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  1. #601
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Kids are the best comedians!!

    A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.
    While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
    When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
    ********************************************
    One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
    **********************************************
    One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
    ************************************************** **
    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ************************************************** **
    A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    ************************************************** **
    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
    looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".
    ************************************************** **
    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
    toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
    ************************************************** **
    Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
    Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #602
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Philosophy Exam

    (True story)

    A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

    On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

    After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

    The student received an "A" on the exam.

  3. #603
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    College Prayers

    O Lord, hear my anxious plea

    Calculus is killing me

    I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'

    And probably won't until the day I die.

    Please, Lord, help me in this hour

    As I take my case to the highest power.

    I care not for fame or loot

    Just help me find one square root.

    And Lord, please let me see

    One passing mark in organic chemistry.

    Oh such a thing I constantly dread

    I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

    Lord, please give me a sign

    That you've been listening all the time.

    Please lead me out of this constant coma

    And give me a shot at my diploma.

  4. #604
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Girlfriend 1.0 software
    Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

    Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

    Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

    1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

    2. Minimize button.

    3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

    I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

    Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

    Bug warning
    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #605
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Time for my favorite. But I can't wait until it isn't true anymore!
    ;D

    Ole and Sven die and woke up in Hell. The next day the devil stops in
    to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber
    hats warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are
    you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

    Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know, we're from nordern Minnesoda, the
    land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to
    warm up a little bit, ya know."

    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
    the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still
    dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again,
    "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

    Again,Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from
    nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just
    happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."

    This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two
    guys.

    He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and
    screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from
    Minnesoda and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

    The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery,
    and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

    The two Minnesodans reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much warm
    weather up dere in Bemidji, we've just got to have a fish fry when the weather's this nice."

    The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
    comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

    The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning,
    the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people
    are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their
    teeth.

    The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesotans. He
    gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

    The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
    you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
    wrong with you two?"

    Ole and Sven look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know,
    if Hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings won da Super Bowl.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #606
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A student's request for extra money

    A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

    His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

    "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

    So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

    "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

    "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

    "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

  7. #607
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ralph and Edna...

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him.
    I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
    How soon can I go home?"




    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  8. #608
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole and Sven are working on a barn. The wind comes up and blows their ladder over. Ole asks Sven, "How are ve going ta get down?"

    Sven looks around the roof for a while then says, "Well ders a manure pile on dat side a da barn ve could jump in to soften da landing."

    Ole said, "OK Sven, but you go first, it vas your idea!" So Sven jumps off into the manure. Ole yells down to him, "How deep is it Sven?"

    Sven yells back, "Its only up to my ankles!" So Ole jumped down too and they both climb out of the manure pile.

    Ole turns to Sven and said, "Sven vat da hell did you mean it vas only up ta your ankles? It vas up ta my EARS!"

    Sven replies, "Ya, but I jumped in head first."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #609
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Subject: Another new virus


    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most
    advanced programs from Norton, Trend, or McAfee cannot take care of this
    one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

    Symptoms:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
    Oh My!

    IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS. "
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #610
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole and Sven were out working and Sven noticed Ole was wearing panty

    hose.
    Sven asked Ole, How long have Ya been vearing the panty hose?

    Ole answered, About a year ever since Lena found dem in thar glove box.

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