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  1. #1
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure After Taking Night Course In Russian Literature
    May 3, 2007 | Onion Sports

    BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN favorite Chris Berman, known throughout sports fandom for his enthusiastic narration of highlights and his practice of giving colorful nicknames to athletes, has come under scrutiny since enrolling in a Russian Literature course at a local community college led to his commentary becoming increasingly hard to understand, ESPN sources report.



    "Tonight we've got a veritable Cherry Orchard of highlights to pick from as we Chekhov our top plays," Berman said during Tuesday night's broadcast of SportsCenter in a display of tortured literary puns and obscure references the likes of which viewers have come to dread. "We'll check in on the fading fortunes of Uncle I-Vanya Rodriguez, the tragic circumstances that brought pitcher Dennis Dove-stoyevsky into the big leagues, and find out if the tempestuous relationship between Kurt and Kyle Busch make them the new Brothers NASCAR-amazov, so stay tuned."

    ESPN management confirmed that viewers have taken to flooding their offices with thousands of confused phone calls immediately after every broadcast.

    "Listen, I have no more idea than you do why Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is suddenly deluded professor George Steinerebriakoff, or why Chris is convinced that Steinbrenner is slowly and sadly wasting the lives of everyone around him by dragging them into his miasma of self-pity, or why he seems to think Steinbrenner has gout," VP of programming Scott Guglielmino told reporters yesterday. "I mean, three weeks ago it was still Foghat references and growling out the 'R' on 'the Raiders,' and now this."

    "Honestly, I'm not sure he even knows what he's talking about," Guglielmino added.

    Since enrolling in the class, Bristol Community College's Russian Lit 1, which emphasizes the major works of Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, and Chekhov, Berman has also baffled viewers by nicknaming the flamboyant owner of the Oakland Raiders 'Rask-Al-nikov Davis' during a segment titled "Crime and Punishment," in which Berman discussed the NFL's new conduct policy. He also praised an Alex Rodriguez home run by saying it "traveled as far as the railroad featured so prominently in Anna Karenina," and referred to LeBron James as "LeVronsky" in an apparent nod to the heroine's lover.

    Response from viewers has been overwhelmingly negative, especially as Berman's further reading has led him to advance from mere wordplay-based player nicknames to broader, wordplay-based thematic comparisons.

    "Excuse me, but what does it mean if Tony Stewart is inspired to near-operatic heights of vernacular in his questioning of the corrupt caution-flag procedure when his car develops bad Pushkin in the corners?" a complaint from longtime SportsCenter viewer Brian Walters read in part. "And why are Miami Dolphins fans like the parents praying over the grave of their atheist son over their team drafting Ted Ginn? Can't he just say Stewart is angry and Fins fans are sad? I don't get it."

    "The only thing Berman said last night that made any sense to me was that bit about 'if there's a gun in the story, it has to go off,' when he talked about the Dolphins cutting Marcus Vick," viewer Kathy West wrote. "It means he was arrested again, right?"

    "Chris is definitely one of our more, let's say, involved students," said associate professor Bradley Stewart, Berman's teacher in the two-hour twice-weekly class. "I'm not sure how much he's really absorbing, but he certainly laughs the loudest and asks the most questions in class. Although I'm not sure why he wanted to know if it was appropriate to say "Bakunin- Bakunin- Bakunin- Bakunin- Bakunin!" in a celebratory manner when someone hit a home run. I told him it wasn't really a good idea."

    Berman himself has refused to discuss either his recent departure from his longtime style or whether he would be returning to his old form anytime soon, saying only that he was weighing his options, listening to all feedback, and concentrating on reading the syllabus for an upcoming night course in the Imagist poetry of Ezra Pound, Ford Madox Ford, William Carlos Williams, and Richard Aldington.
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    I hate Berman and his nicknames.
    The guy is so damn annoying.

  3. #3
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    I used to love Berman in the early years of ESPN..... But as the network grew, so did Bermans dome!
    Even his bobble head topples over from too much head weight.
    The guy is an ego maniac.
    His shtick is old and tired.
    I'd much rather see the Packers miss the playoffs because of their talent then because of their injuries.

  4. #4
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    "Vikefanman2000" wrote:
    I used to love Berman in the early years of ESPN..... But as the network grew, so did Bermans dome!
    Even his bobble head topples over from too much head weight.
    The guy is an ego maniac.
    His shtick is old and tired.
    He's STILL better than Kornholer!!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  5. #5
    michaelmazid is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "Vikefanman2000" wrote:
    I used to love Berman in the early years of ESPN..... But as the network grew, so did Bermans dome!
    Even his bobble head topples over from too much head weight.
    The guy is an ego maniac.
    His shtick is old and tired.
    He's STILL better than Kornholer!!!!
    no one on this planet is more annoying that stuart scott. I HATE HIM!!

  6. #6
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    i still like berman.. i love the whoooppp sound

    Thanks josdin00

  7. #7
    Billy Boy is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    I am not even the biggest Sportscenter guy, but I have always liked the Swami and I always will.
    To me he is like his Madden.
    He will stay stupid stuff but I still enjoy his presentation and voice. Sounds like he is stretching his act now, but I am sure he will realize that he is the only person that finds that funny or even understands it and knock it off.


    If its not Berman talking on the television then it will be some other jackass thats much worse.


    All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.

  8. #8
    baumy300 is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    Berman and Stuart Scott ARE ESPN!

  9. #9
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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    Berman is the man, I think the main reason why some people hate him is the fact that he is so popular (even if this unknowingly the reason). Whenever someone/something becomes mega-popular, there is always some crowd that has to go against it.

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    Re: Chris Berman's Nicknames Becoming More Obscure

    I guess my perception is.... in the early years you could tell he had a blast doing his job.
    He would clown around on the set....come up with outrageous nicknames, etc etc....
    In the past 5 years or so....
    he just looks like he takes himself too seriously.
    Kind of like the Bryant Gumble syndrome.


    I dont turn the channel when he comes on (like I do for Joe "BF" Buck)....But I certainly dont enjoy what Berman brings to the table nowdays nearly as much as in years past.

    I'd much rather see the Packers miss the playoffs because of their talent then because of their injuries.

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