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  1. #1
    Prophet's Avatar
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    G. Carlin's life story

    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
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    Re: G. Carlin's life story

    There's so much drama with the ol' GC...it's kinda hard bein' George, you know, Mr. C...but every single day, he makes jokes, no longer smokes, and you know that he comes to play...

    G Dogg is THE MAN!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #3
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
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    Re: G. Carlin's life story

    Wow, that's pretty good. How the heck does he remember all of that and keep in straight and not mess up!

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  4. #4
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    Re: G. Carlin's life story

    "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

  5. #5
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Re: G. Carlin's life story

    Received an e-mail this morning with some more of his gems:

    NEW RULES FOR 2007:

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
    rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
    for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
    <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people
    for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I
    already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days
    --- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
    was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
    What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
    for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your
    idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
    flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
    his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
    solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
    cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
    NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
    And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
    anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
    You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
    Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
    too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
    they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy
    old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
    remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
    is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
    had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
    there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
    webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
    '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
    didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
    tattoo every available piece of flesh.
    If so, then plan your future
    around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

    (Source: George Carlin (of course))
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  6. #6
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Sep 2004
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    Re: G. Carlin's life story

    "Prophet" wrote:
    Received an e-mail this morning with some more of his gems:

    NEW RULES FOR 2007:

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
    rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
    for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com
    <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people
    for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I
    already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days
    --- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
    was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
    What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
    for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your
    idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
    taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
    flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
    is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
    his jiggly butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
    solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    donkey butt. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
    cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
    NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge donkey butt.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
    deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the
    kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
    doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your jiggly butt.
    And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
    anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
    You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
    Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
    too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
    they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
    M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy
    old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
    remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
    remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
    is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
    had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
    there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
    webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
    '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
    didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
    tattoo every available piece of flesh.
    If so, then plan your future
    around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

    (Source: George Carlin (of course))
    ROTF!!!

    Except:

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
    for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

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