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  1. #1
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    Injury to “God’s Linebacker” Leaves Millions Questioning God’s Existence

    [size=12pt]Injury to “God’s Linebacker” Leaves Millions Questioning God’s Existence[/size]



    As God’s Linebacker, Ray Lewis, clutched in pain at his torn triceps muscle on Monday night, millions of believers felt pain in their soul at the same time as doubt and questioning overtook their faith. If God’s Linebacker is not perfect, then is God not perfect? And if God is not perfect, is there really a true God? And if there is no God then ... it ... it’s ... so cold ... so dark.

    Leon Matthews, a parishioner at Baltimore’s Four Square Gospel Church, says Lewis’ injury has suddenly left his life without meaning.
    “How can God’s official Linebacker have weak, tearable muscles?” said Matthews. “How can I expect God to protect me and my family if he can’t even keep one of the major muscles on His Linebacker’s body from ripping right in half? If this whole injury report isn’t proven to be a fraud, then I believe that God is a fraud, too. There I said it. If Ray Lewis is hurt, there is no God.”

    Rev. Mychal Jackson of Miami’s Free Church of Christ says he has had many of his faithful come to him since Monday night seeking answers and finding none.

    “This one woman came to me, she looked kind of like a prostitute – remember, Jesus also associated with prostitutes – anyway, she came to me and said that she feared she had been misled by Ray,” said Rev. Jackson. “He had told her at a club that he was God’s Linebacker and God wanted him to feel the inside of her to see if God was truly in her. Now she is thinking there is no God and that he just was trying to stick his penis in her and that was a pickup line. Was it? I don’t know. Ray’s injury has me filled with doubt, too.”

    Pope Benedict XVI spoke to Christians across the world on Tuesday morning in an emergency radio address.

    “Doubt is a common in one’s walk with God. And today, we are all filled with doubt,” said the Pope. “Answers are often only found in quiet reflection and prayer. This is how I beseech you to find answers in this matter. Ask God to hear you and answer. Ask him to help you in this dark time. Especially because I have the Ravens defense on my fantasy team and I’m playing Cardinal Francisco this weekend. That guy’s friggin’ team is stacked – Peyton Manning, Frank Gore, Randy Moss. I need all the points I can get.”

    Lewis says his torn triceps should only make people more confident in his divinity.

    “First off, torn triceps or not, I’ll still be out there dancing,” said God’s Linebacker. “Psalm 149 says: ‘Let them praise His Name with dancing,’ and I do that with each pelvic thrust and each shake of my jazz hands. Boom! Boom! Boom! I’m thrusting for you, Jesus. Feel that? Boom! I’m lifting my man area up to you. Boom!”

    In fact, the torn triceps makes Lewis feel even more assured that he is chosen by God.

    “Think about it – God had his Son crucified,” said Lewis. “He only had my triceps torn. Clearly He likes me better than even Jesus. Think on that a moment. Boom! Boom! Boom! Pelvic thrusts up to you, God! You deserve them. And one more ... Boom! And now a bit of hallelujah jazz hands. Amen.”
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
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    Re: Injury to “God’s Linebacker” Leaves Millions Questioning God’s Existence

    I wonder if pickles make Ray Lewis dance the way he does.

  3. #3
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    Re: Injury to “God’s Linebacker” Leaves Millions Questioning God’s Existence

    "BadlandsViking" wrote:
    I wonder if pickles make Ray Lewis dance the way he does.
    That makes sense.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

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