All 5.5 Million Madden Consumers Dead in Worst Madden Jinx Ever
[size=12pt]All 5.5 Million Madden Consumers Dead in Worst Madden Jinx Ever[/size]
[size=1pt]Disclaimer: the IQ scale doesn't go low enough to encompass your intelligence if you believed this.[/size]
In what many are calling the worst Ã¢â‚¬Å“Madden JinxÃ¢â‚¬Â yet, all 5.5 million people who purchased this yearÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s edition of the game have reportedly died.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is a horrible, horrible tragedy,Ã¢â‚¬Â said President Bush. Ã¢â‚¬Å“The worst tragedy in American history. If only we had known the true strength of the Madden curse, perhaps this could have been prevented.Ã¢â‚¬Â
The supposed jinx Ã¢â‚¬â€œ which in the past has delivered various levels of doom to cover subjects such as Marshall Faulk, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander Ã¢â‚¬â€œ was thought to have been contained this year in Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young, the Madden 08 cover subject who is having a terrible year on the field.
But, clearly, Young is not a victim of the Ã¢â‚¬â„¢08 curse Ã¢â‚¬â€œ because he is still alive.
Hospitals across the country began reporting high numbers of unexplained fatalities at the beginning of this weekend Ã¢â‚¬â€œ many among seemingly healthy young men aged 16-35. By Sunday evening, with the death toll skyrocketing into the millions, a working theory was developed: the Madden curse had turned on its consumers. And by late last night it was confirmed: all 5.5 million who died owned copies of Madden 08.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“It seems the focus of the jinx moved from the player pictured on the game to the little E at the bottom left of the front cover Ã¢â‚¬â€œ a little E that stands for Everyone,Ã¢â‚¬Â said President Bush. Ã¢â‚¬Å“A game rating that was intended to be welcoming to all instead welcome 5.5 million of our citizens into eternal rest.Ã¢â‚¬Â
The five-plus million who died this weekend were stricken with severe strokes or brain aneurysms during the brightly colored, flashy intro into the game.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“All those flashing lights and photos, while exciting, when paired with the power of the Madden curse were too powerful for their brains to process and they essentially exploded,Ã¢â‚¬Â said Robert Monsanta, Cook County (Illinois) chief coronoer.
Shawn Scott, the lead programmer of Madden Football at EA Sports, says that while tragic, the 5.5 million deaths give his job a new focus.
Ã¢â‚¬Å“We strive to improve the game every year, but sometimes thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hard, to be honest,Ã¢â‚¬Â said Scott. Ã¢â‚¬Å“But now for next year weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll make it our goal: donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t kill everyone. So I think itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all up for us from here. And IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m excited about the high percentage of first-time buyers weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll have for Madden 09.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain