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  1. #1
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    Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin
    [size=1pt]Disclaimer: if you are too stupid to verify the source don't come whining to me about it.
    I would rather shit on your desk than listen to your persistent whining.[/size]

    The Notre Dame priest assigned to the Fighting Irish football team warned highly-touted freshman quarterback Jimmy Clausen today the practice of douchebaggery is a mortal sin and that continued immersion in the douchey arts could put his eternal soul at risk.

    “Douchebaggery is one of the greatest threats to the modern soul,” said Rev. Thomas Malloy. “It creeps up on you before eventually taking control of your entire person. It may start simply enough with a tip frosting. Then a popped collar. Then a purchase of a Maroon 5 album. But before you know it, you will be completed controlled by douchiness, and it will exude from your pores, as we see with Mr. Clausen. And by then, it’s too late. As the Pope recently said in his Papal Dictum On Douchebaggery: ‘Once a douche, always a douche.’”

    Clausen says that while Rev. Malloy convinced him that douchebaggery is a sin against God, he feels he is not a douchebag.

    “I just don’t see how I’m a douchebag,” he said. “I’m totally cool is what I am, not a douchebag. I mean, have you seen my hair? Look how freaking awesome I look. I think what it is, to be honest, is jealousy. The pope is pissed he can’t wear his hear like this because of his pope hat, so he’s trying to say super cool people like me are douchebags.”

    Despite Clausen’s denial, Rev. Malloy says the young quarterback most definitely is a douchebag and that denial of self-douchiness is textbook douche behavior.

    “As Jesus said: ‘He is with douchiness, knows not that he is so,’” said Rev. Malloy. “Or at least I think He did. I’m currently working on a new translation of the Holy Scriptures thanks to recently discovering an ancient Aramaic word that means ‘one that is like the capturing element of feminine hygiene product.’ Anyway, it’s typical douchebag behavior to deny douchery, and even to point it out in others, all the while not knowing you are the epitome of a douche.”

    And while Rev. Malloy says that each individual douchebag act – such as a popped collar or frosted tip – is not a sin, combined they form an offense to God. But while Malloy and Catholic Church is officially against douchebaggery, many within the Notre Dame community are okay with it – and even welcome it. Including head coach Charlie Weis.

    “Hey, I’m from New Jersey, so I know a douchebag when I see one,” said Weis. “And Jimmy? Total douchebag. But douchery can help on the athletic field. Excessive self-confidence, a douche trademark, is helpful in overcoming adversity on the field. We saw it with Brady Quinn, an uber douche, and we will see it for the next four years with Jimmy. It’s annoying, but it wins ballgames. I’ll take any amount of smelly hair gel and awful music if it wins me games.”

    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  2. #2
    COJOMAY is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    ;D
    ;D
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    Kentucky Vikes Fan

    When you require nothing, you get nothing; when you expect nothing, you will find nothing; when you embrace nothing, all you will have is nothing.

  3. #3
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    Do the the Irish football team eat pickles before they play?

  4. #4
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    ha ha ha notre dame blows. but their still better than michigan
    woo out
    just two corn cobs shy of a bushel

  5. #5
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    I haven't seen/heard anything about Clausen... Is he really a douchebag?
    Brady kind of is IMO, so just curious if the new guy is too, or if the pickle is just completely pulling this out of their ass.

  6. #6
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    "BloodyHorns82" wrote:
    I haven't seen/heard anything about Clausen... Is he really a douchebag?
    Brady kind of is IMO, so just curious if the new guy is too, or if the pickle is just completely pulling this out of their ass.
    The pickle is about truth.
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  7. #7
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    "Prophet" wrote:
    "BloodyHorns82" wrote:
    I haven't seen/heard anything about Clausen... Is he really a douchebag?
    Brady kind of is IMO, so just curious if the new guy is too, or if the pickle is just completely pulling this out of their ass.
    The pickle is about truth.
    I now feel a sense of enlightenment falling upon me.
    Thank you ol' wise one.

  8. #8
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    [size=12pt]Charlie Weis Sues Bacon Double Cheeseburgers For Being So Delicious[/size]



    With his malpractice lawsuit against two surgeons who did a gastric bypass surgery on him thrown out by a Boston jury this week, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis has turned his legal team on the culprits he deems truly are to blame for his sorry physical state: delicious bacon double cheeseburgers.

    “I am disappointed with the jury’s findings in the malpractice case, but it’s time I take my grievances where they belong, and that’s to the scrumptious bacon double cheeseburgers that greasily tempt me every hour of every day,” said Weis. “They are completely irresponsible in their deliciousness. I don’t see how any man can hope to resist their call.”

    Weis said he chose to sue bacon double cheeseburgers themselves because he can not decide on one specific bacon double cheeseburger maker to target.

    “They all make bacon double cheeseburgers in their own specially delicious way,” said Weis through a mouthful of bacon double cheeseburger. “Wendy’s throws jalapeno peppers on it. Denny’s piles on the cheese. TGI Friday’s puts on onion strips. No one is more delicious than the other. They are all equally delicious. I truly believe that it is impossible to make an un-tasty bacon double cheeseburger. In fact, I welcome someone to try. I will eat all of your attempts to see if you’ve made one. Please contact me about this at your earliest convenience.”

    Weis also says he is not aiming his lawsuit at a specific eatery because he does not want to get on any restaurant’s bad side.

    “Let’s say I only sued Wendy’s,” said Weis. “Well, then what would I do if they refused to let me in their stores? I would be devastated. I eat their bacon double cheeseburger on Monday’s for dinner, Tuesday’s for lunch, Wednesday’s for late breakfast and dinner, Thursday for lunch, Friday for lunch, Saturday for dinner and Sunday for dinner and smunch, which is an additional daily meal I invented.”

    William Munson, Weis’ lead attorney, says he is excited to take the case to bacon double cheeseburgers.

    “This is new legal ground,” said Munson. “No one has ever filed suit against a sandwich before? Do we have a chance to win? I don’t know. Bacon double cheeseburgers sure are delicious. I guess it will depend on the jury. If we can fill it with people sympathetic to Charlie – you know, fat pigs who have no self-control and would rather blame other people than put down the ice cream and maybe get some exercise a few times a week – we might have a chance.”
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  9. #9
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    Re: Notre Dame Priest Informs Jimmy Clausen That Douchebaggery Is a Sin

    So much hating on Notre Dame, seems like we have a jealousy problem here.

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

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