lmao, greatest site ever(excluding PPO of course).
Keep em comin.
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lmao, greatest site ever(excluding PPO of course).
Keep em comin.
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(519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
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(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
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(973): who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And my favorite for today:Quote:
(619): thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
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(760): There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
"BloodyHorns82" wrote:
Man, we've all had those nights... ;DQuote:
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(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
"NodakPaul" wrote:
I found my keys and a garage door opener (which was shattered to pieces) in my bathtub one morning. My roommate said I just kept throwing my keys all over the apartment.Quote:
"BloodyHorns82" wrote:
Man, we've all had those nights... ;DQuote:
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(213): I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Weird thing is, I don't have a garage. Haven't for about 5 years. No idea where it came from.
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(858): i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
(720): yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...
(843): I think im pregnant
(803): I think you have the wrong number
(410): it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
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(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
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(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.
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(508): I'm so horny!
(781): I'm so hungry
(508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
(781): For your pussy...
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(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...
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(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
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(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
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(216): let's bang
(773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
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(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Similar site...similar messages.
[size=13pt]My Drunk Texts[/size]
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(309): What are you up to? I miss you so much... The batteries died in my dildo.
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(773): Katie just gave me head on top of the ferris wheel and spit out my load 30 ft onto the ground! (rec'vd): Make that 24 ft because it landed on my head. Youre dead. No joke.
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(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I think I'm in love!
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(336): im more baked than the gingerbread man, im hittin these joints like $4 prostitutes
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(850): i told her to eat a cock meat sandwich next thing i knew she was rubbing mayonnaise on my dick.. 100 pts for me!!
From My Drunk Texts:
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(562): ok, before you get here. this girl thinks im someone she knows named jen and she's giving me free tequila so DONT F*** IT UP.
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(626): im hotter than 2 moles fucking in a wool sock.
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(337): i want to text you about midgets because everyone seems to be obsessed with them when they're drunk.
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(269): I threw up all over him and he still asked me for my number. Can you say biggest confidence boost ever?
MDT:
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(817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
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(336): how the f*ck do you spell takeela?
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(518): I woke up in my Bed with my Chinchillas and my pubes were shaved.
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(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
TFLN:
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(619): i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
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(815): i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
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(908): I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
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(908): i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
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(801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
(1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
(801): alright see you in the morning.
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(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.