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  1. #901
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."

    Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."

    Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."

    Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?"

    Lena: "In da lake."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #902
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole, Lars, and Sven went to the Sons of Norway banquet and they all one a prize.
    Ole won a years supply of lutefisk, Lars won a trip for two to Disney World and Sven won a toilet brush.

    A few weeks later they were playing cards and they started talking about their prizes. Ole said that him and Lena get the most wonderful lutefisk every night and it's the best they have ever had.
    Lars said him and Hulga had a great trip to Disney World, they were excited to fly on a plane and it was an honr to meet Mickey Mouse.
    Sven just sat there awhile and Ole and Lars asked him how he liked his toilet brush.

    Sven said it was ok for awhile, but he decided to go back to toilet paper.

  3. #903
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lena goes to the doctor and complains that her husband Ole is losing interest in (Vell ya know). The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into some of Ole's mashed potatoes at dinner.

    About a week later, Lena is back at the doctor.

    Lena says, "Doc, da pill verked great! I put it in da potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and Ole jumps up, rakes all da food and dishes on da floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on da table!"

    The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

    "Naah," Lena says, "Dat's okay. Ve aren't going back ta dat restaurant anyvay."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #904
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two bowling teams, one Swedish, one Norwegian, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Swedish team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the Norwegian team rides on the top level.

    The Swedish team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the Norwegians upstairs. So, he decides to investigate.

    When the Swede reaches the top, he finds the Norwegian team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

    "What's going on up here?" asks the Swede. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

    "Ya," screams a terrified Norwegian, "but you've got a driver!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #905
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Oldie but goodie

    Subject: Friends for life


    One foggy night, a Minnesota Vikings fan was heading south from Minneapolis and a Chicago Bears fan was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

    The Vikings fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Bears fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

    The Bears fan walks over to the Vikings fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Vikings fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

    The Vikings fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Bears fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newly found friendship." The Bears fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Bears fan hands it back to the Vikings fan and says, "Your turn!"

    The Vikings fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."


    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  6. #906
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The bachelor's diet

    Bachelor's Diet

    MONDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

    LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

    AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox

    DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    TUESDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

    LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

    DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    WEDNESDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

    LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

    DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    THURSDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

    LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

    DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    FRIDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

    LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

    DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    SATURDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

    LUNCH - Ditto

    DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    SUNDAY:

    BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

    LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.

    DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

  7. #907
    Prophet's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
    young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
    chair; while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
    neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
    escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
    jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
    he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
    very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
    love you.' To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He
    was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
    and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  8. #908
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Prophet" wrote:
    Oldie but goodie

    Subject: Friends for life


    One foggy night, a Minnesota Vikings fan was heading south from Minneapolis and a Chicago Bears fan was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

    The Vikings fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Bears fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

    The Bears fan walks over to the Vikings fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals." The Vikings fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

    The Vikings fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Bears fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newly found friendship." The Bears fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Bears fan hands it back to the Vikings fan and says, "Your turn!"

    The Vikings fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."


    Heh heh heh!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #909
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Prophet" wrote:
    A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
    young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
    chair; while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
    neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
    escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
    jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
    he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
    very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
    love you.' To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He
    was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute,
    and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
    And then poor Prophet had to take it like a man...a *** man!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  10. #910
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Husband problems!!!!

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
    "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
    give you cyanide to kill your husband!

    That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

    Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
    "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.





    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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