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  1. #81
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Menopause Jewelry


    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
    ring the other day, so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

    When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
    a big red mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #82
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Boy! Can I relate to this one with a new grandson! :lol:

    Breast or Bottle Fed??

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    "Breast-fed" she replied.
    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
    "I know," she said,"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #83
    VKG4LFE's Avatar
    VKG4LFE is offline Jersey Retired Tetris Champion, Monkey GO Happy 4 Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    lol.....wait....GROSS!!!

    I get the most pissed off looks from people with my VKG 4 LFE Wisconsin license plate, and I LOVE IT!!

  4. #84
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lena pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

    After the exam, she shyly said, "Ole wants me to ask you...,"

    To which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late
    in the pregnancy."

    "No, that's not it," Lena confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #85
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A LITTLE FLAB

    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to
    his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we
    could
    get rid of your control top panty hose".
    While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The
    next
    morning the man woke his
    wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if
    you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
    This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
    him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said,"You know, if
    you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
    pool man, and your brother."

  6. #86
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    :laughing3: :laughing3: Oh My!!!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #87
    NordicNed is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    WOODEN EYE.....

    Two WWII Vets return from the war and decide live together, one vet was named John the other Vet was George.....George was the unlucky of the two, he lost an eye during the war and wore a patch all the time....

    John was always going out and having a good time, while George sat at home and did nothing. One day John comes in all excited and tells George he found a guy who makes wooden eyes that look almost real. George hears him out and decides to give it a try...

    The craftsman, hand carved and fitted a wooden eye for George and colored it to match the other. It looked rather good once in place and George was happy.

    That night, George and John went to a local dance hall to enjoy themselves with the ladies. John danced the night away and had a ball, while George sat alone and didn't dance at all....

    It was coming up on the last dance of the night and John pointed out to a nice looking lady across the room who he noticed didn't dance all night either. Only thing wrong with the lady was she had a hunch back....

    John persisted George to go ask her to dance, and George finaly gave in.

    George approached the lady and asked...."Would you like to dance"....she replied, OH BOY WOOD EYE.....George replied, Screw You You hunched back bitch.......


    I LOVE THE SMELL OF VICTORY IN THE MORNING AIR.

  8. #88
    fabybaby32's Avatar
    fabybaby32 is offline Rookie
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Q: Do you know why they spank babies when they are born?
    A: To knock the d*cks off the stupid ones!!!

  9. #89
    vikingTurf Guest

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM


    Boys:

    1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
    2- Insert card
    3- Dial code and desired amount
    4-Take the cash and the card


    Girls:

    1-Drive to the bank
    2-Check make-up in the mirror
    3- Apply perfume
    4- Manually check haircut
    5- Park car - failure
    6- Park car - failure
    7- Park car - success
    8- Search for the card in the handbag
    9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
    10- Throw phone card back in handbag
    11- look for bank card
    12- Insert card
    13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
    14- Enter code
    15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
    16- #Cancel#
    17- Re-enter code
    18- #Cancel#
    19- Call husband to get correct code
    20- Enter desired amount
    21- #Error#
    22- Enter bigger amount
    23- #Error#
    24- Enter maximum amount
    25- Cross fingers
    26- Take cash
    27- Go back to the car
    28- Check make-up in rear mirror
    29- Look for keys in handbag
    30- Start car
    31- Drive 50 meters
    32- STOP
    33- Drive back to bank machine
    34- Go out of the car
    35- Take card back from machine
    36- Go back to the car
    37- Throw card on passenger seat
    38- Check make-up in rear mirror
    39- Manually check haircut
    40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
    41- BREAK
    42- Go into roundabout - right way
    43- Drive 5 kilometers
    44- Remove hand break

  10. #90
    Join Date
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One afternoon, President Bush visited a group of seventh graders for a Q&A session at a local middle school. He asked the group of kids who wanted to ask the first question, Timmy raised his hand, and he asked;

    "Actually, Mr. President, I have three questions, first, why did you invade the middle east if you knew there were no WMD's? Second, why have you not managed to capture Osama bin Laden? and third, why didn't you fix the levees in New Orleans even though you knew ahead of time?

    Bush sat and thought for a few moments, then the recess bell rang. "You kids better go out and play, it's recess time! We'll finish this after."

    20 minutes later the kids returned from recess. Joey raised his hand. "I have five questions for you Mr. President;

    why did you invade the middle east if you knew there were no WMD's? why have you not managed to capture Osama bin Laden? why didn't you fix the levees in New Orleans even though you knew ahead of time? why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early and what the hell happened to Timmy!?"

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