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  1. #751
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    Quote Originally Posted by gregair13 View Post
    If someone had a dream about you, would you want to know about it? How much details would you like?
    Depends on what it was about. If it's about them killing me (which has happened before), I'd want to know every detail about how they did it so I know how to defend myself when the time comes. If it's about me killing them, I want to know so I can smother their head with a pillow in their sleep, but first whispering "this is a dream" into their ears so they subconsciously hear it and realize they're dreaming. This won't really serve any purpose except that in their last moments they'll think I have Freddy Krueger powers.

    Anything else is between them and the Dream Fairy.
    Last edited by BBQ Platypus; 11-27-2011 at 02:28 PM.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #752
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    Hey there, folks. Sorry BBQ Platypus hasn't been here for a while. He's been busy. So he's decided to farm out this thread update to me, beloved ESPN columnist Gregg Easterbrook. He chose quite well, since, as I take great care to let you know every week, I am ESPN's leading intellectual!

    Zzzzzzzz: As is my wont, I have decided to lead with something utterly irrelevant, unsurprising, and uninteresting. Sports are popular right now. Maya Angelou once said that "Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him." Words that are surely as true now as they were when they were written, two years ago. And words that apply just as much to me as they do to Michael Jackson, the man about whom they were actually written.

    Sweet 'n' Sour Play of the Second Week of the Chinese New Year: Before I talk about anything remotely relevant to anybody anywhere, I'd just like to say that I think Scott Bakula is an underrated actor. Much like how going for it on fourth down is an underrated tactic. I wish more people would talk about that.


    Pictured above: The second-sexiest man alive, and the man who will play me in the inevitable Gregg Easterbrook biopic. He wears glasses. I wear glasses. It is meant to be. The film shall sweep the Academy Awards and will NOT be directed by Christopher Nolan, that hack.

    And now for my opinion on the economic downfall, as well as our current president, Barack Hussein "Big Blitz" Obama.

    As the great professor Jebediah Zeberman wrote in his famed academic paper that you have never read or heard of but that I, Gregg Easterbrook, have, the economy has historically been closely tied with the presence of zucchini in your Uncle Zeb's jambalaya recipe. So as we build this bridge to the 22nd century, let us consider the amount of raw sewage that has been dumped into the river that we must cross.

    Wait, what's that? Football? Why on Earth would you want to hear me talk about that? Well, okay, if you insist.

    Say, you know what I think? I think that teams punt too often in short yardage situations. They should do it less often. Last week the America City Bumblefucks punted on 4th and a little bit with between two and four minutes left. The Bumblefucks, who I don't need need to tell you that I don't need to tell you that they didn't touch the ball again (but I will, because that's the exact wording I always use on those blissfully rare occasions that I mention this delightful theory of mine, which I invented with my brain), lost when the Manly City Victors were able to run out the clock. Had they not punted, they might have gotten the first down, which means that they might not have lost. Take a look at these numbers!



    God, remember how interesting it was the first time you heard me say that? I'll bet it's even more interesting now!

    Surprising Statistic!:

    Q: Hello, Theory of Creep. Care for a quote from a high school coach whose team never punts?
    A: I agree, but Flying Elvii Jersey/B Big Blitz Big Blitz Big Blitz.
    Q2: Who do you see winning the AFC Championship?
    A2: This book was instigated by the Harvard Core Curriculum Report in 1978 and was intended to respond to what I took to be an ominous educational reform initiative that, without naming it, would delegitimate the decisive, if spontaneous, disclosure of the complicity of liberal American institutions of higher learning with the state’s brutal conduct of the war in Vietnam and the consequent call for opening the university to meet the demands by hitherto marginalized constituencies of American society for enfranchisement.

    Question: Why would anybody want to hear any other football-related opinion that does not come from the mind of me, beloved ESPN columnist Gregg Easterbrook? I alone have the insight to tell you that there are only eight things worth saying about America's most popular sport.

    Lorem ipsum send eight guys. Lorem ipsum do a little dance. Lorem ipsum same old shit.

    Surprising Unified Field Theory of Sweet 'n' Sour Field Creep: The Dark Knight was a rather popular movie. I don't know if I've EVER mentioned this before, but I didn't like that movie very much. In fact, I think it's the most worsterest movie of ALL TIME! This is a bold, contrarian opinion, and I am a genius for thinking it, as I am for thinking all of the thoughts I think. I mention this occasionally.

    Worst ANYTHING of the ENTIRE HISTORY OF TIME thus far: Big Blitz. Puzzling statistics.



    Pop culture reference that is not as clever or witty as I seem to think it is.

    Unified Field Theory of Guys in White Vans: Say, have you ever noticed that the host of people asking you if you've noticed that Christmas displays come earlier every year comes earlier every year?

    I also put this to a clear line fourth-and-4 on a 35-1 home streak in the postseason surprising big blitz. That is keep San Francisco never saw the ball, since the referee saw Brees contacted by three points Dark Knight filmed partially in Pittsburgh.

    That is: Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning is 21-1 against the Big Blitz. Reader Eric Moore of two things happened statistically surprising. Maybe the same as forward progress doing a little dance in short yardage situations.

    Single Worst Play of Kingston, N.H., writes: Even before the Patriots' win, that it was 2013 model year in January. Gregg Easterbrook's Unified Field Theory of Creep by me, Gregg Easterbrook. The ball will be spotted on the most puzzling statistic in sports, that Brady is keep San Francisco to win. But this is proof positive that there is no more sporting statistic in all of surprise.

    I'm Gregg Easterbrook. You're welcome.

    NOTE: This post has been mercifully edited down from its original eight million words.
    Last edited by BBQ Platypus; 01-17-2012 at 05:48 PM.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  3. #753
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    Thank you for infiltrating my mind with your strangely relevent, yet arousing web content. I will podner (No, pun isn't fucking intended you asshole, wait, that's not a pun because I misspelt ponder?? Well hell) all that was mentioned for a solid 17.4 nanoseconds before immediately forgetting what I"m typing about. After all,




    Anyway, today is the day that I am sitting in the laboratory of computers, whilst failing to finish my assignment, I find myself wondering. What ever became of the man known as BBQ platypus? He used to be here to share his wisdom on nearly a semi-annual basis, but now, we only see him on a semi-annual basis (the other semi-annual of course). To me, this will not do. Wait a second, I now see why. BBQ has developed a fascination with a certain young platypussy, and has produced two terribly twisted offspring:


    Names? If you don't tell me I will assign them my own names.

    The one of the left is called James Westfall, the one on the right is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater.

    You were too late, that is now their names. If you can't pronounce it with your playtpus tongue, I suggest getting a guy to pronounce it for you.

    That is all

  4. #754
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    Dearest BBQ,

    Would you take a guaranteed short long lost for a risky long term gain?
    We're bringing purple back.

  5. #755
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    Happy Platypus Day
    By TweetsCenter Staff

    The Platypus. An underrated animal found in eastern Australia celebrated its own holiday on Saturday. Topping the trending topics lists in social media, the platypus was the subject of tweets from all over the world.

    A mammal which looks as if it could have been created in a 1st-grade art class with its hodgepodge of features including beaver tails, duck-like bills and waterproof-fur, the platypus looks warm and cuddly but is capable of inflicting some serious damage. Male platypuses possess a spur on its hind legs to deliver venom strong enough to kill small animals. This duality of the platypus is explored in the Disney Channel show, “Phineas and Ferb”. Perry the Platypus leads a double life as a loveable pet when Phineas and Ferb are around, but works during the day as a super secret agent fighting the evil doctor Doofenshmirtz.

    People have been sleeping on the platypuses for a long time. Nice to see them finally get the credit they deserve.
    Happy Platypus Day

    We're bringing purple back.

  6. #756
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    Quote Originally Posted by gregair13 View Post
    Dearest BBQ,

    Would you take a guaranteed short long lost for a risky long term gain?
    Only if that long-term gain were somehow bacon-related. Otherwise, no.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  7. #757
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    Quote Originally Posted by gregair13 View Post
    It's good to be appreciated. When I take over the world, every day shall be Platypus Day. And everyone shall be required to sing a song in praise of how awesome I am, on pain of death. So says the Platypus.
    Last edited by BBQ Platypus; 03-04-2012 at 12:07 AM.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  8. #758
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    Quote Originally Posted by BBQ Platypus View Post
    It's good to be appreciated. When I take over the world, every day shall be Platypus Day. And everyone shall be required to sing a song in praise of how awesome I am, on pain of death. So says the Platypus.
    Could you write us that song?
    We're bringing purple back.

  9. #759
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    Mr. Platypus,
    Could you please explain the correlation between pixi stick use in childhood and cocaine use in adulthood?

  10. #760
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    Quote Originally Posted by gregair13 View Post
    Could you write us that song?
    Yes. Will I? No.

    Well, okay, maybe I can show you the chorus and the first two verses. The lyrics have been translated into English from the tonal fart-based language which will be the lingua franca once I rule the world. I am indeed a generous god.

    CHORUS:
    La la la la la la la la
    Emperor BBQ Platypus
    La la la la la la la la
    He is so great

    When our glorious supreme overlord was born
    Less than 1000 years ago
    He exited the womb holding two bottles of Heinz Easy-Squeeze Dill Relish
    So the hot dogs of the world would not go unclothed
    Also his mother was a cyborg

    CHORUS

    We shall strive to be more like our Glorious Emperor BBQ Platypus
    In spite of our comparative puniness
    We shall maintain proper hygiene at all times
    And suppress all political dissidents with lethal force
    Whoever kills the most suspected subversives this week wins a free two-topping pizza
    Offer void in Nebraska

    CHORUS

    The whole song is 99 verses long and contains a 14-minute keytar solo by me, Emperor BBQ Platypus. You're welcome.

    Quote Originally Posted by jmcdon00
    Mr. Platypus,
    Could you please explain the correlation between pixi stick use in childhood and cocaine use in adulthood?"
    If you snort Pixie Stix as a three-year old you are more likely to snort cocaine as an adult. If you snort cocaine as a three-year-old you are more likely to snort Pixie Stix as an adult.
    Last edited by BBQ Platypus; 03-20-2012 at 01:47 PM.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

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