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  1. #921
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ten Commandments--Ole Style from Minnesota

    1. Der's only one God, ya know.

    2. Don't make that fish on yur mantle an idol.

    3. Cussing ain't Minnesota nice.

    4. Go to church even when yur up nort.

    5. Honor yur folks.

    6. Don't kill. Catch and release.

    7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.

    8. If it ain't yur lutefisk, don't take it.

    9. Don't be tell'n stories bout how much snow ya shoveled.

    10. Keep yur mind off your neighbor's hotdish.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #922
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The skier's dictionary

    Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

    Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

    Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

    Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

    Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

    Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

    Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

    Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

    Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

    Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

    Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.

    Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

    Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

    Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

    Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

    Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

    Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

    Tree: The other method.

  3. #923
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [img width=400 height=296]http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g245/dodgetek/image013.jpg[/img]
    [size=1pt]floop the minimum word count.[/size]

    ===========================

    How To Shower: Men Vs Women
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  4. #924
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole was boasting to Lena about the food that he ate when he went to Minneapolis.
    "Oh, they gave us this vonderful stuff!" he said.
    "It was all a-kviver."

    "Oh," said Lena, "Vas it Yello?"

    "No, it vas red," said Ole.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #925
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An oldie, but timely,

    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."


    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"


    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".


    The man shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #926
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
    will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach The bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

    I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #927
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    3
    M I N U T E
    M A N A G E M E N T
    C O U R S E


    LESSON
    1

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


    LESSON
    2

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.
    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
    The priest nearly had an accident.
    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
    The priest removed his hand.
    But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
    The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
    It
    said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral Of The Story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


    LESSON 3
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
    "Me first! Me first!", says the admin clerk.
    "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

    Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
    "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
    Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

    Puff! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral Of The Story: Always let your boss have the first say.


    LESSON
    4

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral Of The Story:To be sitting & doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


    LESSON
    5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.
    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
    "They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral Of The Story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!


    LESSON
    6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
    The dung was actually thawing him out!
    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
    promptly dug him out and ate him.


    MORAL OF THE STORY:


    1.



    Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy
    2.



    Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
    3.



    And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    This ends the 3-minute management course.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #928
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

    2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

    3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

    4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

    5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

    6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

    7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

    8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.

    9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .

    10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
    Wow......what more can one say???

    11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

    12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

    13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.

    14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

    15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

    16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

    17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

    18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

    19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.

    20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.


  9. #929
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    "What majestic trees"!

    "What powerful rivers"!

    "What beautiful animals"!

    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

    He ran as f ast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing In on him.

    He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

    Time Stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

    "Very Well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."


    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  10. #930
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

    Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the
    White House, he
    was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

    The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says:
    "Nice pigs,
    Sir."

    The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas
    Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
    Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

    The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and
    says,

    "Excellent trade,
    Sir."

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

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