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  1. #1
    PurplePeopleEaters's Avatar
    PurplePeopleEaters is offline Jersey Retired
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    Help with family dilemma

    Alright this is an extremely long story so bare with me. As a family, we are usually really good at solving problems like these but finally I have to turn to PP.O. It's nice to know that there's a community in a sense that I can still turn to.

    Alright..

    Well about 4 or 5 years ago when my brother was in high school as a Freshman, he became enamored with a girl who never really liked him back. Eventually he asked her out and they went out for a while. As they dated, progressively my mother and her mother became better friends. Finally his girlfriend decided he was too "odd" and dumped him. Back then my brother and my mom really got along. They were really close all the time and when my mom would volunteer at school, when most kids would ignore their mom, he would go up to her nice as could be and ask her how her day was going etc.

    My brother started to get depressed during this time because he got really obsessed over this girl. He actually started to hate her and they had kind of a running hatred going on between them. My mom pretty much broke off ties with her mom while all of this was going on.

    Flash forward to senior year for my brother, 4 years later. In the past 2 years he had gone out with a different girl who he really liked but that's not really important to the story.

    Senior year he starts to like this same girl again and they get back together. My mom and her mom become great friends again and all is going well. They continue dating for about half a year and my brother turns 18. Something happened on the day that he turned 18 that made him go completely insane. Suddenly, he turned on not only my mother, but my father. He became like this prodigal son.

    Alright continuing, my mother is really into the methodist curch. She's been a methodist since she was young and thought she would grow up having methodist children. It turns out that my brother's girlfriend was extremely controlling, something that we would never have known from her permanent laconic state. Suddenly, she starts making my brother go to her baptist church. Now, I know some of you are probably baptist on here but this particular baptist church is one that preaches intolerance and hate towards people of our own human kind and that is something that my family and I do NOT tolerate. As you can probably tell by now, my mother is becoming more annoyed with my brother by the minute. Now this past summer is where it got really bad.

    This entire summer it seems, my brother became more and more controlled and broke off more and more from our family. He would spend the night at her house (apparently not for sexual reasons because that is against the faith that they believe in) Tensions were flaring a LOT around my house.

    My mother continued to hate my brothers girlfriend and her mother more as the summer went on. Eventually it was time for my brother to move into college. The week prior to the move to UNC was extremely stressful for my mother: constant crying, sadness... she was in a state I had never seen her in.

    Finally my brother moves into UNC. The first weekend he was *supposed* to come back home and visit our family. Instead, he went back to his girlfriends house and spent the entire weekend there without even mentioning to us whether he was in town or not (his girlfriend is going to a different college living at home). When my mom found out she flipped and was a complete basket case. The entire burden was on my shoulders to calm her down because my dad was in egypt for a conference.

    I tried the best to calm her down but she was basically in tears the entire weekend. My father finally came home and decided to drive up to UNC to have a talk with my brother. the talk went well and my dad basically said that the lying had to stop. No more deception, no more skeaking to his girlfriends house without telling us (as if we really care that much whether he's there or not), and no more blatant lying to our faces (which happened pretty much every day the entire summer).

    So we come up with a solution. Bring the family back to the place where it all started; Minneapolis. We went up to Minnesota to see the Vikes game, a gophs game, and my brother and I went to a tool concert. This was to be a no fighting weekend. There was no fighting.. only the occasional dirty look while my brother was on the phone with his girlfriend. The weekend went well, the vikes won, (hey I was happy
    ;D) and my brother and mother got to go back to their old methodist church.

    We come back home and all is well. My brother goes back to UNC and says he will be spending the weekend there. To our surprise, we find that he has instead gone to the girlfriends house AGAIN when he instead said he would be at his dorm the entire weekend. He had taken a fricken oath on the bible that he would stop lying to us...
    :

    Well my mom flips out again.. you know the drill..


    This has still gone on to this day which is about 2 months

    My brother 4 years ago before she came into the scene was a long haired kid who listened to hard rock music, judged no one in the entire world, accepted everyone for who they were, and actually professed his christian faith. he wore band shirts to school and was a fairly popular guy.

    Nowadays, he wears pink collared shirts, bowties to church, has short hair, judges everyone he sees, and goes to a church that preaches hate towards the very people he used to accept. All of this has happened because of this one girl in his life who, quite frankly, is not very nice, extremely dumb, and not that good looking. (lol there I go judging people).


    The girlfriends mother has told my mother that she needs "christian counseling", something that my mother does NOT need whatsoever.

    Pretty much my mom is angry over the fact that her own son, who she raised and nurtured, could love another family more than ours and treat another woman as if she was his mother despite the fact that my mother is still trying to show him love. He's become a completely different person with the opposite value system of what he was raised on.

    What the hell do we do in this situation? My brother and I get along pretty well but if he marries that girl, I seriously think my mom is going to go insane. She doesn't think he'll visit her, wont call her, and will forget about our family completely.

    What I see is a mother who loves her son so much that she can't bear to see him lose all the opportunities going for him. He's a smart kid, goes to a good school, has a great future in front of him, but this girl is going to hold him back from his whole life if he ever wants to amount to anything. She has the balls in the relationship and if she wants something she gets it. What happens if they have to move somewhere for a new job opportunity? Is she going to make an aspiring lawyer stay in NORTH CAROLINA???
    :


    I'm kind of the middle man in this but this extremely centered family needs help in a time of crisis. I know this is nothing compared to the kind of adversity some of you guys have to go through...

  2. #2
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    Man, that's a TOUGH one...on one hand, your brother has the right to live his life the way he wants to...BUT on the other hand, you guys see him going down a road that leads to nowhere.
    What to do...I would personally try to get my brother to see the light...but if he didn't, I would likely just let him dig himself his own hole. I don't say that to be mean, but the rest of your family shouldh't revolve around his selfishness.
    Your mom is gonna have to work it out on her own...dig deep down for some self-esteem and self-respect and realize that her oldest son just doesn't realize what he truly has in his own family.

    Good luck to you all...and I do hope that your brother gets his head on straight.
    The WORST part is he's not even getting any PLAY out of this!!!

    On another note, it is PERFECTLY OK to judge your brother's girlfriend if she truly IS ugly...it's PP.O MAN LAW!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #3
    tb04512's Avatar
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    Thats messed up kinda reminds me of my family \... whathasto happen is your mom cant wait around for him, she needs to almost forget about him, that will get to him most, once your parents act like they dont care about you aat first you think i could care less buttt after a few weeks/ months it gets to you that you own flesh and blood doesnt care enough to call you and you miss them... also you bro is in college he doesnt have to talk to ur mom if he doesnt want t (not saying that its right) but he has that freedom,
    Eventually your brother will see the light, there is only so many things someone can do for another until the one recieving(in this case his gf) until she gets mad about him not doing a little thing and he will start to second guess her.... what your mom should do is call him and tell him son, i love you this whole family loves you and it breaks my heart to see you push yourself away from me and the rest of the family, but if you dont feel the need to want to see, or speak to us then thats you choice and we will wait around for your call as this will be the last call you are getting from me,
    because i cant take sitting here waiting to talk to you.. and your brother might not call for a little bit but he will..... otherwise tell ur mom to pull college funds if shes helping.!!! GL MAN i hope evereything works out better in than what im going through, i know its hard being in the middle but just try not to think about it !!!!!

    Thanks josdin00

  4. #4
    PurplePeopleEaters's Avatar
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    lol caj. You pretty much hit the nail on the head though.. My advice to my mom was forget about him completely and everything would play out on its own. Things just work out that way sometimes. She just can't keep herself out of it because my brother used to be so attached to her... The biggest problem is that my brother gets SO defensive if you try to talk to him about anything. Thanks for the advice tb and caj.

  5. #5
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    It wouldn't surprise me if he marries the girl just to get back at your parents.
    Been there, done, have, the t-shirt .
    Hope all works out.

  6. #6
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    reminds me of my family too w/ my older brother. DRAMA! he was a good person till he got involved w/ this one chick and it was all down hill from there. ran away a rew times and yea things were not good between him and my mother. now he's in the army and met a chick and they only knew eachother for a little while and now shes pregnant. and hes going to iraq in 9 days.
    i dont know what i would do in your situation, but i know how you feel. it sucks. i guess i would kinda just forget about it for awhile, cuz if he hasnt listened to you, i dont think anything will change. if he talks to you, dont bug him to change. just tell him you love him. eventually he will get things straight, and if he doesnt, it's his fault. the most important thing is to be there for your mom. dont do anything stupid like your brother has. i have been through this and it's tough but it will get better. hang in there! just stay happy and dont get depressed yourself. that happend to me and it makes everything seem alot worse.
    "God has blessed me tremendously. I'd be a fool to complain."
    "From what I understand, the coaches will put the best 11 on the field."
    -Tyrell Johnson

  7. #7
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    It is amazing.....whether on a forum such as this, in school, in the workplace, etc...
    If you want to divide any group, start discussing politics or religion!

    My thought is, Mom needs to back off and not try to control HIS beliefs.
    It sounds like if they could agree to disagree, they would be better off.
    I dont think it is that uncommon for children (especially young men) to cut ties to their parents for a few years when they first get out on their own.
    That doesnt mean completely....but certainly more than the parents would like....
    but, I also think that TIME cures many things....and he will find himself at a point within a few years where he realizes how important his family is!
    Unless there is failing health robbing TIME away....just give him some space...
    many years of rearing are deep seaded and will surface again.
    I'd much rather see the Packers miss the playoffs because of their talent then because of their injuries.

  8. #8
    PurplePeopleEaters's Avatar
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    "Vikefanman2000" wrote:
    It is amazing.....whether on a forum such as this, in school, in the workplace, etc...
    If you want to divide any group, start discussing politics or religion!

    My thought is, Mom needs to back off and not try to control HIS beliefs.
    It sounds like if they could agree to disagree, they would be better off.
    I dont think it is that uncommon for children (especially young men) to cut ties to their parents for a few years when they first get out on their own.
    That doesnt mean completely....but certainly more than the parents would like....
    but, I also think that TIME cures many things....and he will find himself at a point within a few years where he realizes how important his family is!
    Unless there is failing health robbing TIME away....just give him some space...
    many years of rearing are deep seaded and will surface again.
    I'm not quite sure if he believes them himself or just believes them because his girlfriends family does. One of their family things is that if you aren't baptist, you aren't going to be part of the family.. I would feel more comfortable if he was going to a church on his own at his university rather than coming home every weekend to go to her church that preaches intolerance.


    My mom's taking the approach of staying out of it as of now. He's home right now which is a good thing. I think they fight so much like this because they're so alike personality wise though.

    I don't really think that my mom would care at all if he was deciding to do this all on his own. She just feels like his girlfriend is making him into something that she wants rather than letting him be something that he wants to be. As I said before, she wears the pants in the relationship and every time he tries to make plans by himself she ends up changing them while he's off to the side like a whipped dog.

  9. #9
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    Sounds to me like two things are going on. One thing I pick up on is there might be some hurt feelings because there is another woman in her son’s life that he confides in, other than her. She feels hurt.

    He's grown up, has left the nest & on his own & she might feel like she's losing her baby boy. It happens to pretty much every mother on the planet.

    I'm sure your brother knows that it hurts your mom’s feelings when he chooses his girlfriend over her. Now I don't know your brother, but isn't it entirely possible that your brother lies to her to spare her those feelings? Would you mom feel any less hurt if he said, "I'm not coming home this weekend, I'm spending it with my girlfriend?

    I think a big part of the hurt feelings has no bearing on religion, but the fact that she's feels she is losing the son to the love of another woman who he is sharing his love with another woman. Your mom will have to realize & accept that fact & let him go. Her son is growing up. She would still have many of the same feelings even if his girlfriend & family were devout Methodists. The religion seems to be an easy place to pin the blame on, simply because it differs from hers.

    If it is about the religion, everyone needs to accept the fact that a person should be able to choose their own religion & should not force theirs upon them. Is your brother following & accepting that religion only because his girl friend is Baptist or is he changing his faith because that's what he believes in? Only your brother can answer that. Either way, it his choice to make, whether he or anyone else thinks it's right or wrong. He will find out in time & it's one of life’s lessons to learn. A lot of them aren't easy & most come with someone being hurt.

    People need to love, respect & accept people for who they are & not what religious beliefs they choose. I'm Catholic & not Methodist, does that make you feel any different about me? How about if I were Agnostic or Atheist?

    Also, it's your brother that is making these decisions, nobody is forcing him & they are his to make. He may be making some decisions in return for the love of a woman or to keep her at his side. It certainly isn't the first time that's happened (yes dear), but nonetheless, he is the one making them.

    People can't change people. People can only change themselves.

    Religion isn't usually allowed to be discussed here on these forums & those threads are usual headed to lockdown, so let’s not get into discussing which religions people think are right or wrong. Let’s just keep them all on the same plane & focus our discussion on the matter at hand, namely, your brother, his girlfriend & your mother.

    I don't think you'll get any answers here of how your mom can steer your brother back to Methodist or back to her arms instead of his girlfriends if that's what you're hoping for, but rather what they all can do to just accept each other for who they are, what they believe in & which decisions & paths they choose in life.

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  10. #10
    RK.'s Avatar
    RK.
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    Re: Help with family dilemma

    Nowadays, he wears pink collared shirts, bowties to church
    Thats messed up.
    ;D
    Maybe he just needs to meet a really pretty girl who is less demanding and a lot more fun to be around.


    WWBGD

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