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  1. #11
    Lotza's Avatar
    Lotza is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    Q: When will you see a pole with a worm at both ends?
    A: When you go fishing with a lawyer.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?
    A: Skeet.

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    Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: How many can you afford?

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    Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
    A. To sue the chicken on the other side.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
    A. New Jersey got to choose.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
    A: The diphthong.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A: A Doberman pinscher.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
    A: About five pounds, including the urn.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
    A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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    Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start.

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    Q: Why are lawyers' brains so expensive?
    A: It takes so many to make an ounce.

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    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
    A: Your honor.

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    Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
    A. Accountants know they're boring.

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    Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
    A: An impossibility.

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    Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle?
    A: That bicycle might be yours!

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    Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

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    Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

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    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

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    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
    A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

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    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a wheelbarrow full of shit?
    A: The wheelbarrow.

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    Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
    A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

























    Go vikes!!

  2. #12
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    For Del Rio, whackthepack and all the rest of the "hunters":

    Rules for hunting lawyers
    United States attorney season and bag limits

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    1300.01 GENERAL

    1. Any person with a valid US Department of the Interior hunting license may harvest attorneys.

    2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

    3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

    4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

    5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

    6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

    7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, free tickets, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

    8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, whorehouses, ambulances, or hospitals.

    9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

    10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for fleas, rabies, and vermin.

    11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, hooker, stripper, female legal clerk, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

    BAG LIMITS

    1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
    2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
    3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
    4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
    5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
    6. Cut-throat 2
    7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
    8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
    9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #13
    Lotza's Avatar
    Lotza is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    haha!

























    Go vikes!!

  4. #14
    PurplePackerEater is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    Cajun, do you work for Dewy, Cheetum, and Howe?

    :grin:

  5. #15
    AngloVike's Avatar
    AngloVike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer joke

    A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

    "Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

    ================================================

    An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

    A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

    "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

    ================================================

    A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
    The witness: "Yes, sir."

    The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
    The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

    The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
    The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

    ================================================

    There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

    ================================================

    The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
    The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
    The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

    ================================================

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

    ================================================

    What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

    Jewellery.

    ================================================

    Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

    No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

    ================================================


    Seriously Cajun - congrats on the 11K... the only poster on this site whose post count matches his hourly wages at work :lol:
    Time spent annoying a Packer fan is never time wasted...


  6. #16
    Lotza's Avatar
    Lotza is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer joke

    "AngloVike" wrote:
    A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

    "Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

    ================================================

    An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

    A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

    "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

    ================================================

    A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
    The witness: "Yes, sir."

    The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
    The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

    The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
    The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

    ================================================

    There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

    ================================================

    The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
    The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
    The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

    ================================================

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

    ================================================

    What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

    Jewellery.

    ================================================

    Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

    No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

    ================================================


    Seriously Cajun - congrats on the 11K... the only poster on this site whose post count matches his hourly wages at work :lol:
    and it will only keep rising :shock:

























    Go vikes!!

  7. #17
    Schleppy is offline Starter
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer joke

    A lawyer offered his assistance to Pee Wee Herman when he was arrested for indecent exposure; Pee Wee's response was, " No thanks, I can GET OFF myself.

  8. #18
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    "Lotzapurple119" wrote:

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
    A: The diphthong.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did someone say "thong"??? :grin:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #19
    josdin00's Avatar
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    Lawyers do it with appeal.
    Lawyers do it confidentially.
    Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
    Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
    Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
    Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law. :shock:
    [hr]

    What is a criminal lawyer?
    Redundant.
    [hr]

    What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
    Your honor.

    What do you call a judge gone bad?
    Senator.
    [hr]

    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
    A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
    A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
    [hr]

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

    The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!"
    [hr]

    Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
    An ambulance stopped short.
    [hr]

    How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
    [hr]

    What's the difference between God and an attorney?
    God doesn't think he's an attorney.
    [hr]

    How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
    [hr]

    How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, lawyers only screw us.
    [hr]

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.
    [hr]

    What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
    [hr]

    Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
    2. Once launched, they can't be recalled.
    3. When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
    [hr]

    How many lawyer jokes can we make up for this thread?
    Just two, the rest are all true statements.
    [hr]

  10. #20
    sunny's Avatar
    sunny is offline Pro-Bowler
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    Re: In honor of Cajun's 11,111th post: Your best lawyer jokes!

    Whats the difference between a lawyer and a battery. A battery has a positive side.
    I.B.O.T. #213

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