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  1. #1
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions
    May 16, 2007 | Issue 43•20
    [size=1pt]Disclaimer: If you are so fucking stupid that you believe this article, even for a second, even though it is linked to its source, do not waste your time whining to me.
    I will only laugh at your stupidity and mock you.[/size]

    KANSAS CITY, MO—Scientists at Hallmark Cards' Center for the Research and Development of Sentiments announced Monday that they had discovered three previously unknown emotions that can be experienced by human beings and captured on a folded piece of card stock.


    Exploring The Human Psyche
    Dr. Susan McMurrough has spent years analyzing the deep, unexamined feelings of thousands of test subjects in order to discover new, marketable emotions.

    "These new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill a void that has too long persisted in the consumable pleasantries market," said Hallmark president and CEO Don Hall, Jr., speaking to reporters in front of a watercolor backdrop of tulips beside a pond. "They will add a whole new level of complexity and nuance to the way we humans relate to one another, and will fill in any gaps left by our 'Thinking of You' and 'Just Because' categories."

    The first emotion the project successfully isolated was "requiapathy," the combination of relief and guilt that comes with the sudden realization that you no longer miss a dead loved one. That discovery quickly led to the uncovering of "seprudity," the feeling of appreciating a coworker's dedication without fully understanding his or her job function, and "trepatiousness," a synthesis of rage and jealousy, though more muted and often accompanied by a sensation of weight-lessness.

    "[Trepatiousness] appears to be a very rare emotion, almost exclusively experienced while in a dream state," said principal investigator Dr. Susan McMurrough, a leader in the field of keepsake science best known for her work on the revolutionary "Blank Inside" line of cards. "The only way to activate it during waking hours, in fact, is with a combination of reds, oranges, and drowsy beagles in top hats."

    The three emotions represent the latest discovery in the center's ongoing Emotions Mapping Project, a $42.4 million effort to identify and codify all of the mental and physiological states generated within the human psyche that are not currently covered by Hallmark's extensive line of greeting cards and collectible ornaments.


    A prototype of one of the new cards, which will be available at Hallmark stores in time for Father's Day.

    In 2002, McMurrough monitored the MRI activity of nearly 10,000 test subjects between the ages of 25 and 40 as they described all emotions they had experienced in the past six months and rated each for its intensity, duration, and whether it would be conveyable to others by mail. To identify targets of further study, McMurrough's team referenced that data against a matrix of all possible combinations of the neurotransmitters that catalyze human emotion.

    "Until now, millions of people worldwide were forced to express their sincere and heartfelt requiapathy, seprudity, and trepatiousness with clumsy words and gestures," Hall said. "Our colorful and succinct messages will spare them countless hours of inconvenience and potential misunderstandings."

    After a second group of Hallmark scientists successfully replicated the initial study's results, the sentiments were immediately submitted to the U.S. Patent Office and rushed to Hallmark headquarters, where writers, illustrators, and graphic designers interpreted the new emotions in warm, concise verse; inoffensive, ingratiating humor; and reassuring pastel watercolors.

    "This research is not only groundbreaking—it's inspirational," said Mallory Jefson, a writer for Hallmark's Best Wishes department, who added that the emotions have led them to creative heights not reached since Secretaries Day became Administrative Professionals Day in 2000. In a single day of brainstorming, Jefson and her colleagues developed 15 seprudity-based card concepts that incorporated cats in sunglasses, and 22 new coffee mugs featuring the tart-tongued, post-menopausal character Maxine expressing requiapathy.

    The Hallmark laboratories have been at the forefront of the greeting card sciences since the '40s. Their work has led to the creation of eight federally recognized holidays, the specification of a time frame in which someone ought to get well, and over a dozen flower and cursive-font combinations that, sales figures show, have effectively conveyed the complex emotional and psychological states of an estimated 185 million Americans.

    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
    tb04512's Avatar
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    whoaaa thats sweeet
    ;D

    nice disclaimer prophet

    Thanks josdin00

  3. #3
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    "tb04512" wrote:
    ...nice disclaimer prophet
    Yeah, I like it too.
    I have usually included a disclaimer, but forgot too in the last article where someone was crying so hard they forgot to pull the panties back out of thier crotch.
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  4. #4
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    hmmmmm......
    I don't see the disclaimer but that could just be because my panties are so tight it is blurring my vision.

  5. #5
    cogitans is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    "jmcdon00" wrote:
    hmmmmm......
    I don't see the disclaimer but that could just be because my panties are so tight it is blurring my vision.
    You should look 'closer' then

    Thanks to PPE for the sig.

  6. #6
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    why is it that onion stories always make me cry?

  7. #7
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    conveyable to others by mail
    Clearly the standout statement in this article. imo.


    Personally, I don't think there is intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

  8. #8
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    Will they ever make a card that says I'm sorry you rubbed your eyes with onions"?

  9. #9
    sleepagent is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    Hallmark is just trying to save their ass because the internet is becoming a large source of communications.

    What better way to get their name in the news than to create a bunch of nothing.
    I guess they ran out of bogus holiday's to create!!!!
    ;D

    "No Greater Friend . . . No Worse Enemy. U.S. MARINES"
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    "SUCCESS LOOKS EASY TO THOSE THAT WEREN'T THERE WHEN IT WAS BEING ACHIEVED!"

  10. #10
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    Re: Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

    The first emotion the project successfully isolated was "Requiapathy," the combination of relief and guilt that comes with the sudden realization that you no longer miss a dead loved one.
    "Requiapathy" card;

    I’m so glad you You know longer miss your dead husband & don’t feel guilty about it…


    "seprudity," the feeling of appreciating a coworker's dedication without fully understanding his or her job function,
    "Seprudity" card;

    Thanks for doing whatever the fuck it is you do……..

    By the way, you took my parking spot you stupid, inconsiderate asshole.


    "Trepatiousness," a synthesis of rage and jealousy, though more muted and often accompanied by a sensation of weight-lessness. "Trepatiousness appears to be a very rare emotion, almost exclusively experienced while in a dream state."
    "Trepatiousness” card;

    There is no need to send a card with this emotion. You simply tell the person;

    You whore! You want me to send your cheating, two-timing ass a birthday card? ……In your dreams!

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

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