OK, its slow and some of these are damn funny.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:


No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:


Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS:



Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS:


I forget.
ATTORNEY:
You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS:

He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:
And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:

My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:

We both do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS:

We do.
ATTORNEY:
You do?
WITNESS:

Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:
;
Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:


Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:

Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS:


Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: &nbs p;
Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:

She had three children, right?
WITNESS:


Yes.
ATTORNEY:

How many were boys?
WITNESS:


None.
ATTORNEY:

Were there any girls?
WITNESS :

Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:&n bsp;

By death.
ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:

Now whose death do you suppose
terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:

He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY:
Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:

Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:

No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:


All my aut opsies are performed on
dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS:


Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:


The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:


No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS:


Huh....are you qualified to ask that
question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:


No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:


No.
ATTORNEY:
Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:


No.
ATTORNEY:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS:


No.
ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:


Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:
I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:


Yes, it is possible that he could have