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  1. #1
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    I've decided to start a thread to post random thoughts that make little or no sense. I will write various "creative" compositions, and your replies will consist of you trying to make sense of them. If I do my job right, the most common reply will be "WTF?"

    Stay tuned for your first look into my deeply troubled mind!


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #2
    ultravikingfan's Avatar
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    Re: Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    "BBQ Platypus" wrote:
    I've decided to start a thread to post random thoughts that make little or no sense.
    A lot of people already do this! :lol:

  3. #3
    LosAngelis's Avatar
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    Re: Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    "BBQ Platypus" wrote:
    I've decided to start a thread to post random thoughts that make little or no sense. I will write various "creative" compositions, and your replies will consist of you trying to make sense of them. If I do my job right, the most common reply will be "WTF?"

    Stay tuned for your first look into my deeply troubled mind!
    Thanks for the warning.
    Have you ever seen a race of turtles, and they all go the wrong way instead of towards the finish line?

    Welcome to the NFC North.

  4. #4
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    Okay, here goes.

    My reign of unmitigated crap shall begin with a tale of epic scope (not in quality - in insanity).

    The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Billy Blob McPhaarkelmeister XXVII and a Halfth: The Army of a Thousand Llamas
    -- Part IV of the Epic Trilogy

    Once upon a television program, in the outskirts of Peoria, Illinois, an inebriated man stumbled into a 7-11. However, this event of little or no significance went completely unnoticed by the community of Peoria, because they were all too busy - um, uh, never mind. There is absolutely nothing to do in Peoria, and no one in town history has ever done anything worth mentioning. Which will not change upon the reading of this narrative.

    "I'd like to buy this carton of cigarettes, please," said the foul-smelling man.

    The zit-faced 17-year-old behind the counter continued to stare blankly at an interesting piece of dirt on the ground that he thought looked kinda like Jean Claude Van Damme's head. Or his career. He hadn't decided yet.

    "I'd like to buy this carton of cigarettes, please," he repeated, in a slightly louder tone (as though that would help).

    Nope, thought the cashier. It bore a more striking resemblance to Dan Quayle's gall bladder. Then again, it could have been Walter Mondale's kidneys.

    Finally, two hours later, the drunken buffoon decided that he'd had enough. Tired of being ignored, he drew his pistol.

    "HEY, MORON! RING UP THESE CIGARETTES OR I SHALL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE, um... DEAD!!! AND GRIND UP YOUR LIVER TO MAKE, UM...GROUND LIVER!!!" he screamed, too drunk to realize that his gun wasn't loaded (and was a water pistol).

    "What!? Oh, right! Here's the money! Take it all, man!" said the cashier, too dumb to know the difference (or what the man was actually asking for). He opened the cash register and gave the surprised drunkard all of the money it contained.

    He walked out of the store with $17.43 in change, which he spent on beer, and lived happily ever Tuesday.

    MORAL: Lather, rinse, repeat.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  5. #5
    SKOL's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    I think I'll sleep on that one...

    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good -Samuel Johnson - lexicographer
    The word genius isn t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein - Joe Theisman

  6. #6
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    Words of wisdom:

    If when life gives you lemons, you need to make lemonade, what are you supposed to do when life gives you jack ****?


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  7. #7
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    And now, the moment you haven't been waiting for (or caring about): The next chapter of my "epic" trilogy:

    The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Billy Blob McPhaarkelmeister XXVII and a Halfth: The Unfortunate Yak-Farming Accident
    -- Part 267.35968523 of the Epic Trilogy

    A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away from earning an NFL franchise, there lived a toothbrush salesman named Larry who, thanks to a sadistic marketing team, always wore a monkey suit and a bra to work. He earned 3 cents an hour, and instead of a house, he had a small cardboard box that he put on his head after he got off work because he couldn't afford a box big enough to fit a human being.

    As he was scrounging through the dumpster during his lunch break, he came upon a weird-ass looking bottle. As he removed the cough drop stuck to the side, making sure to scrape off the sweet, sticky residue, a genie suddenly appeared, which he promptly devoured.

    "That's the best meal I've had in a while," Larry muttered to himself (which he did quite often). "I knew I'd catch a break one of these days."

    He walked back to work, singing obscure showtunes as he went.

    Everything was looking up for Larry. His stomach was full, his mood was good, his boss was mad - er, wait, that last one is a bad thing.

    "YOU'RE LATE, LARRY!!!" screamed his boss. He then conked Larry on the head with a lead pipe, which incapacitated him. While he was unconcious, his co-workers raped him, dragged him out of town, and shipped him to a Bengali work camp, where he made even less money and they still made him wear the monkey suit. Worse, he had to wear the bra on his head.

    THE END


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  8. #8
    LosAngelis's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    Does anyone remember the urban legend of the guy in Chicago who used to hole up in the projects and jammer all night into a CB? It was eerie on some night when you may have been flipping through CB channels and a guy was just talking all night, not making any sense, and seemed to be ranting in a different language, although it wasn't. I only heard him once, as I was down south far enough with relatives to pick him up.

    I'm not sure why I brought this up.
    Have you ever seen a race of turtles, and they all go the wrong way instead of towards the finish line?

    Welcome to the NFC North.

  9. #9
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    "LosAngelis" wrote:
    Does anyone remember the urban legend of the guy in Chicago who used to hole up in the projects and jammer all night into a CB? It was eerie on some night when you may have been flipping through CB channels and a guy was just talking all night, not making any sense, and seemed to be ranting in a different language, although it wasn't. I only heard him once, as I was down south far enough with relatives to pick him up.

    I'm not sure why I brought this up.
    Well, I'm not sure why I started this topic, either, but that didn't stop me from doing it anyway.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  10. #10
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    Not drunk - just incurably insane!

    "LosAngelis" wrote:
    Does anyone remember the urban legend of the guy in Chicago who used to hole up in the projects and jammer all night into a CB? It was eerie on some night when you may have been flipping through CB channels and a guy was just talking all night, not making any sense, and seemed to be ranting in a different language, although it wasn't. I only heard him once, as I was down south far enough with relatives to pick him up.

    I'm not sure why I brought this up.
    Geez Los, stay on topic!!! :lol:

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