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  1. #981
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    The Quickie

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.


    A few moments passed ...
    "An ambulance just went by"


    A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

    "Matt's riding a new bike....."

    A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
    "Jason is on his skate board...."


    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

    Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!
    Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #982
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Cajuns in Heaven

    Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the pearly gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Hamhock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."


    The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."


    The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"


    God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there
    with the Cajuns you have there."


    The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
    God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"


    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit crawfish and shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  3. #983
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Prophet" wrote:
    Cajuns in Heaven

    Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the pearly gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Hamhock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."


    The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."


    The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"


    God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there
    with the Cajuns you have there."


    The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
    God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"


    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit crawfish and shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"
    And that's why Cajuns are GENIUSES!!!
    ;D
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #984
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Which condom would you use....

    Nike Condoms: Just do it.

    Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

    Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

    Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

    Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

    Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

    Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

    Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

    Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

    Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

    New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

    California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

    Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

    KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

    Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

    Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

    Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

    The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

    General Electric: We bring good things to life!

    AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

    Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

    Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

    Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

    M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

    Chevron: use them? people do.

    Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

    MCI: for friends and family

    Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

    The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

    Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

    United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

    The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

    Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

    Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

    Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

    Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

    McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

    Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

    Burger King: Have it your way

    Dairy Queen: We treat you right

    AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

  5. #985
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Now I know why Cajun posts so much! So he doesn't have to use these....

    Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk

    10 ) 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'

    9 ) 'This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.'

    8 ) 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!'

    7 ) 'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.'

    6 ) 'I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.'

    5 ) 'I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?'

    4 ) 'Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'

    3 ) 'The coffee machine is broken...'

    2 ) 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...'

    1 ) '.....in Jesus' name, Amen.'
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #986
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    Ancient Chinese Torture


    A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

    "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

    "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

    Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #987
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    Ole and Lena are getting a bit older and seldom drive their car anywhere.

    One day they decide to go to the grocery store for the fun of it.

    Lena who can still turn the wheel takes the drivers side and Ole rides
    shotgun. Ole begins to get concerned when Lena goes through three red lights in a
    row.

    Ole finally says, "Lena, maybe you should slow down or let me drive since you
    just went through three red lights."

    Lena says, "Am I driving?"


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #988
    RK.'s Avatar
    RK.
    RK. is offline Ring of Fame Rally Cross II Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

    President Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

    The best way to stop Using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal
    immigrants! That would be 11 million
    less people using our gas. The price
    of gas would come down.

    Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
    illegal
    immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
    ammo and
    ship him to Iraq
    Tell him if he wants to come to America then he
    must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there
    and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen
    since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and
    be a legal patriot.

    This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution
    for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
    themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the
    canteen, rifle or ammo.

    Problem solved.

    WWBGD

  9. #989
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    You know you're really trailer trash when...

    The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

    You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

    You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

    Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

    You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

    You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

    Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

    Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

    You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

    The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

    Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

    You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

  10. #990
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    You know you're from the Twin Cities if...

    You measure distance in minutes.

    Weather is 80% of your conversation.

    Snow tires came standard on your car.

    You have no concept of public transportation.

    75% of your graduating class went to the University of Minnesota.

    You know more than one person who has hit a deer.

    You know what and where Dinkytown is.

    Perkins was a popular hangout in high school.

    You have no problem saying or spelling Minneapolis.

    You can list all the Dales.

    You hate Fargo (the movie) but realize that a lot of your family talks that way.

    You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

    Your school classes have been cancelled because of snow or cold.

    You assume when you say "The Cities" people know what you are talking about.

    You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

    You've licked frozen metal.

    The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks, to buy beer on Sundays or you got bad directions.

    You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees.

    You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

    You remember WLOL and WDGY.

    When you talk about the opener you are not talking about cans.

    You have gone trick or treating in 3 feet of snow.

    You carry jumper cables in your car.

    drink pop, not soda.

    Everyone you know has a cabin.

    You voted for a pro wrestler for Governor...and he won.

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