Denver Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels, his body coursing with hormones due to the recent onset of puberty, addressed his team on Monday while seated â€“ fearful they would spot his mysterious erection if he stood up to talk.
â€œAs though I donâ€™t have enough on my plate with being the head coach of the Broncos and this Jay Cutler thing,â€ said McDaniels, his voice cracking. â€œNow puberty. My weiner is getting hard left and right for no reason at all. I donâ€™t understand whatâ€™s happening.â€
The fresh-faced coach says his early days in Denver have been both rewarding and challenging.
â€œGetting armpit hairs was pretty cool â€“ probably even cooler than being hired to be head coach,â€ he said. â€œBut the random boners and Mr. Cutler being mad at me stinks. I texted him the other day but he didnâ€™t text me back. Whatâ€™s up with that, dude? Does he really want me to talk to him instead of text him? What is he, like, 70?â€
McDaniels hoped to speak to his team at the first day of voluntary workouts while standing up in front of them â€“ just as he learned in his middle school speech class â€“ to try to show his authority. But he accidentally brushed against the doorframe on his way into the room â€“ resulting in an instant erection and forcing him to dive into the nearest seat, trapped there until the uninvited visitor went away.
â€œI thought it was weird that he talked to us while sitting all hunched over with his playbook sitting on his lap,â€ said safety Brian Dawkins. â€œBut I was cool with it. Why do you think I signed with the Broncos? I love that they have a kid coaching here. At this point in my career I donâ€™t want to be told what to do by anyone. If he even tries it, Iâ€™ll stuff him in a locker. Iâ€™m not going to be bossed around by no boner-popping Doogie Howser of the gridiron.â€
While McDaniels says his dad told him puberty is a difficult time that will eventually pass, the young coach is worried about more awkward situations.
â€œApparently our cheerleaders are coming in tomorrow for their first day of tryouts,â€ he said. â€œI better bring some extra underwear. And have to remember to wear deodorant, too. My secretary tells me Iâ€™m stinky. I guess Iâ€™m getting big-boy sweat glands.â€