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  1. #201
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
    BBQ Platypus is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Montana Cowboy

    A Montana cowboy was moving his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a gol 'darnit thing about cows........ Now give me back my dog."
    :laughing3: :sign5:


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #202
    enlvikeman's Avatar
    enlvikeman is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from
    Kansas
    City to Chicago.

    The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
    asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
    don't
    big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
    stewardess.

    So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs
    have
    baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
    planes?"

    The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

    The boy said, "Yes, she did..."

    "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
    Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
    you.
    Note: forwarded message attached.

    ________________________________

    Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min. < http://us.rd.yahoo.com/mail_us/taglines/postman7/*http://us.rd.yahoo.com/evt=39666/*http://beta.messenger.yahoo.com >



    ---------- Forwarded message ----------
    From: "Shmausen" <[email protected]>
    To: "Shmausen" < [email protected]>
    Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 12:48:25 -0500
    Subject: Cute - baby planes
    A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
    City to Chicago.

    The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
    asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
    big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
    stewardess.

    So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have
    baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
    planes?"

    The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

    The boy said, "Yes, she did..."

    "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
    Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.



    "24 mil under the cap? there are teams 30 mil over the cap, heck that gives us at least 50 mil to spend"

    CollegeGuyJeff circa 2006

  3. #203
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page

    "enlvikeman" wrote:
    A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from
    Kansas
    City to Chicago.

    The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
    asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
    don't
    big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
    stewardess.

    So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs
    have
    baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
    planes?"

    The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

    The boy said, "Yes, she did..."

    "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
    Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
    you.
    Note: forwarded message attached.

    ________________________________

    Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min. < http://us.rd.yahoo.com/mail_us/taglines/postman7/*http://us.rd.yahoo.com/evt=39666/*http://beta.messenger.yahoo.com >



    ---------- Forwarded message ----------
    From: "Shmausen" <[email protected]>
    To: "Shmausen" < [email protected]>
    Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 12:48:25 -0500
    Subject: Cute - baby planes
    A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
    City to Chicago.

    The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and
    asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
    big planes have baby planes?"

    The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
    stewardess.

    So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have
    baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
    planes?"

    The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

    The boy said, "Yes, she did..."

    "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
    Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.
    :laughing3: :sign5:
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #204
    Join Date
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    281

    Re: Official Joke Page

    What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?



    Dam
    We can solve poverty today.

  5. #205
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page

    Can people really be this stupid?

    1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

    2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

    3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

    4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

    5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

    6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

    7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

    8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

    9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #206
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

    "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #207
    enlvikeman's Avatar
    enlvikeman is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    >> >> Only Marylanders Would Understand....
    >> >>
    >> >> The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an
    Ocean City
    >> >> man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State
    Troopers.
    >> >> "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your
    wife,"
    >> >> said
    >> >> one trooper.
    >> >>
    >> >> "Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.
    >> >>
    >> >> The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad
    news, some
    >> >> good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to
    hear first?"
    >> >>
    >> >> Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news
    first."
    >> >>
    >> >> The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
    morning we found
    >> >> your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."
    >> >>
    >> >> "Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked,
    "What's the good
    >> >> news?"
    >> >>
    >> >> The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge
    blue crabs
    >> >> and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."
    >> >>
    >> >> Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's
    the great
    >> >> news?"
    >> >>
    >> >> The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
    >> >>
    >> >> ***You just can't keep Marylanders away from their crabs.***



    "24 mil under the cap? there are teams 30 mil over the cap, heck that gives us at least 50 mil to spend"

    CollegeGuyJeff circa 2006

  8. #208
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #209
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    THE DENTIST & THE SCOTSMAN

    A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

    "$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.

    "$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

    "That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

    "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

    "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."

    "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"

    "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40."

    "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

    "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5. But it will be traumatic."

    "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman, "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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