Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    digital420's Avatar
    digital420 is offline Team Alumni
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Ancient Korinthia
    Posts
    2,539

    The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    we were talkin bout this in the Beserker yell.. i searched and didin't find it. if you don't laugh.. yer allready dead..



    The Chili Cook-off

    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge #3--(me). Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway - took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
    Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting slammed from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound thing is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing later. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poo to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

    Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?




    DiGiTaL

    "We tried to stick with it, but there was a point where we were beating our head against a wall," Seattle Coach Mora talking about running at the Williams Wall

  2. #2
    Prophet's Avatar
    Prophet is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    17,388

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    Good stuff.
    The worse thing about having children is you have to cut back on the hot foods and ween them into them.
    The other option is to make your own food.
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  3. #3
    digital420's Avatar
    digital420 is offline Team Alumni
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Ancient Korinthia
    Posts
    2,539

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    i was living in Telluride Co for a few years.. and my breakfast was.

    1. baked potatoe
    2. habenaro / or scotch bonnet chilli pepper
    3. lots o cheese
    4. hormel chilli


    mix it all into the baked potato shell, heat, eat.. by the time the warmth of the pepper is making yer body sweat.. your on the chair lift.. everyone else is shaking with chills at 8 am.. and yer sweating!!
    course.. the exaust that your body creates is as dangerous to you as it is to those breathing around you.... ohh yeah.. and it BURNS!!!


    DiGiTaL

    "We tried to stick with it, but there was a point where we were beating our head against a wall," Seattle Coach Mora talking about running at the Williams Wall

  4. #4
    marcosMN is offline Star Spokesman
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Mpls, MN
    Posts
    2,097

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    That was a fantastic story. I loved how descriptive the parts about your bowl movements were.
    :-X

    I have to say I lauged my ass off the entire time I read it.
    -Sno

  5. #5
    digital420's Avatar
    digital420 is offline Team Alumni
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Ancient Korinthia
    Posts
    2,539

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    i can't take credit for this.. i did find it on the net.. but someone has got one of the funniest minds..

    i did do this to a few canadians i play hockey with here.. they were telling me it's not so bad.. as they were sweating.. one of their gf's called me 3 days later and said her bf couldn't sit down cause he burned his ahole!!

    i laughed so hard when we all got to practice the next saturday.. none of them wanted to talk about it.. and they all went red when i asked how much they hurt when it came out.

    DiGiTaL

    "We tried to stick with it, but there was a point where we were beating our head against a wall," Seattle Coach Mora talking about running at the Williams Wall

  6. #6
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    26,564

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.[b] That 300 pound thing is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?[b/]
    LMAO!!

  7. #7
    Billy Boy is offline Hall of Famer
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    1,426

    Re: The canadian and the The Chili Cook-off

    Shouldn't have read that in class, hard to hold back the laughter.
    Funny story.

    Story made me kinda hungry for some hot wings.


    All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.

Similar Threads

  1. Welcome Hot!Chili
    By Webby in forum Free Beer!
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 09-16-2009, 09:10 AM
  2. Battery powered chili?
    By pattyosviKING in forum Two Beer Minimum
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 03-04-2008, 11:32 PM
  3. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 07-23-2007, 12:43 PM
  4. Chili Contest....Judge's notes
    By CynicalVike in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 12-03-2005, 03:51 AM
  5. Anyone have a kick A$$ Chili Recipe?
    By NordicNed in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-16-2005, 08:13 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •