BBQ Ate Too Many Pixie Sticks for Breakfast This Morning...

"BadlandsViking" wrote:

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Dear BBQ,

What are your thoughts on Michael Vick?

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Ah, finally - a chance to weigh in on an important, relevant topic.

"Michael Vick" is a nice name for an NFL quarterback and convicted felon to have.
Heck, it's a good name for ANY athlete.
It's easy to pronounce and remember, and rolls off the tongue pretty nicely.
It's not too common, like "Alex Smith," but it's not too rare, like "Marques Tuiasosopo" or too dumb, generic, and obviously made up like "Johnny Utah."


"vikeswin2005" wrote:

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BBQ- why are Minnesotans such fair weather fans---please don't hold back

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I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure it's a deliberate measure taken to counteract the sh*tty weather during football season.


"singersp" wrote:

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Dear BBQ,

If you could be any flavor other than BBQ, what would it be?

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Easy - raspberry lemonade.
I'm pretty sure that "Raspberry Lemonade Platypus" is technically impossible, but I'm going with it anyway because I'm curious as to how it would taste if it were.

"mr.woo" wrote:

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dear bbq,

why do you insist on leaving for long periods of time only to come back so we get our hopes up? are you really that evil?

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Geez - relax, guys, I can't be on this site all day!
I'm a busy man.
I have penguins to train, politicians to bribe, and porn sites to visit!

By the way, don't tell the CIA about my long absences.
We don't want to arouse any completely justified suspicion, do we?

dear BBQ,

what should i do if my ex girlfriend rips up my pair of viking tickets the day i was going to catch a plane..

Dear Mr. BBQ:

Why are you only 95.67% and not pure, 100% insane?

I can't be sure, but I think BBQ's watching too many Patrick Swayze movies for breakfast.
;)


http://static.flickr.com/32/36985289_5fb81745d3_o.jpg

dear bbq,

in a fight, who would win: david hasselhoff or matt hasselbeck?

"SharperImage" wrote:

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dear BBQ,

what should i do if my ex girlfriend rips up my pair of viking tickets the day i was going to catch a plane..

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Hmm...I've put a lot of thought into this, SI, and I'm pretty sure I've found the perfect solution to your problem: joining the Church of Scientology and have her declared a "Suppressive Person."
This will make her fair game to be sued and harassed into oblivion!
All this and much, much more for the paltry sum of half your life's savings plus your friends, personality, and sanity!

If that doesn't work for you, well...have you ever seen the movie Death Wish?


"shockzilla" wrote:

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Dear Mr. BBQ:

Why are you only 95.67% and not pure, 100% insane?

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Two words: extensive medication.


"The Dropper" wrote:

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I can't be sure, but I think BBQ's watching too many Patrick Swayze movies for breakfast.

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Wrong.
There's no such thing as too much Swayze.
Patrick Swayze should be in every movie.
How dare you question the man who gave us Road House, the best movie ever made?

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION - ROAD HOUSE
[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Z0CngDuHcc[/youtube]
(I think it's a shame and a travesty that this movie didn't win any Oscars).

In conclusion, don't question the Swayzemonster.


"gregair13" wrote:

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dear bbq,

in a fight, who would win: david hasselhoff or matt hasselbeck?

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I'd say Hasselhoff because Hasselbeck would be scared to touch him.
Hell, I know I would be.
I don't want to get Hoff all over me - it's a well-known fact that the Hoff is not actually a person.
The Hoff is a demonic, irresistably infectious entity that causes Hasselhoffitude in its host and devours their essence in the process.
Once contracted, it is incurable.
It's kinda like a miniature Cthulhu.

Sure, if I touched the Hoff, I'd probably be a lot more successful with women, I'd get cameos in pretty much every movie ever made, and would be worshipped as a god in Germany, but I'd lose my very soul in the process.

Dear BBQ,

Are Bert and Ernie related or "special friends"?

why does steven segal make som many dumb movies?

"BadlandsViking" wrote:

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Dear BBQ,

Are Bert and Ernie related or "special friends"?

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Honestly, I'd rather not try and find out.
I mean, what if we found out the answer was "both?"
Just imagine the intense psychological trauma for the poor guy who had to collect the evidence to prove it.

No, thank you.
I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt and just believe the official story: that they actually hate each other, but don't want to give up the apartment because it's rent-controlled.


"mr.woo" wrote:

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why does steven segal make so many dumb movies?

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Because it's his nature to make other people suffer.
He's a lot like Satan in that regard.

A related but more philosophically challenging question would be: "Why is Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt?"
Why would a loving God, or even a physical universe that didn't somehow have it in for us, allow things like Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt to happen?
(I tasted it once on a dare six months ago - it haunts my dreams to this day).

Dear BBQ,

Did Horton really hear a Who, and what is a Who?