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  1. #911
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Good Old Harold...




    Harold is 95 years old and lives in a senior citizen center. Every night
    after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
    ponder his accomplishments and long life.



    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
    chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short
    lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know
    what I miss most of all?"



    She asks, "What?"


    "Sex!" he replies.



    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot, you couldn't get it up if I held a
    gun to your head!"



    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
    it for a while."



    "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
    manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
    each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
    hold Harold's manhood.



    Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
    Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
    walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
    pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
    manhood.


    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
    that I don't have?"



    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #912
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole is driving home after downing a few at the local tavern. He turns a
    corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
    He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
    another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that
    his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from
    side to side to avoid all the trees.

    Moments later Ole hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car
    to a stop. The officer approaches Ole's car and asks him what da heck he
    was doing. Ole tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer
    stops him mid sentence and says, "Yumpin yiminy, Ole, dat's dat air
    freshener ya got hanging from your mirror dere!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #913
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Good Old Harold...




    Harold is 95 years old and lives in a senior citizen center. Every night
    after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and
    ponder his accomplishments and long life.




    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
    chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short
    lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know
    what I miss most of all?"




    She asks, "What?"



    "Sex!" he replies.




    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot, you couldn't get it up if I held a
    gun to your head!"




    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
    it for a while."




    "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
    manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
    each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
    hold Harold's manhood.




    Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
    Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
    walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
    pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
    manhood.



    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
    that I don't have?"




    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
    is that Cajun in the old folks home?

  4. #914
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Number One Idiot of 2006
    A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

    Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

    Number Two Idiot of 2006
    Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
    They are no longer employed at Boeing.

    Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
    Number Three Idiot of 2006
    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

    Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
    Number Four Idiot of 2006
    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    Number Five Idiot of 2006
    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

    This guy definitely needs a sign.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

    Idiot Number Six of 2006
    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

    The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

    This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
    Idiot Number Seven of 2006
    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign
    (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

    STAY ALERT! They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!

    ************************************************** ***************

    ************************************************** ***************
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #915
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I just had a dream about it

    A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

    "You'll know tonight." he said.

    That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

  6. #916
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This equation should be taught in all math classes!

    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
    than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they
    are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
    meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
    How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
    answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y
    Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
    21 2 2 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
    While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
    Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing
    that will put you over the top!
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  7. #917
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Little Kari, a second grader, asked her mother, Lena, the age-old question:

    "How did I get here?"

    Her mother told her, "God sent yew."

    "Did God send yew, too?" asked Kari.

    "Yes, Dear," replied Lena.

    "Vat about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

    "He sent dem too" Lena said.

    "Did he send der mom and dad, too?" asked Kari.

    "Yes, Dear, He did," said Lena, patiently.

    "So, yer telling me dat der has been NO sex in dis family for 200 yurs?


    No vunder everyvun's so grumpy 'round here."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #918
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A preacher took two friends bear hunting in the woods. They were walking along and they saw a bear and they all shot at once and they didn't know who shot it.
    So they took it to the taxidermist to do an autopsy to see who shot it.
    Fianlly they taxidermist said the preacher shot the bear because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.

  9. #919
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."



    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.



    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.



    The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."





    She said,
    "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
    You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #920
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.


    A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

    "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago , I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago , I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

    "Little Bastard >From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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