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  1. #101
    sleepagent is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    THE BICYCLE & A MORTGAGE!

    For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. Money is really tight, there's no way we can afford it".

    The next morning, the father saw Patrick heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?"

    Little Patrick told him "I was walking past your bedroom door last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $180,000 mortgage and no bicycle."

    "No Greater Friend . . . No Worse Enemy. U.S. MARINES"
    "FIND YOUR PASSION AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!"
    "SUCCESS LOOKS EASY TO THOSE THAT WEREN'T THERE WHEN IT WAS BEING ACHIEVED!"

  2. #102
    AngloVike's Avatar
    AngloVike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    Who says men don't remember anniversaries -
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
    He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.
    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
    'Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
    "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"
    "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I
    will send you to jail for 20 years?"
    "I remember that too." she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today"
    Time spent annoying a Packer fan is never time wasted...


  3. #103
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    Good Humor

    An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several
    years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
    horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
    properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
    hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed
    a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
    the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
    skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
    and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
    you leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
    ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding
    the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and
    enthusiasm every time.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #104
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    Those are pretty good! :lol: Keep them coming!

    Here are some blond jokes.

    5 degrees of blondes

    1st DEGREE

    A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
    morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
    listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles
    from here!" and hung up.

    The husband said, "Who was that?"

    The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
    coast is clear."

    *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´

    2nd DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
    the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
    the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

    The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
    So the first blonde hands her the compact.
    The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


    *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*
    3rd DEGREE

    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
    out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
    and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
    Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
    and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

    *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´

    4th DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
    She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
    A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
    The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

    *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`

    5th DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
    house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once
    and reported the crime.
    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
    unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
    officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran
    out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
    sat down on the steps.
    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
    "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
    They send me a BLIND policeman!"

    *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #105
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    This one is really good!

    A Nun At Hooters ---

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    Well, in that case I'll just look the otherway," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand....why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender...."would you like a drink?"

    But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender.... "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights goes out...
    .........now, how about that drink?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #106
    ryanmurphy is offline Pro-Bowler
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    What do you call a Packer fan that raises goats and sheep?



    Bisexual

  7. #107
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    Why are pubic hairs short & curly?






    Because if they were straight, they'd poke your eyes out.

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  8. #108
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    "singersp" wrote:
    Why are pubic hairs short & curly?






    Because if they were straight, they'd poke your eyes out.
    Really? :lol:
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #109
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    This one is really good!

    A Nun At Hooters ---

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    Well, in that case I'll just look the otherway," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand....why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender...."would you like a drink?"

    But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender.... "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights goes out...
    .........now, how about that drink?"
    Hey...have some respect!!!

    My aunt is a nun!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  10. #110
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    This one is really good!

    A Nun At Hooters ---

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    Well, in that case I'll just look the otherway," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand....why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender...."would you like a drink?"

    But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender.... "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights goes out...
    .........now, how about that drink?"
    Hey...have some respect!!!

    My aunt is a nun!!!
    Then tell her to leave the fig leaf in place! :sign5:
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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