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  1. #131
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    "LuckyVike" wrote:
    You make up about 98% of the retarded posts on this site BBQ...
    What about Packer trolls? Are you trying to imply that I'm more retarded than a Packer troll? You make me sad. Now I cry. :cry:


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  2. #132
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Okay. I've got to warn you. This post is HUGE. I'm going to assume that nobody on this forum is on a high school speech team, and if you are, you shall burn in hell if you steal this. Anycrap, this is my epic. This is my Sgt. Pepper's, Quadrophenia, and invention of Cadbury eggs all rolled into one. I have decided to call it:

    Campfire Songs for the Calcium Deficient - Chapter 11: The Supreme Manifestation of All Things Awesome (featuring introduction by me).
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    One lazy Saturday afternoon, as I sat, eyes glazed, in front of my computer screen while my muscles atrophied, I was amazed when I started thinking, which is not a typical habit of mine. “BBQ,” me thinks at meself, “you’re a slightly-above-average guy. And slightly-above-average people don’t get nearly as much credit as they deserve. Sure, people praise the so-called ‘exceptional’ individuals, and some morons even think being average is great, but the slightly-above-average are always just under the radar, doing just enough to accomplish something positive but not enough to get noticed for it like superheroes do. You know what you should do, BBQ? You should create a slightly-above-averagehero. And since you hate cheesy radio programs, why don’t you write a poorly-written, hastily-thrown-together radio program about him, throw in about 6 minutes worth of ads and make that your speech composition.”
    Then, I answered myself, as I often do: “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”
    Ladies and gentlemen, Tuna-Safe Dolphin Bites and KRAP radio presents “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man!”
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Reporter: At this point, the death toll is unclear, but rumors of a janitorial strike stemming from a refusal to clean up the blood continue to persist.

    Radio guy: We interrupt this important news bulletin to bring you this regularly scheduled programming.

    Narrator: And now it’s time for another rather undistinguished chapter in the almost-thrilling saga of Lame Hairy Toad Man, brought to you by Silverfish Crackers! Silverfish Crackers – They’re cesspoolicious!

    (Generic big band commercial theme music)

    Narrator: One fateful Octembuary day in 1973, a slightly-above-average year by all accounts, somewhere deep in the wild, untamed concrete jungles of Bend, Oregon, a city of slightly-above-average size, a slightly-above-average man was born by the name of Lame Hairy Toad Man.

    (Dun dun daaaaaaaa!)

    Narrator: Yes, that was his real name. His parents despised him, so they gave him that name and abandoned him in a garbage can. But Lame Hairy Toad Man was a baby of slightly-above-average intelligence. He sustained himself by eating the precious, mushy, half-rotten contents of the trash receptacle until he was strong enough to tip the can over and crawl to his parents’ apartment building (after asking for directions). His parents were mildly annoyed, but too lazy to finish the job, so they decided to raise him out of spite. Just to show him who was boss, they did a poor job of it, filling his baby bottle with liquor and frequently leaving him unattended as they attended wild parties. But this really is of no consequence. Since he was a slightly-above-average man, he almost turned out alright…but not really. But at least he could take comfort in the fact that he was… (Drumroll)
    Faster than 55-60% of the population! More powerful than, um, well…me, for one, and…probably you, and, uh…maybe a wolverine, possibly two…and able to take great toad leaps of two-to-five miles, but only in a particular wind, on a Thursday during normal banking hours, during daylight savings time, after eating exactly two burritos and one and one-third cans of Heinz® Baked Beans (he tried Bush’s® Baked Beans once, but it didn’t work. Anycrap, we flash forward to the year 2006®.

    Disclaimer: The year 2006 is a registered trademark of the Daimler-Chrysler Corporation.

    Narrator: His father had died ten years earlier in a fairly amusing baking accident, and his mother, for some reason, blamed Lame Hairy Toad Man. This made the relationship between Lame Hairy Toad Man and his mother even more awkward (as if it weren’t strange enough already). Fortunately, though he was unemployed, Lame Hairy Toad Man did not live with his mother. He lived in a janitor’s closet located in the basement of a local bowling alley…

    Mother: (Pounding on door) Lemme in, y’bum!

    LHTM: Yes, mother.

    Narrator: …not far from his mother, who would walk two blocks to his house every day, bring him his groceries, and poke him with a cane for two hours. And speaking of canes, now seems like a good time for an awkward transition into a commercial break!

    Voice-over: Are you tired of smelling like roadkill?

    LHTM: No. Not really. I don’t mind.

    Voice-over: Shut up. This is a commercial break, you idiot. Go drink some coffee or something.

    LHTM: Oh. Sorry.

    Voice-over: (sighs) Do women scream and tear out their nostrils when you approach them? If so, then maybe you ought to try bathing! But if that doesn’t work, perhaps you should consider driving down to your nearest Wal-Mart Slave Wage Employment Supercenter and buying several dozen bottles of Eau de Eww, You Smell Like Grandma®. Seriously. I mean, like, right now. Eau de Eww, You Smell Like Grandma® - It’s the cologne that Lame Hairy Toad Man doesn’t wear!

    LHTM: Eh, I’ll get around to it.

    (Obvious knockoff of NBC theme)

    Radio guy: You’re listening to KRAP radio, AM 1372 and 32 73rds, providing fuzzy intermittent, low-quality AM radio programming for anyone dumb enough to listen for over a quarter of a decade. And now, a subliminal message from our sponsors. (Long pause). Thank you.

    Singer (Female): Oh, the soothing sound of KRAP
    Please don’t pronounce it phonetically

    (Soothing acoustic guitar muzak)

    VO #2: You know, if you lived near the Bend Megabuyawholelotofstuffshoppingmallplace, you could buy something right now! What’s that? You LIVE in the greater Bend area? Then HURRY UP!!! BUY SOMETHING!!! NOW, BEFORE YOU EXPLODE!!!

    Radio Guy: We now return to “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man,” featuring special guest star Tom Cruise.

    Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was being viciously prodded by his mother.

    LHTM: Oof! Ah! Ow! Stop it, Mother! (Starts moaning)

    Mother: Yeah, that’s right, keep moanin', y’pansy.

    Narrator: Two hours later, his mother finally tired of poking him, threw his laundry at him and told him to put some clothes on. Lame Hairy Toad Man happily obliged, clad as he was in nothing but his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed underpants. Now, he was fully clad in his Lame Hairy Toadsuit, which consisted of badly torn, soiled jeans and an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt with the arrow pointing up. Then, suddenly, a bizarre combination of quantum phenomena manifested itself inside the room, causing Lame Hairy Toad Man’s mother to suddenly transmogrify into a great cosmic potato.

    LHTM: What? Mother? What’s happening? Are you alright, mother?

    Potato: I am not your mother, you morbidly obese, slightly-above-average mortal! I am Phineas Q. Jones, Great Cosmic Potato of Infinite Wisdom and Celebrity Masseuse, and I have chosen you to fight to destroy the evil forces of MTV, and to –

    Narrator: At this point, Lame Hairy Toad Man got bored listening to the great cosmic potato, and decided he was hungry. He grabbed the potato, cut it into slices, and deep-fried those slices to make the Julienne Fries of Divine Power, which he devoured in seconds, then washed it down with a gallon of stolen holy water. He then decided he was still hungry, so he walked to his favorite vendor of food-like substnace, and was struck by lightning seven times along the way.

    LHTM: Eh, I’ll walk it off.

    Narrator: However, to his surprise, he walked into the McDonald’s to find that it had been overtaken by a disgruntled employee with a gun. The patrons, along with all of the gruntled employees, cowered on the floor in terror.

    Employee: Arrrrrrgh! I’ve been working for 76 hours straight without overtime pay! I can’t believe I pretended to be an illegal just so I could work here! Someone must die! Ronald McDonald is a vampire!

    Narrator: Unbeknownst to everyone else, he was actually carrying a water pistol that he spray-painted black.

    LHTM: Hey! That’s just a water pistol that you spray-painted black!

    Narrator: You’re not supposed to be able to hear me, you idiot. It maintains the illusion.

    LHTM: What illusion? Nobody can see us…can they?

    Cruise: Hi! I’m Tom Cruise! (Jumps up and down) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!! (Snarls and foams at the mouth, then Stops jumping) Bye.

    LHTM: Thanks, Tom Cruise! Let’s throw this guy in the fry-cooker!

    Narrator: We will continue this most grisly and disgusting scene after this word from our sponsors.

    VO #3: Chances are, you’ve probably seen one of our stores around your house, and if you haven’t, you’ll see us soon, bringing low prices and even lower wages to your neighborhood, because we can. For we are Wal-Mart. Resistance is pointless. Submit and live, or disobey and die.

    Singer (M): Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    KRAP!

    Narrator: We now return to “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man,” brought to you by Texas Instruments. Texas Instruments – Add, subtract, multiply, divide, yadda yadda yadda.


    Narrator: Anyway, last time around, Lame Hairy Toad Man just threw some crazy guy who thought that Ronald McDonald was a vampire into a fry cooking machine, making for an extremely salty, tasty corpse. Yum! Unfortunately, the crazy guy was right. Ronald McDonald really WAS a vampire. He tried to sneak up behind Lame Hairy Toad Man, but our hero’s slightly-above-average hearing detected him immediately.

    LHTM: Oh my God! It’s Count Chocula! Die!

    Ron McD: Ack! (Gasps in pain)

    Narrator: Stan, you idiot! This is a radio show! You didn’t need to actually stab him! Larry! Are you alright? Why did you even BRING that knife? Somebody call a doctor!

    Radio guy: Broadcast has been interrupted due to manslaughter-related technical difficulties. “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man” will continue when hell freezes over. And now, a word from our sponsors, in the form of 17 hours of Gregorian chant.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  3. #133
    DCPologirl is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    I think my eyes are glazing over :roll:

    DCPologirl:Maybe Randy will make Aaron Brooks look better......roflmao Del Rio: I guarantee he will

  4. #134
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    "DCPologirl" wrote:
    I think my eyes are glazing over roll
    Maybe you're turning into a zombie. :lol:


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  5. #135
    DCPologirl is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    "BBQ Platypus" wrote:
    "DCPologirl" wrote:
    I think my eyes are glazing over roll
    Maybe you're turning into a zombie. :lol:
    it is possible lol

    DCPologirl:Maybe Randy will make Aaron Brooks look better......roflmao Del Rio: I guarantee he will

  6. #136
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    "BBQ Platypus" wrote:
    Okay. I've got to warn you. This post is HUGE. I'm going to assume that nobody on this forum is on a high school speech team, and if you are, you shall burn in hell if you steal this. Anycrap, this is my epic. This is my Sgt. Pepper's, Quadrophenia, and invention of Cadbury eggs all rolled into one. I have decided to call it:

    Campfire Songs for the Calcium Deficient - Chapter 11: The Supreme Manifestation of All Things Awesome (featuring introduction by me).
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    One lazy Saturday afternoon, as I sat, eyes glazed, in front of my computer screen while my muscles atrophied, I was amazed when I started thinking, which is not a typical habit of mine. “BBQ,” me thinks at meself, “you’re a slightly-above-average guy. And slightly-above-average people don’t get nearly as much credit as they deserve. Sure, people praise the so-called ‘exceptional’ individuals, and some morons even think being average is great, but the slightly-above-average are always just under the radar, doing just enough to accomplish something positive but not enough to get noticed for it like superheroes do. You know what you should do, BBQ? You should create a slightly-above-averagehero. And since you hate cheesy radio programs, why don’t you write a poorly-written, hastily-thrown-together radio program about him, throw in about 6 minutes worth of ads and make that your speech composition.”
    Then, I answered myself, as I often do: “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”
    Ladies and gentlemen, Tuna-Safe Dolphin Bites and KRAP radio presents “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man!”
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Reporter: At this point, the death toll is unclear, but rumors of a janitorial strike stemming from a refusal to clean up the blood continue to persist.

    Radio guy: We interrupt this important news bulletin to bring you this regularly scheduled programming.

    Narrator: And now it’s time for another rather undistinguished chapter in the almost-thrilling saga of Lame Hairy Toad Man, brought to you by Silverfish Crackers! Silverfish Crackers – They’re cesspoolicious!

    (Generic big band commercial theme music)

    Narrator: One fateful Octembuary day in 1973, a slightly-above-average year by all accounts, somewhere deep in the wild, untamed concrete jungles of Bend, Oregon, a city of slightly-above-average size, a slightly-above-average man was born by the name of Lame Hairy Toad Man.

    (Dun dun daaaaaaaa!)

    Narrator: Yes, that was his real name. His parents despised him, so they gave him that name and abandoned him in a garbage can. But Lame Hairy Toad Man was a baby of slightly-above-average intelligence. He sustained himself by eating the precious, mushy, half-rotten contents of the trash receptacle until he was strong enough to tip the can over and crawl to his parents’ apartment building (after asking for directions). His parents were mildly annoyed, but too lazy to finish the job, so they decided to raise him out of spite. Just to show him who was boss, they did a poor job of it, filling his baby bottle with liquor and frequently leaving him unattended as they attended wild parties. But this really is of no consequence. Since he was a slightly-above-average man, he almost turned out alright…but not really. But at least he could take comfort in the fact that he was… (Drumroll)
    Faster than 55-60% of the population! More powerful than, um, well…me, for one, and…probably you, and, uh…maybe a wolverine, possibly two…and able to take great toad leaps of two-to-five miles, but only in a particular wind, on a Thursday during normal banking hours, during daylight savings time, after eating exactly two burritos and one and one-third cans of Heinz® Baked Beans (he tried Bush’s® Baked Beans once, but it didn’t work. Anycrap, we flash forward to the year 2006®.

    Disclaimer: The year 2006 is a registered trademark of the Daimler-Chrysler Corporation.

    Narrator: His father had died ten years earlier in a fairly amusing baking accident, and his mother, for some reason, blamed Lame Hairy Toad Man. This made the relationship between Lame Hairy Toad Man and his mother even more awkward (as if it weren’t strange enough already). Fortunately, though he was unemployed, Lame Hairy Toad Man did not live with his mother. He lived in a janitor’s closet located in the basement of a local bowling alley…

    Mother: (Pounding on door) Lemme in, y’bum!

    LHTM: Yes, mother.

    Narrator: …not far from his mother, who would walk two blocks to his house every day, bring him his groceries, and poke him with a cane for two hours. And speaking of canes, now seems like a good time for an awkward transition into a commercial break!

    Voice-over: Are you tired of smelling like roadkill?

    LHTM: No. Not really. I don’t mind.

    Voice-over: Shut up. This is a commercial break, you idiot. Go drink some coffee or something.

    LHTM: Oh. Sorry.

    Voice-over: (sighs) Do women scream and tear out their nostrils when you approach them? If so, then maybe you ought to try bathing! But if that doesn’t work, perhaps you should consider driving down to your nearest Wal-Mart Slave Wage Employment Supercenter and buying several dozen bottles of Eau de Eww, You Smell Like Grandma®. Seriously. I mean, like, right now. Eau de Eww, You Smell Like Grandma® - It’s the cologne that Lame Hairy Toad Man doesn’t wear!

    LHTM: Eh, I’ll get around to it.

    (Obvious knockoff of NBC theme)

    Radio guy: You’re listening to KRAP radio, AM 1372 and 32 73rds, providing fuzzy intermittent, low-quality AM radio programming for anyone dumb enough to listen for over a quarter of a decade. And now, a subliminal message from our sponsors. (Long pause). Thank you.

    Singer (Female): Oh, the soothing sound of KRAP
    Please don’t pronounce it phonetically

    (Soothing acoustic guitar muzak)

    VO #2: You know, if you lived near the Bend Megabuyawholelotofstuffshoppingmallplace, you could buy something right now! What’s that? You LIVE in the greater Bend area? Then HURRY UP!!! BUY SOMETHING!!! NOW, BEFORE YOU EXPLODE!!!

    Radio Guy: We now return to “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man,” featuring special guest star Tom Cruise.

    Narrator: When we last left our hero, he was being viciously prodded by his mother.

    LHTM: Oof! Ah! Ow! Stop it, Mother! (Starts moaning)

    Mother: Yeah, that’s right, keep moanin', y’pansy.

    Narrator: Two hours later, his mother finally tired of poking him, threw his laundry at him and told him to put some clothes on. Lame Hairy Toad Man happily obliged, clad as he was in nothing but his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed underpants. Now, he was fully clad in his Lame Hairy Toadsuit, which consisted of badly torn, soiled jeans and an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt with the arrow pointing up. Then, suddenly, a bizarre combination of quantum phenomena manifested itself inside the room, causing Lame Hairy Toad Man’s mother to suddenly transmogrify into a great cosmic potato.

    LHTM: What? Mother? What’s happening? Are you alright, mother?

    Potato: I am not your mother, you morbidly obese, slightly-above-average mortal! I am Phineas Q. Jones, Great Cosmic Potato of Infinite Wisdom and Celebrity Masseuse, and I have chosen you to fight to destroy the evil forces of MTV, and to –

    Narrator: At this point, Lame Hairy Toad Man got bored listening to the great cosmic potato, and decided he was hungry. He grabbed the potato, cut it into slices, and deep-fried those slices to make the Julienne Fries of Divine Power, which he devoured in seconds, then washed it down with a gallon of stolen holy water. He then decided he was still hungry, so he walked to his favorite vendor of food-like substnace, and was struck by lightning seven times along the way.

    LHTM: Eh, I’ll walk it off.

    Narrator: However, to his surprise, he walked into the McDonald’s to find that it had been overtaken by a disgruntled employee with a gun. The patrons, along with all of the gruntled employees, cowered on the floor in terror.

    Employee: Arrrrrrgh! I’ve been working for 76 hours straight without overtime pay! I can’t believe I pretended to be an illegal just so I could work here! Someone must die! Ronald McDonald is a vampire!

    Narrator: Unbeknownst to everyone else, he was actually carrying a water pistol that he spray-painted black.

    LHTM: Hey! That’s just a water pistol that you spray-painted black!

    Narrator: You’re not supposed to be able to hear me, you idiot. It maintains the illusion.

    LHTM: What illusion? Nobody can see us…can they?

    Cruise: Hi! I’m Tom Cruise! (Jumps up and down) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!! (Snarls and foams at the mouth, then Stops jumping) Bye.

    LHTM: Thanks, Tom Cruise! Let’s throw this guy in the fry-cooker!

    Narrator: We will continue this most grisly and disgusting scene after this word from our sponsors.

    VO #3: Chances are, you’ve probably seen one of our stores around your house, and if you haven’t, you’ll see us soon, bringing low prices and even lower wages to your neighborhood, because we can. For we are Wal-Mart. Resistance is pointless. Submit and live, or disobey and die.

    Singer (M): Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    Talk, talk, talk, boring!
    KRAP!

    Narrator: We now return to “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man,” brought to you by Texas Instruments. Texas Instruments – Add, subtract, multiply, divide, yadda yadda yadda.


    Narrator: Anyway, last time around, Lame Hairy Toad Man just threw some crazy guy who thought that Ronald McDonald was a vampire into a fry cooking machine, making for an extremely salty, tasty corpse. Yum! Unfortunately, the crazy guy was right. Ronald McDonald really WAS a vampire. He tried to sneak up behind Lame Hairy Toad Man, but our hero’s slightly-above-average hearing detected him immediately.

    LHTM: Oh my God! It’s Count Chocula! Die!

    Ron McD: Ack! (Gasps in pain)

    Narrator: Stan, you idiot! This is a radio show! You didn’t need to actually stab him! Larry! Are you alright? Why did you even BRING that knife? Somebody call a doctor!

    Radio guy: Broadcast has been interrupted due to manslaughter-related technical difficulties. “The Exceedingly Stupid Adventures of Lame Hairy Toad Man” will continue when hell freezes over. And now, a word from our sponsors, in the form of 17 hours of Gregorian chant.
    Bogus! Everyone knows hot oil will not kill a vampire! :razz:

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  7. #137
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    He didn't use hot oil to kill the vampire. He stabbed the vampire. He threw the McDonald's worker in the fry-cooker. Besides, he wasn't a REAL vampire. He was a voice actor who was playing Ronald McDonald, who is a vampire.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  8. #138
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Hello? Anyone? Does anyone care besides me?

    (Crickets chirping)

    Fine. You may laugh at my artistic visions, but when I take over the world, those who doubted me shall be the FIRST TO DIE! BWAH-HAH-HAH!!! :twisted:


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

  9. #139
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    Never doubted you for a minute BBQ! (squashes cricket)

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  10. #140
    BBQ Platypus's Avatar
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    Re: Tales from the Crapt (and other random BBQ rants)

    I'm going to edit it a bit later, but I'm too lazy to edit it on here anytime soon.


    "This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff."

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