BBQ Ate Too Many Pixie Sticks for Breakfast This Morning...

**BBQ Platypus** · 12-12-2005, 10:03 PM

M'kay. I'm back. I still need to quote multiple messages, and I'm too lazy to go back and forth between the "edit post" screen and the actual thread itself, so here goes.

"prophet" wrote:

Dear BBQ,

I have a lot of stuff that I need to get done today but I find myself on this site wasting time. What should I do?

Prophet.

Dear Prophet,

There is only one thing you can do: run to the office of your congressman and tell him to make you a peanut butter sandwich, no crust. And to really throw him off, call him "mommy." This won't help at all, but it' would be REALLY freaking hilarious if you did.

79 1/2 Oreos,
BBQ Platypus

"countrygirl" wrote:

Dear BBQ,

Why are Captain Crunch's eyebrows on his hat?

CG

Well, countrygirl, I'm glad you asked. I've given this a lot of thought, and I've come up with 3 scientific possibilities:

Possibility #1: The 'Cap's cap is actually a hat-shaped balloon. This enables him to shave his eyebrows and glue the remaining hair together to make 2 eyebrow toupees, rubbing them against his hat/balloon to create static cling, giving him 2 eyebrows on his hat. He must shave his eyebrows every morning to prevent himself from having 4 eyebrows.

Possibility #2: Captain Crunch either does not have eyebrows or shaves them every morning. His eyebrows are actually iron filings which have been painted white, and are held to his cap with a powerful magnet hidden inside, the position of which can be manipulated by off-stage technicians, which enables him to use his eyebrows in facial expressions.

Possibility #3: The unfortunate Captain inherited a rare disorder from Mrs. Crunch's side of the family known as Blue Hat-Shaped Cranial Syndrome. While the bottom of his head is (relatively) normal, the top of his skull, due to irregular growth, takes on a shape that is very similar to the hat of a ship's captain during puberty. The stress on the skin turns it blue (except for a yellow C). His eyebrows are attached to his head in an abnormally high arch, which makes it appear that his eyebrows are attached to a "hat" that he is wearing when they are actually on his head.

However, his eyebrow abnormality can be most easily be explained by the fact that he is a FREAKING CARTOON CHARACTER!!! Give the guy a break! It's not his fault that the person who drew him had no concept of the human anatomy! Lay off him, alright?

**countrygirl** · 12-12-2005, 11:33 PM

Thank you for the clarification. I can go on with my life now.

**cajunvike** · 12-13-2005, 12:00 AM

"countrygirl" wrote:

Thank you for the clarification. I can go on with my life now.

Which is solely to worship the man who is Chris Walsh!!! :lol:

**BBQ Platypus** · 12-13-2005, 02:55 PM

Random Thought Related to Last Post: Hmm..."Eyebrow Toupee" would make a great name for a band...
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Campfire Songs for the Calcium-Deficient - Episode WTF: It's Time You Accepted the Inevitable Truth that All Traffic Lights Hate You

Once upon an infomercial there was a slightly-above-average man living on a slightly-above-average income in a slightly-above-average house with his slightly-above-average children and his slightly-above-average-looking wife in Slightly-Above-Average, Montana. One slightly-above-average day, he was accosted by a slightly-above-averagehero named LAME HAIRY TOAD MAN!!!!!!. (The period is included at the end of the sentence because the six exclamation points are actually part of his name).

"Pardon me, fair citizen," inquired LAME HAIRY TOAD MAN!!!!!! in a fairly polite, relatively mild-mannered toad, "but I need your help! The fate of the Mountain time zone depends upon me! McDonald's has collaborated with the evil scientists at Wal-Mart to release a new hamburger that will turn all denizens of the fair, forgotten Mountain time zone, the time zone of the great Denver Broncos, into Mindless McDonald's/Wal-Mart slaves!!! I must thwart this plan! Unfortunately, my car broke down on the way to their regional headquarters. Can you give me a ride to Denver?"

The slightly-above-average man turned his head to see a septic-tank blue 1991 Geo Metro with flame decals on the side and a vanity plate that read "TOADMBL."

"Well, I don't know...it's kinda early in the morning, and I haven't had my coffee quite yet...besides, with the price of gas the way it is, it would cost a whole lot to go all the way to Denver, and it would probably take all day, so I'd probably miss my favorite TV show, so...no. Go to hell."

After asking about 10 different people, LAME HAIRY TOAD MAN!!!!!! gave up on hitchhiking and decided to use his lame hairy toad powers to hop to Denver, leaping two miles at a time. However, his presence was picked up by NORAD, who mistook him for a Russian bomber. He was shot down by an F-15, whose heat-seeking missiles locked on to his bad breath. The entire Mountain time zone was taken over by Wal-Mart and McDonalds, now under the iron-fisted rule of their evil emperor.

--THE END--

**countrygirl** · 12-13-2005, 04:17 PM

"cajunvike" wrote:

"countrygirl" wrote:

Thank you for the clarification. I can go on with my life now.

Which is solely to worship the man who is Chris Walsh!!! :lol:

Happy belated B-day Mr. Walsh

ccasion7: !!!!
(his B-day was yesterday)

**BBQ Platypus** · 12-13-2005, 08:48 PM

Almost forgot to answer this one. But I'm not answering PhillyVikes' question. He might get his hands on some.

"WBLVikeBabe" wrote:

Dear Mr. BBQ,

Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways??

I'm severely disappointed that this was the best question you could think of, wbl. The answer is quite simple:

This language quirk, like all language quirks, was put in deliberately just so people could have something to b*tch about even when everything is going well. Human beings are bitchy by nature. They want to complain about SOMETHING, even if it's about something as petty as grammar and word usage. Thus, the people who coined these terms deliberately created the inconsistency so that smart-asses generations hence would be able to ask why we park on driveways and drive on parkways.