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  1. #181
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Random Wild West villain: Kid Prokaryote, the fastest, um...whatever it is that bacteria would shoot a gun the West!

    Or, potentially, an Old Skool type rapper: The baddest Streptococcus strain you know!

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #182
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Random explanation;

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  3. #183
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Another random thought:











































































    ...Never mind. I am currently incapable of any type of thought. :tard:

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  4. #184
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    Saint Paul, MN

    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Random thought: Have you ever looked at a periodic table and tried to rate the groups in order of coolness? I have. I think that Group XIII is the shiznit. Group V is the 5ux0r. Vanadium? WTF? Nobody cares. That is just PATHETIC. Lame, lame, LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  5. #185
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    Saint Paul, MN

    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Random invention: Nacho-flavored Skittles.

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  6. #186
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    Saint Paul, MN

    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Another random invention: Skittle-flavored nachos.

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  7. #187
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    Saint Paul, MN

    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Looks like it's time to use the Thread Defibrillator! CLEAR!


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  8. #188
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Still no pulse, BBQ

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  9. #189
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    God, no! Please don't die! I haven't even reached first base with you yet! :cry:

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  10. #190
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    And now, an extensive list of Frank Zappa quotes (the site I found them on can be found here:

    Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.

    You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual
    roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.

    He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own
    steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck

    And are going to you've never danced before!

    Bring the band on down behind me, boys.

    Not a speck of cereal.

    Nothing but the best for my dog.

    You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!

    It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!

    Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

    They're serving burgers in the back!

    Jazz is not just smells funny.
    Beebop tango introduction

    I have a message to deliver to the cute people of the world...if you're
    cute, or maybe you're beautiful...there's MORE OF US UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS
    OUT THERE THAN YOU ARE!! So watch out.

    Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

    You're an asshole! You're an asshole!<BR>
    That's right! You're an asshole! You're an asshole! Yes yes!

    Number one ain't you...
    You ain't even number two.

    We could jam in Joe's garage,
    we didn't have no dope or LSD
    but a coupl'o'quarts o'beer,
    would fix it so the intonation
    would not offend your ear.

    Who are the brain police?

    This is the exciting part. <BR>
    This is like the Supremes <BR>
    see the way it builds up?<BR>
    Feel it?

    A prune isn't really a vegetable...<BR>
    CABBAGE is a vegetable...

    Here's one for mother

    Only thirteen, and she knows how to NASTY


    Diamonds on velvets on goldens on vixen<BR>
    On comet & cupid on donner & blitzen<BR>
    On up & away & afar & a go-go<BR>
    Escape from the weight of your corporate logo!

    Don't it ever get lonesome?

    Eddie, are you kidding?

    I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow...

    Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

    Never try to get your peter sucked in France.

    Kill Ugly Radio

    I'm not black, but there's a whole lot of
    times I wish I could say I'm not white.

    Help! I'm a rock!

    Another day, another sausage...

    I want a garden!

    Don't mind your make-up<BR>
    you'd better make your mind up.

    On a personal level, Freaking Out is a process whereby an
    individual casts off outmoded and restricting standars of
    thinking, dress, and social etiquette in order to express
    CREATIVELY his relationship to his immediate environment and
    the social structure as a whole.
    from the liner notes of Freak Out.

    Great googly-moogly - you're gonna do it too!

    Information is not knowledge, <BR>
    Knowledge is not wisdom, <BR>
    Wisdom is not truth, <BR>
    Truth is not beauty, <BR>
    Beauty is not love, <BR>
    Love is not music <BR>
    and Music is THE BEST

    Gee, it's so hard to find a place to park around here.

    Playing guitar is like fucking -- you never forget it.


    Unless you're really, really stupid.

    There are more love songs than anything else.<BR>
    If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.

    If classical music is the state of the art,<BR>
    then the arts are in a sad state.

    Beauty is a French phonetic corruption of a short, cloth neck
    ornament, currently in resurgence.

    Don't cry...<BR>
    Gotta go bye bye...<BR>
    Suddenly die die...<BR>
    Cop kill a creep!<BR>
    Pow pow pow

    Modern music is a sick puppy.

    Some Scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is
    so plentiful, is the basic building block of the
    universe. I dispute that. I say there is more
    stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic
    building block of the universe.

    Most people wouldn't know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass.
    As quoted in Whole Grains, an early 1970's book of quotations

    I figure the odds be fifty-fifty
    I just might have some thing to say.<BR>

    The person who stands up and says, ``This is
    stupid,' either is asked to `behave' or, worse,
    is greeted with a cheerful ``Yes, we know!
    Isn't it terrific!'

    The more BORING a child is, the more the parents,
    when showing off the child, receive adulation for
    being GOOD PARENTS -- because they have a TAME
    CHILD-CREATURE in their house.

    The worst aspect of `typical familyism'
    (as media-merchandised) is that it
    glorifies _involuntary_homogenization_.

    Gail has said in interviews that one of the
    things that makes our relationship work is
    the fact that we hardly ever get to talk to
    each other.

    The language and concepts contained herein are
    guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the
    place where the guy with the horns and pointed
    stick conducts his business.

    My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a
    happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or
    her as far away from a church as you can.

    I like having the capitol of the United
    States in Washington, D.C., in spite of
    recent efforts to move it to Lynchburg,

    He [Barney Frank] is one of the most
    impressive guys in Congress. He is a
    great model for young gay men.

    Children are naive -- they trust everyone.
    School is bad enough, but, if you put a child
    anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're
    asking for trouble.

    It would be easier to pay off the national debt
    overnight than to neutralize the long-range

    Nuclear explosions under the Nevada desert?<BR>
    What the fuck are we testing for?<BR>
    We already know the shit blows up.<BR>

    Politics is the
    entertainment branch of

    Star Wars won't work. Star Wars won't work.
    The gas still gets through; it could get right on
    you. And what about those germs, now?
    Star Wars won't work.

    Washington, D.C.: a city infested with
    statues -- and Congressional Blow-Boys
    who WISH they were statues.

    Thanks to our schools and political leadership,
    the U.S. has acquired an international reputation
    as the home of 250 million people dumb enough to
    buy 'The Wacky Wall-Walker.'

    Stupidity has a certain charm --
    ignorance does not.

    The real question is:
    Is it possible to laugh
    while fucking?"

    The single-child yuppo-family that uses the child
    as a status object: `A perfect child? Of course!
    We have one here -- he's under the coffee table.
    Ralph, stand up! Play the violin!'

    Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to
    the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead
    for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through
    the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and
    then wonder how all those assholes got in there.

    In every language, the first word after "Mama!" that every kid learns to say
    is "Mine!" A system that doesn't allow ownership, that doesn't allow you to
    say "Mine!" when you grow up, has -- to put it mildly -- a fatal design flaw.

    From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read _The Little Red Book_
    in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in
    line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three
    generations. ...

    Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven't
    altered this fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other,
    and, if they don't get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.

    If it sounds GOOD to YOU, it's bitchen; and if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's

    The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact
    mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.

    In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

    Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes
    America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we
    have tolerated the last eight years?

    Lord have mercy on the people in England for the terrible food
    these people must eat. And Lord have mercy on the fate of this
    movie and God bless the mind of the man in the street.

    Interviewer: "So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a
    FZ: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"

    If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they'll
    gonna murder you in your sleep....
    As quoted in Whole Grains, an early 1970's book of quotations

    I'm not a man for all seasons but I'm doing something right.<BR>
    Frank Zappa during the Senate PMRC hearings.

    Ugly as I mights be, I am your futum!

    There is no hell. There is only France.

    ``Conducting' is when you draw ``designs' in the nowhere -- with
    your stick, or with your hands -- which are interpreted as
    ``instructional messages' by guys wearing bow ties who wish they
    were fishing.

    Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production
    deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

    The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has the medieval aroma
    -- like the days when everything used to sound like that.

    Some people crave baseball -- I find this unfathomable --
    but I can easily understand
    why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon.

    Whatever you have to do to have a good time, let's get
    on with it, so long as it doesn't cause a murder.

    Politics is the showbiz of industry.

    Let's just admit that public education is mediocre at best.

    Without deviation from the norm, 'progress' is not possible.

    The last election just laid the foundation of the next 500
    years of Dark Ages
    From 1981

    Look, just because you have got that fuckin' thing between
    your legs it doesn't make any diference. If a girl does
    something stupid I am going to call her just as I would a

    A world of sexual incompetents, encountering
    eachother, under disco circumstances... Now can't you
    do songs about that?

    A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on
    unsuspecting air molecules,often with the assistence of
    unsuspecting musicians.

    There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful,
    that it's going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it.

    fuck that! when did mediocrity and banality become a good
    image for your children?

    Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people
    think you are?

    Life is like highschool with money.

    Information doesn't kill you...
    Senate Hearing on "Porn Rock", 1985 during an exchange with
    a Born Again Christian.

    Where ever you're going, don't walk the first.
    If you do, people will think you know where you're going.

    A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes
    in when people who take drugs treat them like a licence to behave
    like an asshole.

    Flatulence can be cruel!

    Speed: It will turn you into your parents.
    1970 public service announcement regarding drug (namely, speed) use

    Sopranos!? That's why God made the rocket launcher and grenade!
    Zappa & I were talking about the difficulties of getting
    good performances of music each of us write. I asked him
    if had had as many problems with sopranos and I had had.
    That was his response!

    I got to drive him around Columbus
    Ohio in April 1984 for the week he was at Ohio State
    participating in the 1984 National Conference of the
    American Society of University Composers. We spent lots of
    hours together during that week and stayed in touch
    thereafter. -- E. Michael Harrington

    There were 45 men in the jail cell, the toilet and shower
    had never been cleaned, the temperature was 110 degrees so
    you couldn't sleep night or day, there were roaches in the
    oatmeal, sadistic guards, and everything that was nice.
    Zappa 1969 interview

    This had happened during the days of Studio Z in Cucamonga (1963).
    Frank was released on bail (his father took out a bank loan
    to pay for it). Frank had been busted for "conspiracy to
    commit pornography," after making a silly recording of
    suggestive sexual sounds (giggling edited out) for someone
    who had asked him to provide a "special" tape recording
    for a stag night. That someone turned out to be Detective Willis
    of the San Bernadino Vice Squad. Their conversation was
    recorded by a hidden microphone and this was used as
    evidence at Zappa's trial.

    More info from "ZAPPA - A Visual Documentary by Miles",
    Omnibus Press, 1993, ISBN 0.7119.3099.6

    Winos don't march.

    This is a personal thing, I think that if you wanted to make top ten hits
    and sell millions of records, you could.

    Frank Zappa:<BR>
    Yeah, but who wants to go through life with a tiny nose and one glove on?

    I was writing all kinds of positive and negative canons
    and weird inverted this and retrograde that and getting as
    spaced-out mathematically as I could and I was going
    "Wait a minute (laughs), who cares about that stuff?" I
    had always liked rhythm and blues so here I was stuck
    between the slide rule and the gut bucket somewhere and I
    decided that I would opt for a third road someplace in
    From an 1972 interview to Martin Perlich. On giving up writing serial music.

    It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.

    I knew Jimi (Hendrix) and I think that the best thing
    you could say about Jimi was: there was a person who
    shouldn't use drugs.
    From the second of two FZ interviews which were transcribed from an
    imported CD called "The Frank Zappa Interview Picture Disk".
    Conducted sometime in early to mid 1984.

    Sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better.

    It's better to have something to remember than nothing to reget...

    Why do people continue to compose music, and even pretend to teach
    others how to do it, when they already know the answer?
    Nobody gives a fuck.

    If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your
    mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to
    do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT.
    From the Real Frank Zappa book.

    A mind is like a parachute. It doesnt work if it not open.

    You've got to be digging it while it's happening<BR>
    'cause it just might be a one shot deal
    From Waka/Jawaka

    There will never be a nuclear war; there's too much real estate involved.
    Zappa on the Tonight Show, C.A. 1988

    Heaven would be a place where bullshit existed only on television.
    (Hallelujah! We's halfway there!)
    Television. Sometime probably in 1988. The Real Frank Zappa Book p. 234

    Don't expect anything,don't expect fun, don't expect friends..
    if you get's a BONUS

    Golly, do I ever have alot of soul!!
    A reference from "We're only in it for the money"
    regarding his ability to strum, sing dance, and make merry fun all over
    the stage!

    Shoot low, they're riding Shetlands
    European Zappa distributors Music For Nations on the occasion of some
    anniversary of theirs.

    Everyone in thes room is wearing a uniform, and don't kid yourself
    Live at the Circle Star, from 20 Years on the Road, when notified there were
    "cops in uniform" in the audience.

    Children are naive-they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you
    put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're asking for trouble.
    Zappa expressing his opinion pertaining to raising a child. He was saying
    that institutions such as schools and churches, which have the power to
    control and brainwash your child, are totally over rated, and shouldn't
    always be recognized as a genuinely good thing.

    The ONLY thing that seems to band all nations together, is that their
    governments are universally bad....
    F.Z. in German television interview

    If we can't be free at least we can be cheap.

    Whoever we are, whereever we're from, we should have noticed by now
    our behaviour is dumb, and if our chances are expected to improve, it's
    gonna take a lot more than trying to remove, the other race, or the other
    whatever, from the face of the planet altogether
    Dumb All Over, You Are What You Is

    Nobody looks good bent over. Especially to pick up a cheque.
    Guitar Magazine 1984

    The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden
    history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of
    knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is
    because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could
    be in the Garden of Eden if you had just keep your fucking
    mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.
    Playboy Interview, April 1993

    When we talk about artistic freedom in this country
    We sometime lose sight of the fact that freedom is
    often dependent on adequate financing.

    If you want to get laid, go to college, but if you want an education,
    go to the library.
    Quoted in the Pittsburgh Press in the summer of 67.

    A lot of things wrong with society today are directly
    attributable to the fact that the people who make the
    laws are sexually maladjusted.
    from "I Seem To Be a Verb" by R. Buckminster Fuller, 1970.

    The gorilla is on an island,eats bananas and has a good time all day long.
    He plays out there in the bushes. Some Americans find out about the gorilla
    and they hear how BIG he is - you know.They're very impressed with the size
    of the beast. So they catch the gorilla & they stick him in a boat & bring
    him back to the US.
    They show him off to everybody & make a bunch of money.
    ...Then they kill him !
    The song King Kong.1968 tour Wisconsin.

    Well, you know I've been here many times, and only certain
    hours of the day when I'm here am I asleep; the rest of the
    time I'm actually awake.
    I have a filler on a dat with zappa being interrogated by
    a couple of swedish fans/state officers(who knows) which
    they are arguing over the pornographic contents of his
    work. he tells them he has been spying on them, and claims
    that their porno industry is bigger than that of the US.
    it's pretty funny.
    btw-this is from thew '88 tour.

    I can gross out anybody in this room.
    Said during a concert at Mount Holyoke College in the early 1970s.

    Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.
    --I saw this in an email .sig at someone who sent in a comment to
    "Elephant Talk"- the King Crimson email newsletter.

    Outdoors for me is walking from the car to the ticket desk at the airport
    Regarding secondhand smoke in "The Real FZ Book"

    My music is like a movie for your eear

    Here I stand hoping against hope that it's a chick with a low voice
    At a concert in Beloit, Wisconsin 1968 or 69 a guy in the
    audience yelled out, "Eat me Zappa".

    Don't clap for destroying America. This place is as good as you want to make it.
    Zappa introduced "Billy the Mountain" by revealing that Billy and
    Ethel took a vacation trip across the united States, destroying it in the
    process. This was Zappa's response to the applause and cheers from the
    audience. Cleveland Colliseum, 1971

    If it can be conceived as music, it can be executed as music, and presented to
    an audience in such a way that they will perceive it as music: "Look at this.
    Ever seen one of these before? I built this for you. What do you mean, 'What
    the fuck is it?' It's a goddam ETUDE, asshole."

    This is a really nice place. Don't fuck it up.
    Chrysler Hall, Norfolk, Virginia in the Spring of 1984.
    A very genteel place to see fine compositions performed live.
    Usually the opera folks hang out there.

    The whole Universe is a large joke.
    Everything in the Universe are just subdivisions of this joke.
    So why take anything too serious.
    In September 1992 on SFB 3 when he gave an interview about the Yellow Shark.

    You can't write a chord ugly enough to say what you want sometimes, so
    you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.
    On a postcard from Rykodisc

    Kid's heads are filled with so many nonfacts that when they get out of
    school they're totally unprepared to do anything. They can't read, they
    can't write, they can't think. Talk about child abuse. The U.S. school
    system as a whole qualifies.
    Discussing the state of the education system in America -
    Playboy magazine, April 1993.

    We haven't got'em whipped on this one yet. You got a bear by the tail here,
    uh? Jeezis!
    Bill of Rights ground into 'hoopla' by a woman (presumably a senator's
    wife). from sleeve MOP -1985.

    There are fourty people in this world, and five of them are hamburgers.
    It was in a book of "Rock quotes" that I read in college, 10 years ago.
    None of the quotes were put into any context.

    Or is this a Beefheart quote?

    If something goes wrong and you tend to smile it away, then
    you have someone to blame.

    Drop out of school, before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre
    educational system. Go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any
    Quoted from an article on FZ in the June 1995 issue of
    "SLUG" magazine. Article titled "Zappa behind the Sneer.
    I think the magazine may be a local (Salt Lake City) publication.

    Never stop until your good becomes better, and your better becomes the best.

    Now imagine a Moebius vortex inside a spherical constant, and you've
    got my cosmology.

    The people of your century no longer require the service of composers.
    A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd
    in the middle of his runway.
    from the Them Or Us The Book

    THE VERY BIG STUPID is a thing which breeds by eating The
    Future. Have you seen it? It sometimes disguises itself as a
    good-looking quarterly bottom line, derived by closing the R&D
    from The Real Frank Zappa book.

    For my taste, these solos (of some 50s blues guitarists) are
    exemplary because what is being played seems honest and, in a
    musical way, a direct extension of the personality of the men
    who played them.
    January 1977.

    We play the new free music,
    music as the absolutely free,
    unencumbered by American cultural suppression

    It's not pretty, also you can't dance to it.

    There's no single ideal listener out there who likes my orchestral music, my
    guitar albums and songs like 'Dyna-Moe-Humm.'

    It's all one big note.

    Ladies and gentleman, watch Ruth. All through the show, Ruth
    has been thinking...Ruth has been thinking? ALL THROUGH THE SHOW???
    17 November 1974, Philadelphia

    We'll get back to the wimp, and his low-budget concepshum of personal
    freedom, in just a moment

    You can tell what they think of our music by the places we
    are forced to play it in. This looks like a good spot for
    a livestock show.
    April 1968, Chicago,
    Mothers of Invention open for Cream

    I'm not going to be Bill Clinton and say I never inhaled. I did
    inhale. I liked tobacco a lot better.

    The notion of a "guitar solo" has preconceptions based on it;
    people automatically refute it because it's supposed to be self-indulgent or
    "for musicians." It's almost like things become iconographic and somehow lose
    their value for outsiders.

    Well, who's fault is that? That's what _writers_ do. Musicians don't do that.
    The average person doesn't sit around thinking about "iconographic problems
    of a guitar solo."
    Interview for Musician magazine, by Matt Resnicoff, November 1991.
    Reprinted in July 1995 Issue.

    Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.
    In an interview with Joan Rivers who had just asked him why he gave his
    children such odd names, Frank gave the reply above.

    I write the music I like. If other people like it, fine, they
    can go buy the albums. And if they don't like it, there's always
    Michael Jackson for them to listen to.
    Frank was talking about his music from the Yellow Shark.

    I never set out to be wierd. It was always the other people who called
    me wierd.
    To the Baltimore Sun, October 12, 1986

    I don't want to spend explaining myself whole my life.
    Either you get , or you don't!

    Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex.
    from the Real Frank Zappa Book

    Why doncha come on over to the house and I'll show 'em to ya?
    Senate hearing on pornography in music, when Sen. Paula Hawkins from Florida
    said ... "I'd like to see what kind of toys your children play with."

    Throwing objects such as this are capable of damaging
    expensive musical equipment and musicians. Any more of this
    and there will be no more music.
    FZ, Autumn 1981 at Northrup auditorium in Minneapolis,
    Minnesota. After someone threw a plunger on stage about
    two-thirds of the way through the show, he stopped the band
    with a wave of his hand speaking in the general direction
    that the dangerous object was thrown, while holding it in
    his hand.
    This did not prove to be an amusing act and Franks mood
    - It was, however, an evening of excellent, serious
    musicianship around the release of 'Shut up and play
    your guitar'

    Music is the most physically inspiring of all the arts.
    Said as he gave the keynote address at the American Society
    of University Composers in Columbus Ohio in 1985.

    And all the rest of whom for which to whensonever of
    partially indeterminate bio-chemical degredation. Seek the
    path to the sudsy yellow nozzle of
    their foaming nocturnal parametric digital whole-wheat
    inter-faith geo-thermal terpsichorean ejectamenta.
    From board tape at Zappa concert, outdoors, at Blossom Music Center,
    Akron, Ohio, summer 1984. This quote was in the middle of a spoken section
    of "The Mud Club" in which a dude walks into the club with a blue Mohawk and
    proceeds to "work the floor, work the wall, work the monitor system. . . ."
    The band was having monitor feedback problems at the Blossom concert, and
    there are numerous references to P.A. equipment throughout this ramble.
    Other than that, the quote is meaningless, I guess. But great imagery!

    You get nothing with your college degree
    from Roxy & Elsewhere

    With the power of soul you can do anything you wanna do.
    I guess he was takling about the feeling of his music.
    It was in a guitar magazine.

    Specifically, the small fret guitar-playing technique that
    musicians have a tendency to display while in pursuit of a
    cross between a waitress and a hoover vacuum...
    This, of course, from his book.

    Beware of forest fires...Don't fuck too hot-a-gal in it might
    jest set em on fire.
    From a series of bootlegs that were recorded i n the 3 European tours that
    I travelled with during my illustrious military career in Pirmasens
    W. Germany....11/76-6/79...most of the quotes came from the live titties
    and beer versions with fz and skinny little terry ted bozio. Definitely
    in Paris, Stutgart and outside of Kaiserslaughtern ( K-Town )

    It was 11 o'clock upon a friday know that me an' her were feelin'
    outasite....yeah 20 reds and a big ol' pile of weed...ya know we drank some
    wine and then we LSD'd...well Chrissy puked twice and jumped on my bike...she
    said fire it up because you know what I like...then she burned her leg on the
    tailpipe then and said shiter-ree and puked again....
    From a series of bootlegs that were recorded i n the 3 European tours that
    I travelled with during my illustrious military career in Pirmasens
    W. Germany....11/76-6/79...most of the quotes came from the live titties
    and beer versions with fz and skinny little terry ted bozio. Definitely
    in Paris, Stutgart and outside of Kaiserslaughtern ( K-Town )

    Playing guitar with this band is like trying to grow

    Always get a second opinion.
    His personal physician did not diagnose prostate cancer
    before it was too advanced to treat with any success.

    Freak me out, Frank!

    I think "when" is a very important thing, but "what the fuck!" is also a
    very important thing to ask. Just keep asking "what the fuck?" I mean,
    why the fuck bother? See what i mean? The important thing is, deal with
    the "when". "When" will open a lot of shit for you.
    "What the fuck" really makes it easier to deal with it when you understand
    the "when".

    It's fucking great to be alive, ladies and gentlemen,
    and if you do not believe it is fucking great to be alive,
    you better go now, because this show will bring you down so much
    from Just Another Band From L.A.

    All right, Zubin, hit it!
    Frank's onstage cue to conductor Zubin Mehta during their collaborative
    effort with the L.A. Philharmonic orchestra in 1970

    The crux of the biscuit is: If it entertains you, fine. Enjoy it. If it
    doesn't, then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse myself. If I like it,
    I release it. If somebody else likes it, that's a bonus.
    What he's talking about is obvious. He said this in an interview with
    Playboy magazine on May 2, 1993.

    You can tell what they think of our music by the places we are forced to
    play it in. This looks like a good spot for a livestock show.
    The Mothers of Invention were opening for Cream in April of 1968 in Chicago.
    The place was very large and did look like it had been used for displays of
    cattle and other such animals.

    It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong.
    The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right...
    Why do you necessarily have to be wrong jus because a few million people think
    you are?
    Why they don't play my stuff on the radio<BR>
    From the Real Frank Zappa Book (1989 Poseidon Press)

    The Future is scary! (Yes, it sure is!)

    It makes me wanna dance.
    From a FZ interview about some music he had composed (on the synclavier).
    It was written in 17/35 (or something like that).

    This is Frank Zappa saying, Don't do speed. Speed turns you into your parents.
    this used to play OFTEN as a public service announcement(PSA)
    on radio station WHFS at 102.5 FM in bethesda,MD.USA during
    the early '70's. it was followed by a nearly inaudible
    whisper, "...but grass and acid are o.k.", which may have
    been frank, or one of the mothers.

    I never took a shit on stage, and the closest I ever came to eating shit
    anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.
    From The Real Frank Zappa book.

    Rain is good for you...<BR>
    Rain is bad for electrical equipment...
    Outdoor concert, Jones Beach, NY, Circa 1984

    You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an
    airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team
    or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

    Nobody looks good in brown lipstick

    Get yer ass out there and register to VOTE!

    Whenever your down, just think about how you got there.

    Anything over a mouthful is wasted.

    The family was from Arkansas. The Dad (Dink) was a furniture salesman in
    San Bernardino, but, back in the way-bak-when, he used to play 'bones' or
    'spoons' in a minstrel show. To relive the golden days of yesteryear he
    would, from time to time, force his children to accompany him (Ronnie
    on guitar, Kenny on trombone) in a living room replay of a minstrel routine
    called "Lazy Bones.

    The kids often found this to be an inconvenience, as they were fascinated by,
    and constantly perfecting new techniques for, The Manly Art Of Fart-Burning.
    Kenny explained to me that it was scientific - that it demonstrated (this is
    a real quote) "Compression, ignition, combustion and exhaust."
    Kenny & Ronnie Williams (later "immortalized" in "Let's Make The Water
    Turn Black")

    From "The Real Frank Zappa Book" Chapter 4

    I can't think of anything I like more than audience participation
    From the Mothers of Prevention

    To me, cigarettes are food
    Response to an assertion that his nicotine habit conflicted with his anti-drug

    May you'll never hear a vloerbedekking again.
    The beginning of "Theme from Lumpy Gravy," performed in Rotterdam,
    The Netherlands. Vloerbedekking means "carpet" in Dutch. It must be one of
    the Frank's made up musical terms translated into Dutch, just like putting
    eyebrowes on something.

    It's not ordinary and it's not mundane,but it does not involve golden showers
    and appliances
    He was talking about his sex life with Gail in 1980. This information comes
    from a book I picked up the other day entitled Frank Zappa: in his own words

    Ooooh the way you love me baby,<BR>
    I get so hard now I could die.<BR>
    Ooooh the way you squeeze me lady<BR>
    red balloons just pop behind my eyes
    Magic Fingers, 200 Motels

    You see, when I was a kid I used to save up for a month, so I could get
    an R&B album and, the same day, the completed works of Anton Webern.
    Maybe that means something. Maybe that tells you something about my music.
    Excerpt from the book "Rock and Other Four Letter Words", copyright 1968.

    Seeing a psychotherapist is not a crazy idea, it
    just wanting a second opinion of ones life.

    All year long you people manufactured this crap, and one night a year you've
    got to listen to it!
    Frank introducing "psychedelic music" to the audience of the National Academy
    of Recording Arts & Science dinner in New York (1968) at which the
    Mothers were invited to play

    Did anybody dance?
    Said after performing the highly, shall we say, evolved "Black Page #2" on
    "Zappa In New York". (And as you probably already know,
    this was the song that alerted FZ to the existance of his stunt guitarist to
    be,Steve Vai, after recieving a sheet music transcription of the song,
    made by young master Vai.)

    ....and then they put them on their heads,they were having a
    good time,the girl was in the water,she didn't even see what
    was going on with her UNDERPANTS.But wearing the pants,it
    looked just like a tiny little PARTY HAT!
    Establishing the tradition of the JAZZ DISCHARGE PARTY HATS
    whilst in Alberquerque,New Mexico.(The Man From Utopia,1983)

    I'd like to know who's Plunkin' the monkeys?
    It was on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
    I can't remember the year maybe 10 years ago?
    They were talking about AIDS and how AIDS all got started, he had 3 theory's.
    First Frank said something about AIDS being a government test gone wrong
    Then maybe it was an Alien (ET) test or mistake and finally they talked
    about the theory of AIDS coming from a monkey and then
    Frank said " I'd like to know who's plunkin' the monkey's?"

    This is Frank Zappa suggesting you Un-Load yourself...
    Don't do Smack or Downers.
    Public service announcement on KMET rock radio in
    Southern California during the Early Mid-Seventies.

    You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you
    want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe
    filled with whipped cream.

    May your sh!t come to life and kiss you on the face.
    to Mrs. Gore about parental advisory labels on album covers

    Bad facts make bad laws
    Said during the PMRC hearings.

    Well, you know people, I'd rather have my own game show than enough votes
    to become president.

    The drummer's playing in 4/4, the Saxophone player is playing 5/4,
    the guitar player is picking his nose....

    A true Zen saying, nothing is what I want.
    From Roxy & Elsewhere, Dec 1973

    Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy
    Speaking at a ProChoice rally in Los Angeles around 1989-90.

    Anything can be music
    Answer to critics accusing him of not doing actual music on Uncle Meat

    Did everyone hear the great news today? Jimmy Swaggart; under investigation.
    One day every one of those cocksuckers will get caught.
    Hypocritical television evangelists; "Make A Jazz Noise Here" was the album.
    The live performance was either in Boston or Poughkeepsie.

    Seriousity is something to be laughed at.
    FZ responding to Ivo Niehe from Dutch television after being told that
    Europeans take Frank's music very serious.

    Get smart and i`ll fuck you over-Sayeth The Lord
    About the basics of Christianity and it`s perpetuation of ignorance as a
    way of life

    Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy
    asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join
    the master race. How's that for a religion?
    Concert at the Rockpile, Toronto, May 1969

    My music makes the mind think
    Time magazine Dec.20/93, page 73

    Yeah, I tell them to change the channel if they see
    some guy in a brown suit with a telephone number
    at the bottom of the screen asking for money.
    on being asked by Tipper Gore if there was anything
    on the TV he didn't allow his kids to watch ...

    Think I'll go out and get a little action.
    Pamela Zarubica described this as something Zappa would say
    when beginning an average day. This time her husband was
    visiting and FZ scared the crap out of him... he was
    compared to Dr. Zhivago. I read this little story
    in MOTHER! the Frank Zappa Story.

    This tree is ugly and it wants to DIE...
    graphic art work on the "Absolutely Free" cover

    Producing satire is kind of hopeless because of the literacy rate of
    the American public.
    A quote in response to criticism of "Jewish Princess" ("People" magazine,
    circa 1979)

    ...I think (Abbey Road is) the best engineered, best mastered rock
    and roll album ever produced...except that I take exception to stereo placement.
    From "Frank Zappa talks about Faves, Raves, and composers in their g
    raves" - some English publication, I think.
    (2 & 3 from the book, "The Lives and Times of Frank Zappa and the Mothers",
    some Brit thing again (got it at Blue Meanie Imports in San Diego fifteen
    years ago.)

    DENSE, PUTRID VAPORS from a SMOKE GUN (we rent it)
    From another Zappa graphic, this time a poster advertising a concert:
    "Therapeutic Abortion with the Mothers..."

    For some real personal satisfaction, try yelling out your own names.
    At a concert in Boston, Massachusetts to some fans (my friends) who kept
    yelling out Frank's name.

    I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?
    In response to Tipper Gore's allegations that music incites people towards
    deviant behavior, or influences their behavior in general.

    I didn't know such things existed, a guy walking in front
    of the stage with a fucking t-shirt to sell to somebody,
    well you live and learn... regular folks know this exquisite little inconvenience
    by the name of COMMERCIALISM
    from bootleg recording "Project/Object" intro Stinkfoot

    The manner in which Americans "consume" music has a lot to do with leaving
    it on their coffee tables, or using it as wallpaper for their lifestyles,
    like the score of a movie -- it's consumed that way without any regard for
    how and why it was made.
    From "The Real Frank Zappa Book" (ch. 11)

    Never stop and keep going
    Giving advice to young musicians. early 80's interview with
    pennsylvania state police officer whom is also a zappa fan.
    originally to be shown to local high school students of the
    area but frank ended up on the subject of politics and you
    can just imagine why the kids never seen this video.

    Well Mike, I'm abnormal.
    When FZ appeared on the Mike Douglas show (solo, playing guitar with
    recorded backup), Mike said "Your latest album is called Zoot Allures.
    How do you come up with such names for your records?" (or something equally
    banal!) Frank's succinct reply is printed above.

    So long as somebody gets a laugh out of it, what the fuck?
    From Guitar Player's "Mother of All Interviews" part 2, summing up...well ,

    All right kiddies, we'll play "wipe-out" for you in a moment.
    Frank's comment to the crowd at a 1968 concert in Dallas, Tx

    People who think of videos as an art form are probably
    the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a
    revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
    Zappa on videos (obviously) from Viva Zappa - Biography

    People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names',
    but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them,
    it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.
    From the Real Fran Zappa Book - Mr. Dad chapter

    The formal structure of "You Didn't Try to Call Me" is not
    revolutionary, but it is interesting. You don't care.
    Liner notes for "You Didn't Try to Call Me" on "Freak Out!"

    "Wowie Zowie" is what [Pamela Zarubica] says when she's not
    grouchy...who would guess it could inspire a song? No one
    would guess. None of you are perceptive enough. *Why are
    you reading this?*
    Liner notes for "You Didn't Try to Call Me" (yes, really) on "Freak Out!"

    Carl Orestes *freaky* down to his toe nails.
    Some day he will live next door to you and your lawn will die.
    Liner notes for "Hungry Freaks, Daddy" on "Freak Out!"

    Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to
    our mundane educational system. Forget about the Senior
    Prom and go to the library and *educate yourself* if you've
    got any guts. Some of you like *pep rallies* and plastic
    robots who tell you what to read. Forget I mentioned it.
    *This song has no message.* Rise for the flag salute.
    Liner notes for "Hungry Freaks, Daddy" on "Freak Out!"

    Of course you realize you won't be able to hear the organ
    once we turn the guitars on.
    Introduction to "Louie, Louie" on "Uncle Meat"

    My, you sure are slow here in Texas aren't you?
    During a 1968 Dallas, Tex. tour, Frank was conducting the Mothers by flipping
    the bird to the musician he wanted to perform. He turned to the audience and
    using both hands, he swept his fickle fingers wildly into the air. The crowd
    of several thousand at the convention center sat silent. "My you sure are
    slow here in Texas, aren't you?" he yelled and the punks went crazy!

    Meanwhile at the Fornebu duty free shop
    Phrase used between songs during the march 1988 concert in
    Skedsmohallen, near Oslo, Norway. Fornebu is the Oslo airport.

    You think our music- the Monkees music is banal and insipid?"
    Frank replying to Mike Nesmith on an episode of "The Monkees"
    on which Frank and Mike pretended to be each other for several
    minutes before the opening theme.

    If there is a hell, it waits for them, not us!

    There's no question in my mind -- the beer, the ballons and the bunting
    all start with "B" for some cosmic reason.
    Words that star with B and remind him of the Republican party. The Real
    Frank Zappa Book. Page 238

    Anyone who is disturbed by the idea of newts
    in a nightclub is potentially dangerous.
    I can't remember the exact details but it was during
    one of his trials. One of the prosecuting lawyers quoted
    some of his lyrics which pertained to newts in a nightclub
    and said he found this image disturbing. Frank responded
    with the above. I like it as a sentence.

    Ever try to have a conversation with someone on drugs? It just doesn't work...
    Sometime during the summer of 1987, when asked by a DC
    reporter, "what are your feelings on the war on drugs?" His
    first response was to criticize the inherent invasion of
    privacy, followed by the above statement against drug use.

    You wouldn't know a revolution if it bit you on the dick.
    In response to a young crowd member continually shouting
    "Revolution" between songs at a late 60's gig.
    The gig was at Middle Earth in Indianapolis, Indiana.

    Nobody looks good with brown lipstick on
    from The Real Frank Zappa Book,
    In other words, don't kiss ass.

    No one has forced Mrs. Baker or Mrs. Gore to bring Prince into their homes.
    PMRC Hearing 1985

    It began with lyrics, but even looking at the PMRC fund raising
    letter in the last paragraph, at the bottom of the page, it starts
    looking like it's branching into other areas when it says 'We realize
    that this material's pervaded other aspects of society' and it's like
    'What, you gonna fix it all for me?'

    Mr Zappa, I am astounded at the courtesy and soft voiced nature
    of the comments of my friend, the Senator from Tennessee. I can
    only say that I find your statement to be boorish, incredibly and
    insensitively insulting to the people who were here previously, that
    you could manage to give the First Amendment of the Constitution of
    the United States a bad name, if I felt you had the slightest
    understanding of it, which I do not.
    - Senator Slade Gorton

    You don't have the slightest understanding of the difference between
    government action and private action, and you have certainly destroyed
    any case you might otherwise have had with this Senator.
    Senator Gorton, to which Frank Zappa responds with
    "Is this private action?"

    I think you should leave it up to the parent, because not all
    parents want to keep their children totally ignorant.
    Frank Zappa in response to a question from Senator Hollings.

    Well, you and I would differ on what's ignorance and educated.
    Senator Ernest Hollings to Zappa

    Yes, Ladies and gentleman, even in this agricultural enviroment, We're gonna'
    play a love song
    This was about 1974 in Harrisburg Pa. at the Farm Show Arena, a week after
    the Farm show had left town... Frank never admitted to playing there, and I
    can't say as I blame him. But, I will never forget what a magical night that

    Tax the FUCK out of the churches!

    The concept of the rock-guitar solo in the eightees has
    pretty much been reduced to: Weedly-weedly-wee, make a face,
    hold your guitar like it's your weenie, point it heavenward,
    and look like you're really doing something. Then, you get
    a big ovation while the the smoke bombs go off, and the
    motorized lights in your truss twirl around!"
    The Real Frank Zappa Book.

    If there's ever an obscene noise to be made on an instrument,
    it's gonna come out of a guitar! On a sax you can play sleze,
    on a bass you can play balls.but on a guitar you can be
    truely obscene! Lets be realistic about this, the guitar can
    be the single most blastomphous device on the earth!
    the guitar makes a stink noise. thats why I like it!!

    The first hyphen in MAH-JUH-REEN could be used for erotic gratification
    by a very desparate stenographer.
    Sydney australia, 1974, second night. on Mystery box III

    I feel it's better to sing about these things ourselves and perform them
    with the people who it happened to than to have some jounralist one day say
    'then in 1971, one time when they were at the mudshark hotel...' But
    people have problems with things of a glandular nature in connection with
    things of a musical nature. They say why, music is way up here, and glands
    are way down there and they can't get 'em together, but then they are
    hypocritical because they take a band that doesn't sing about such things
    directly and couches their language a little and does it with a little
    choreography and say that that's great and that's real rock and roll. I
    maintain that there's no difference, we're just honest enough to get up and
    say 'this is this and that's that and here you are and respond to it' and
    the response is 'why... I'm hip, but of course I am offended'.
    from the Vitamin Deficiency bootleg.

    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

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