09-29-2006, 06:44 AM #1
My 15 hours with football, Fritos and the freaks
September 29, 2006
[size=13pt]My fifteen hours with football, Fritos and the freaks[/size]
A steady diet of NFL makes La-Z-Boys into La-Z-Men
Thanks to advances in technology and weekend torpor, it is now possible to watch NFL football, highlights and banter for upwards of 15 straight hours on Sundays. But can one avoid unpleasant side effects such as fatigue, hemorrhoids and divorce? One man selflessly volunteered to find out -- to endure a couch-bound day that will live if not in infamy, then certainly in fanny. That man, cloaked in the nobility of human courage and a thin layer of Cheetos dust, was me. You're welcome.
9:24 a.m. ET It's still almost four hours until kickoff, but I flip on the NFL Network to get up-to-date on the big stories of the day. Instead, former coach Jim Mora is offering a detailed analysis of the Pittsburgh Steelers and their coach's habit of celebrating big plays by kissing his players. "I never kissed a player," Mora declares firmly, but later opts for full disclosure: "I've hugged 'em. Patted 'em on the rear." And then, his hand cupped just so, Mora adopts a faraway gaze of intense reverie and longing.
10:03 Have you seen the ad for the umpteenth re-release of the Star Wars DVDs? It features a dad who's all psyched that his kids get to see the same movies he loved as a boy. Anyway, toward the end of the commercial, the little girl declares that she'd love to have a Wookie like Chewbacca as a pet. A pet! And no one even says: Yo, dorko, the Wookies are a proud and sentient race of hairy bipeds capable of tremendous courage and shedding! They are not pets! (That said, little girl: if you stock the fridge with malt liquor, Billy Dee Williams will come live at your house for free. Same principle.)
10:51 This is just a rough calculation done on paper but I reckon I'm 8.6 times as likely as the average Canadian to hear the word "groin" today.
12:11 Always the highlight of any football Sunday: listening to Terry Bradshaw, the Hall of Fame quarterback turned Fox TV analyst. With his every utterance, Bradshaw reminds us that few things make for better television than pinning a microphone to a man who spent his professional life absorbing repeated blows to the head.
12:46 Terry likens the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings to a bluetick coonhound in heat. As he speaks, you can actually feel America getting dumber. Now he's making childish faces at his colleagues. Wow -- maybe, just maybe, this will be the episode where we finally get a glimpse of the squirrel that lives inside his skull!
2:14 Delicious Fritos: the snack that puts the "eden" in "sedentary."
3:08 Used to be that a big defensive lineman would flex and prance about after making a really big play -- but in today's NFL you don't need to go to all the effort of being competent. Now you can celebrate after doing your job poorly. For instance, Buffalo just ran for a four-yard gain and, upon making the tackle, a Miami defender shook his thing -- or, possibly, his thang -- with the vigour you might expect from a Super Bowl champion and/or Solid Gold dancer. Go ahead, be like an NFL player: when you fire up the copier at work tomorrow morning, spike your latte in celebration while thrusting your pelvis suggestively. You deserve it.
6:39 It's been nine hours in front on the TV and I think my arse is finally starting to rebel. One cheek just handed the other a pamphlet promoting unionization.
6:55 Mmm . . . Swanson TV Dinner.
6:56 Eww . . . Swanson TV Dinner.
7:28 Just watched footage of a mohawked receiver commemorating a touchdown by doing the chicken dance. This is what makes the NFL great -- the ritual of excess. The league is all about end-zone celebrations inspired by Busby Berkeley and diva freak-outs inspired by Jennifer Lopez. It's about cheerleaders pulling on their short-shorts and slipping on their cleavage-showcasing tops that accentuate every curve, every perky nuance, and... where was I going with this again? Oh, right. It's about someone at NBC's Football Night in America saying, "Hey, I know, let's not call them highlights. Let's call them MEGA-highlights!" -- and not only someone saying that, but the producers agreeing: "Yeah, that'll make 'em seem more important and large than regular ol' highlights!!"
7:55 Are ad agencies even trying anymore? Here's the new slogan for a certain refreshing beverage: "This is Budweiser. This is Beer." So what you're saying is that Anheuser-Busch actually paid money for that? Hey Cadillac, here's one you can have as a freebie: This is Cadillac. This is a Car. That Building Over There is a House. That Thing You Want to Punch Our Ad Guys With -- That's Your Fist.
8:18 The final game of the night is just starting but already I feel my eyelids getting heavy. Could be fatigue -- or it could have something to do with me having put on nine pounds today.
9:22 On a day that will separate the La-Z-Boys from the La-Z-Men, I am now watching football standing up. I am so ashamed.
11:33 Dallas wins the nightcap, 27-10. After 849 minutes, and approximately the same number of Doritos, I turn off the TV. I am none the wiser and all the fatter. Also: less than 21 hours 'til Monday Night Football.
For Scott Feschuk's take on the news of the day, visit his new audioblog at www.macleans.ca/feschuk
"If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"
09-29-2006, 11:20 AM #2Jersey Retired
- Join Date
- Jan 1970
Re: My 15 hours with football, Fritos and the freaks12:46 Terry likens the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings to a bluetick coonhound in heat. As he speaks, you can actually feel America getting dumber. Now he's making childish faces at his colleagues. Wow -- maybe, just maybe, this will be the episode where we finally get a glimpse of the squirrel that lives inside his skull!
That is a great quoteWhat we've got here is failure to communicate.
09-29-2006, 11:25 AM #3
Re: My 15 hours with football, Fritos and the freaks
I would STILL rather hear Bradshaw than Ache-man and F***ing Joe *uck!!!BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE
09-29-2006, 11:31 AM #4
Re: My 15 hours with football, Fritos and the freaks
darn i missed that...i wish i couldeve herd exactly how brad is like a bluetick coonhound in heat....woo out
just two corn cobs shy of a bushel
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