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  1. #1
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

    Clause 1: Dates
    A. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.

    B. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.

    C. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.
    By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: Attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.

    Clause 2: Dialogue
    A. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.
    Rule 2-a above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.
    B. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.

    C. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.
    Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).

    Clause 3: The Bedroom
    A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.

    B. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.

    Clause 4: Family
    A. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

    B. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.

    Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
    A. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

    B. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guy’s Night.

    C. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.

    D. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:
    She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
    She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
    No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.

    Clause 5: Love
    A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.
    The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
    After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
    The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or coworkers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.
    By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.



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  2. #2
    davike's Avatar
    davike is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    Yeah if there is a woman like that out there, I sure haven't heard of her :

    I can't help but wonder if any guy would have the guts to ask his girlfriend to actually sign or even consider this and make it "official".

    Thanks Josdin00 for the sig!

  3. #3
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
    VKG4LFE is offline Jersey Retired Tetris Champion, Monkey GO Happy 4 Champion
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    Would a woman really sit down and read that whole thing? Highly unlikey, they would rip it up in our faces!

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    "VKG4LFE" wrote:
    Would a woman really sit down and read that whole thing? Highly unlikey, they would rip it up in our faces!
    So, are you telling me that you don't completely read the EULA's when you install new software or hardware on your PC (system) ?

    I found typos in a few and reported it to the manufacturer.
    The particular EULA was a few years old.
    I thought; why hasn't anyone caught and reported these typos yet?

    When we stop to think about it, most folks behavior isn't perplexing after all !

  5. #5
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
    VKG4LFE is offline Jersey Retired Tetris Champion, Monkey GO Happy 4 Champion
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    EULA? Huh? I'm confused.

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  6. #6
    Join Date
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    EULA !

    End User License Agreement.

    It's obvious to me now that you are ANOTHER person who doesn't read the EULAs when you install or update your software...

    ____I accept Purplexing's Premise

    ____I do not accept Purplexing's Premise
    When we stop to think about it, most folks behavior isn't perplexing after all !

  7. #7
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
    VKG4LFE is offline Jersey Retired Tetris Champion, Monkey GO Happy 4 Champion
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    LOL!!

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  8. #8
    Join Date
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    lol that so made me laugh...that is totally my relationship but total role reversial. I like the sports and he doesn't but I drag him along anyway
    ;D All for a good cause Im trying to make him a Viking fan!




    No matter how bad my life gets at least I m not a Packer fan.

  9. #9
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    "Purplexing" wrote:
    EULA !

    End User License Agreement.

    It's obvious to me now that you are ANOTHER person who doesn't read the EULAs when you install or update your software...

    ____I accept Purplexing's Premise

    ___X_I do not accept Purplexing's Premise

  10. #10
    Join Date
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    Re: The Perfect Girlfriend Contract

    "BadlandsViking" wrote:
    "Purplexing" wrote:
    EULA !

    End User License Agreement.

    It's obvious to me now that you are ANOTHER person who doesn't read the EULAs when you install or update your software...

    ____I accept Purplexing's Premise

    ___X_I do not accept Purplexing's Premise
    Since you do not accept the terms of the Purplexing EULA, you must erase any knowledge you gained reading Purplexing posts, and reset your Vikings knowledge base to its original form before viewing those posts.

    These declination terms are guided by the laws in effect in the Province of Valhalla.

    When we stop to think about it, most folks behavior isn't perplexing after all !

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