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  1. #1
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    ....about time they work on toughening up the pansies.

    [size=12pt]Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns
    [/size]

    August 15, 2008 | Issue 44•33

    [img width=450 height=248]http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Johnson-And-R.article_large.jpg[/img]

    NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.

    A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."

    "We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."

    "It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."

    The result of five years of intensive research and market testing, the company's "Nothing But Tears" shampoo contains only the most abrasive of natural ingredients and is nearly impossible to rinse from a baby's screaming face. According to directions printed on the label, the bath-time product is best used with scalding hot water for optimal toughening-up of newborns...
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
    Marrdro's Avatar
    Marrdro is offline Beware My Spreadsheet, Bitches!
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    Thats what I'm talking about.
    ;D
    Many many thanks to my talented friend Jos for the new Sig.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v343/josdin00/Vikings/Marrdro_sig.jpg

  3. #3
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
    VKG4LFE is offline Jersey Retired Tetris Champion, Monkey GO Happy 4 Champion
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    haha, that's awesome!

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  4. #4
    COJOMAY is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    I know it's out of the "Onion" but they have hit the nail on the head!
    Kentucky Vikes Fan

    When you require nothing, you get nothing; when you expect nothing, you will find nothing; when you embrace nothing, all you will have is nothing.

  5. #5
    ThorSPL's Avatar
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    Lets toughen these kids up!


    Trust me, I'm a doctor.

    www.twitter.com/ThorSPL

  6. #6
    Purple Floyd's Avatar
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newbo

    I also hear that Isotoner is introducing a new line of bitch slap gloves for wives who have forgotten what male authority is all about.

  7. #7
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns

    Wash theire eyes out with onions

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