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  1. #61
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    My new diet

    After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
    favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as
    I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this
    was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me
    to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me
    directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time
    around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #62
    RK.'s Avatar
    RK.
    RK. is offline Ring of Fame Rally Cross II Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A little something for Cajun. :smile:

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check > >for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when > >you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law

    WWBGD

  3. #63
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Nag...Nag...Nag.

    An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
    to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to
    be hanged for murder at midnight.

    His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
    was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
    about, "What time of night do you call this?
    Where have you been?" And on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
    and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
    soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
    told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
    after all.

    Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
    upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
    she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent
    over naked drying his legs and feet.

    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

    He whirled around and screamed,
    "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP".
    YEAH...Quit yer bitchin', woman!!! :evil:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #64
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A young Ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a
    show in a very small town.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
    blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
    shouting:

    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
    you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's
    hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
    keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community

    and from reaching our full potential as a person . . because you and your
    kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
    but, women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
    yells,"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on
    your knee."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #65
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "RK." wrote:
    A little something for Cajun. :smile:

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check > >for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when > >you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
    These have already been circulated around the legal community...thanks for sharing though! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #66
    tarkenton10's Avatar
    tarkenton10 is online now Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two guys are in the locker room going into the showers. The one is very heavy and he says to the other one "I am so depressed I have been so fat for so many years I can't remember the last time I saw my D*ck". The other guys says why don't you diet. The fat guy says "I don't know... what color is it!?!?!?"

    There s only two things stopping you - fear and common sense!! The Truth you CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!

  7. #67
    vikingTurf Guest

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The UN conducted a worldwide survey.The only question asked was:

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
    food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what
    'food' meant; in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, in
    Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, in China they didn't
    know what 'opinion' meant, in Middle East they didn't know what
    'solution' meant, in South America they didn't know what 'please'
    meant, and in USA they didn't know what 'rest of the world' meant.

  8. #68
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a doberman and the other,
    a chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the doberman said
    to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

    The lady with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with
    us."

    The one with the doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

    They walked over to the bar and the one with the doberman put on a pair of
    dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,

    "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman with the doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
    seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A doberman?"

    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

    The lady with the chihuahua thought that convincing him that a chihuahua was
    a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the heck",
    so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The bouncer said, "A chihuahua?"

    The woman with the chihuahua said, "A chihuahua? The bastards gave me a chihuahua?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #69
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Subject: Why our country is in trouble

    A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

    1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

    2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.


    3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

    4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

    5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

    6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

    7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT),and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

    8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

    9. I just got of f the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

    10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

    11. A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

    12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservatio ns, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal". Need I say MORE????????
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #70
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Stress Reliever


    "If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique
    recommended in all the latest psychological texts. It really works. Just
    take a few seconds and focus on each step."

    1. Picture yourself near a stream.
    2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
    3. No one but you knows your secret place.
    4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
    5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
    serenity.
    6. The water is crystal clear.
    7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
    underwater.
    8. See, you're smiling already.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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