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  1. #1
    simonsparre is offline Pro-Bowler
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    Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    gol 'darnit it is funny.

    http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3159&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1

    To: John Madden
    CC: Electronic Arts Sports
    From: Ethan Albright
    Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

    Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fricken kaka del toro and you should kiss my mother-fricken jiggly butt. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his jiggly butt on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

    You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fricken 12. I rate you a fricken 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery jiggly butt a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-slick willy. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly pooh and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F!!ck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as Challenged Hillbilly Lover'd. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your jiggly butt. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of pooh teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

    I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. F!!ck, man, there are some poohie guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

    I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

    Red Alert!
    John, you are such a fricken slick willy. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fricken zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fricken face. F!!ck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

    Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). F!!ck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

    I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my jiggly butt. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fricken lineman, gol 'darnit it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a Challenged Hillbilly Lover'd, uncoordinated, "meow"-jiggly butt fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

    When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
    F!!ck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you F!!ck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

    Rot in Hell,

    Ethan Albright

  2. #2
    Del Rio Guest

    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    LMAO, ok now that is some good material right there.

  3. #3
    Prophet Guest

    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    ;D, that is funny stuff.
    What's even funnier to me is that some posters use ratings from a video game for 'strengthening' their arguments.

  4. #4
    baumy300 is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    This is one of the funniest things I have seen on this forum, ever.

  5. #5
    Zeus's Avatar
    Zeus is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    "simonsparre" wrote:
    I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.
    Wait?

    Madden isn't gospel?

    =Z=

    Thanks to Josdin for the awesome sig!

  6. #6
    Mr. Purple's Avatar
    Mr. Purple is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    Lmao! That was funny.

    Theres NOTHING greater then a Florida Gator!
    "I promise everyone this. When Childress is let go in two years I can honestly say this.
    "I am not surprised"."-PurplePackerEater

  7. #7
    NodakPaul's Avatar
    NodakPaul is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    Probably the funniest thing I have read in years...
    Zeus wrote:
    When are you going to realize that picking out the 20 bad throws this year and ignoring the 300 good ones does not make your point?

    =Z=

  8. #8
    mr.woo's Avatar
    mr.woo is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    very few things that i read actually make me laugh out oud. this one did.
    woo out
    just two corn cobs shy of a bushel

  9. #9
    Benet's Avatar
    Benet is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    My personal favourite in this rant is:

    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly pooh and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F!!ck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as Challenged Hillbilly Lover'd. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your jiggly butt. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of pooh teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
    While this is hilarious, I have trouble believing Ethan Albright himself wrote it.

  10. #10
    Del Rio Guest

    Re: Mail from the worst player in Madden - to madden

    "Benet" wrote:
    My personal favourite in this rant is:

    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly pooh and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F!!ck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as Challenged Hillbilly Lover'd. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your jiggly butt. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of pooh teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
    While this is hilarious, I have trouble believing Ethan Albright himself wrote it.
    I agree completely

    THERE is no way in hell a guy with only a 59 awareness rating could come up with something this good.

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