time spent annoying a Packer fan is never time wasted...


  3. #3
    Viking_Spirit is offline Star Spokesman
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    War Averted

    LMAO!

    Guns don t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

  4. #4
    Del Rio Guest

    War Averted

    Even more important then the war is this.



    [size=18px]Man peed way out of avalanche[/size]

    A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

    Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

    He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

    But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

    He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

    He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

    Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

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