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  1. #611
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says, "Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?"

    The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."

    Ole says, "O.K., How much vill ya pay me?"

    The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

    Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"

    Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?"

    Surprised the man replies, "OK, Let me get the money"

    He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, "By da vay, Dat's a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #612
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Burger joint conversations nationwide

    M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
    "Have some fries."

    Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
    "Have some fries."

    Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
    "Have some fries."

    Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
    "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

    Swarthmore: "I got a B."
    "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

    Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
    "Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

    Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
    "Nope. Have some fries."

    Williams: "Don't I know you?"
    "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

    Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
    "Bummer. Have some fries."

    Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
    "Me too. Let's go get shot."

    Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
    "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

    Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
    "Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

    Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
    "Have some beer."

    Wisconsin: "I wish I were Ivy League."
    "Here, drink the fry grease."

  3. #613
    Garland Greene's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




    Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





    Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.





    Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




    Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




    Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




    Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.





    EVER WONDER .....




    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




    If con is the opposite of pro , is Congress the opposite of progress?




    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

  4. #614
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

    Ingrid awakes during the night to find that her husband, Sven, was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    Sven looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember, 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    Ingrid is touched to tears thinking that after all these years her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. paused The words were not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    Sven continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

    "I would have gotten out today."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #615
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

    Ingrid awakes during the night to find that her husband, Sven, was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    Sven looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember, 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    Ingrid is touched to tears thinking that after all these years her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. paused The words were not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    Sven continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

    "I would have gotten out today."
    A TRUE story...Fedje's real name is Ingrid...and her husband's is Sven!
    LOL
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #616
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Problems driving

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

  7. #617
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."

    Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"

    Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."

    Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."

    Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #618
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "WVV" wrote:
    Problems driving

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
    I thought that Fedje's real name was Ingrid...not Mildred!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #619
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "WVV" wrote:
    Problems driving

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

    I thought that Fedje's real name was Ingrid...not Mildred!

    WRONG! It's Linda.
    ;D

    OLE IN THE ARMY.

    Fifty-one years ago Ole Olson, a Norwegian immigrant, was drafted by the US Army.

    On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day the Army issued Ole a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist
    removed seven of his teeth.

    On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

    The Army has been looking for Ole for 51 years.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #620
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Grandma changed

    In the dim and distant past
    When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
    Grandma used to rock and knit,
    Crochet, tat and baby sit.

    When the kids were in a jam,
    They could always call on Gram.
    But today she's in the gym
    Exercising to keep slim.

    She's checking the web or surfing the net,
    Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
    Nothing seems to stop or block her,
    Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

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