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  1. #621
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sven and Ole got a job putting in telephone poles. After the first day, they were talking to the foreman. The forman asked how many poles they had put in.

    "Two" said Ole.

    "Only TWO?" Said the foreman, "All the other crews put in eight to ten."

    "Yah!" Said Ole, "But did you see how much dey left sticking out?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #622
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all! my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
    20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, ! and I probably smell pretty disgusting."


    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.”

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    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #623
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lena went to her friend Kari and complained of her achy muscles and weight.
    "How do you keep so slim, Freida," she asked.

    "I'll tell ya, Lena, ay found a secret for building my arm and shoulder muscles.
    You might vant to try dis, 3 times a veek are good."

    "I start by standing outside behind da house and, wit a 5 pound spud sack in each hand,
    stretch my arms out to my sides and hold them der long as I can."

    "After a few veeks I moved up to 10 pound
    sacks,
    den
    50 pound spud sacks, and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound spud sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!"

    "Next,
    I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks,
    but be careful you not overdo it at this level."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #624
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Those raccoons are not luggage

    As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

    When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

    "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

  5. #625
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Said by patients during Colonoscopies

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. "Take it easy, Doc You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

    2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

    3 "Can you hear me NOW?"


    4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


    5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

    6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

    7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.."

    8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

    9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

    10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

    11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

    12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

    And the best one of all...

    13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #626
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of
    them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, Sven, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Luther College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
    innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.

    The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

    The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the Iowa State and yust graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute
    nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #627
    AngloVike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
    husband, "I look horrible, I look fat and ugly. Please pay me a
    compliment".

    The husband replies, "Your eyesight's bloody perfect".

    He never even heard the gunshot.............
    Time spent annoying a Packer fan is never time wasted...


  8. #628
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sven and Helga were Swedes and were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Sven
    suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
    Helga promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Sven
    out.

    When the medical director became aware of Helga's heroic act he immediately
    ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
    be mentally stable.

    When he went to tell Helga the news he said, "Helga, I have good news & bad
    news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
    to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
    your senses. The bad news is, Sven, the patient you saved, hung himself with
    his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Helga replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #629
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Dang! All the work from these college classes is killing me! This is the way it should be....

    Life Cycle


    I think the life cycle is all backwards.


    You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

    Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

    You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
    then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

    You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

    You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
    get ready for High School.

    You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
    responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
    conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
    day, and then...
    You finish off as an orgasm.

    I rest my case.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #630
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This is humorous:

    2006 Darwin Awards

    As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this
    year are....



    In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
    water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
    retrieve his car keys.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***********



    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
    ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

    ************************************************** ******************************* ******************************



    Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
    into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
    Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had

    been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
    collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
    the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way

    to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.

    It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
    while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
    hospital.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***********


    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first
    through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was

    caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
    hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***********



    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a
    bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
    bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ***********



    The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC
    appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
    previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choi ces:


    1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing
    in handguns.
    2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
    3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked

    police patrol car parked at the front door.
    4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
    before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
    hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.


    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with
    a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several
    customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired. The

    robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene
    investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
    subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
    rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange

    of fire.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ************


    HONORABLE MENTION

    Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his

    wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up
    in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
    dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,

    but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ************


    RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA.

    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
    said they knew a person who had bunge e-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
    Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and

    at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
    Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
    had brought a bungee rope.

    Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a

    coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
    around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
    lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the

    ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and
    was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is
    that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other

    explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

    ***************************************** ************************************************** *********************


    AND THE WINNER


    Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
    constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
    bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm

    finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
    Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
    ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on

    him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
    Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
    unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of

    him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no
    one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
    before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It

    seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...Shit
    happens.


    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good -Samuel Johnson - lexicographer
    The word genius isn t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein - Joe Theisman

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