California Department of Motor Vehicles: Celebrity Driving Test

1. A group of shouting pedestrians crosses in front of your vehicle, carrying what appear to be cameras and tape recorders. You should:

Stop. Pedestrians have the right of way.
Stop. Hide face behind sun visor.
Stop. Remove baby from lap, place in properly secured child seat.
Speed up: "Paparazzi" is Italian for "roadkill."
2. In an automobile with a manual transmission, the "clutch" is the:

Pedal on the right
Pedal on the left
Prada bag in left hand
Bold play for sex
3. Before leaving a hot club, a safe driver must consider whether he/she is intoxicated. Based on the full range of female body weights in "the industry," match the alcoholic beverages consumed per hour [left] with the weight [right] that would cause legal intoxication, public flashing, unfortunate hairstyles, or hospitalization for "exhaustion."

Drinks per Hour
Body Weight

86 pounds

88 pounds

93 pounds

95 pounds

97 pounds

4. A police officer signals you to pull over. Upon reaching the shoulder, you should:

Call publicist
Remove registration from glove compartment
Remove drugs from glove compartment, stash in underwear
5. To drive safely in heavy fog in the canyons, you should use:

Fog lights only
High beams
Low beams
video iPod
6. Four vehicles arrive simultaneously at red-carpeted intersection, as Officer Seacrest directs traffic. Which has the right of way to hog the camera?

Black limousine
Toyota Prius
Ferrari Enzo
Kia DiCaprio
7. Your vehicle is stopped on suspicion of drunken driving. A police officer requests a breathalyzer exam. Hoping to salvage career and reputation, you:

Remind police of large personal contributions to their salaries.
Describe noteworthy physical attributes of female officers.
Reveal existence of massive Jewish conspiracy.
Flash famous grin
All of the above
8. For each vehicle operator [left], match correct number of license suspensions [right] that will result in meaningful jail time:

# of Suspensions

Platinum blond heiress

Brunette check-out girl

Gangsta rapper

All-American Quarterback


9. Britney couldn't find her car's ignition with a flashlight and a search party. T/F

10. It is illegal to operate or be seen in a motor vehicle worth less than $100,000. T/F

Fill-in Section:

11. Based on DMV statistics, the average speed at which a Lamborghini will strike a lamppost is _____.

12. On average, an owner will travel _____ miles from the dealership before his new Lamborghini strikes a lamppost.

13. ____, the distance a Lamborghini owner will cover on foot, prior to apprehension for lamppost violations.

Special Section (to be completed by professional athletes ONLY):

14. In a motor vehicle with belted positions for five occupants, the correct number of handguns is ____.

15. Traveling west on Wilshire Blvd. at 35 mph, you signal for a right turn on La Cienega. Slowing for an ambulance, you proceed east on Sunset Boulevard. Checking all mirrors, you merge onto the Hollywood Freeway, exit and proceed north on Coldwater Canyon before executing a perfect parallel-park. Along the route described, there are precisely ____ strip clubs.

16. Essay Question: Why are hockey players such lousy drivers? Would they be better off driving on ice?

Extra Credit:

17. Correctly identify the worst celebrity driver in U.S. history:

James Brown
Lindsay Lohan
Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy
Billy Joel
Juan Pablo Montoya