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  1. #51
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I think that this one was on the first joke thread but here goes:

    Ta Ta Daddy

    One Night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying, " God bless Mommy, Daddy, and GrandMa. Ta, Ta, Grandpa."

    The father didn't quiet know what this meant, but was glad that his son was praying.

    The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was a bit spooked.

    The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta, ta, Grandpma."

    The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

    Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray, "God bless Mommy. Ta, ta, Daddy."

    Now the father was shaking in his booties. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

    She said, "Thank God, you're here - we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #52
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I think this is old but still funny


    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
    speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
    on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
    start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
    of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink and proceeded to talk up a
    storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
    on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
    Junior and the spook.
    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey;
    don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take
    this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
    12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
    thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
    14 ) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's
    not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #53
    vikingTurf Guest

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Do you know why the girls don't keep thier mobiles in
    shirt pocket?

    B'coz can't get signals near hills & mountains


    Do you know why boys keep their mobiles in pant
    pockets?

    B'coz signals are high near the tower....

  4. #54
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up
    in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing
    back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

    All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
    herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

    She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

    The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.
    Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #55
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Subject: NO SEX SINCE 1955

    A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event,
    hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage
    of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
    whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


    She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
    serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am,"
    the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

    "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

    "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's
    short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
    said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
    enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
    this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

    She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out
    and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since
    1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where
    she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
    chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
    matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #56
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    :roll:

    The thing about this joke is that unfortunately it's true in some cases! Many people born in this country cannot count money or know what denominations our country uses.

    But it's still good for a laugh! :lol:

    The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!

    I am STILL laughing!! Many of today`s youth are terribly challenged without a computer to tell them what to do!! The story is funny. Lack of education is not funny!! But, how many youth have seen a $2 bill?

    On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

    Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

    He goes to talk to his manager,who is still within my earshot.

    The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

    Server: "Hey,you ever see a $2 bill?"

    Manager: "No. A what?"

    Server:"A $2 bill.This guy just gave it to me."

    Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

    Server: "Yeah, thought so"

    He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

    Me:"Just this fifty.You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

    Server: "I don't know."

    Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

    Server: "Yeah."

    Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

    Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

    He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

    Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

    Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "

    Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

    Server: "What should I do?"

    Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

    Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

    Manager: "Just tell him."

    Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

    The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

    Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

    Manager: "We don't take those, either."

    Me: "Why not?"

    Manager: "I think you know why."

    Me: "No really, tell me why."

    Manager:"Please leave before I call mall security."

    Me: "Excuse me?"

    Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

    Me: "What on earth for?"

    Manager: "Please, sir."

    Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

    Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

    Me: "No."

    Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

    Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

    At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

    Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

    Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

    Guard: "No kidding! What?"

    Manager: "Get this .. a two dollar bill."

    Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

    Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

    Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

    Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

    Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

    Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

    Guard: "Yeah."

    Security Guard walks over to me and......

    Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use"

    Me: "Uh, no."

    Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

    Me: "Why?"

    Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

    At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

    I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

    Manager: "It's fake."

    Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

    Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

    Guard: "Yeah?"

    Manager:"Well, there's no such thing,is there?"

    The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

    So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

    Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #57
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two men, Ole and Lars, were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Norway."

    The other guy responds proudly, "Ya sure I am!"

    The first guy says, "So am I!

    "And vhere about from Norway vould you be from?"

    The other guy answers, "I'm from Oslo, you betcha."

    The first guy responds, "Sure so am I! And vhat street did you live on in Oslo?"

    The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on Thor Avenue in the old central part of town"

    The first guy says, "It's a small world, so did I! So did I! And may I ask, to vhat school did you go to?"

    The other guy answers, "Vell now, I went to Leif Erickson of course."

    The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. I thought you looked familiar. Tell me, vhat year did you graduate?"

    The other guy answers, "Vell, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

    The first guy exclaims, "The Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at vinding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Leif Erickson in 1964 also"

    About this time, Lena walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

    Nels, the bartender, walks over to Lena, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

    Lena asks, "Why do you say that, Nels?"


    "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #58
    vikeswin2005's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    did you see the draft today?????????
    HAHAHHAHA sorry could not resist

  9. #59
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "vikeswin2005" wrote:
    did you see the draft today?????????
    HAHAHHAHA sorry could not resist
    From what little I've gathered between writing papers etc. It was the biggest joke of all! :lol: I only wanted Cutler. :roll:
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #60
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Nag...Nag...Nag.

    An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
    to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to
    be hanged for murder at midnight.

    His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
    was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
    about, "What time of night do you call this?
    Where have you been?" And on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
    and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
    soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
    told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
    after all.

    Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
    upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door,
    she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent
    over naked drying his legs and feet.

    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

    He whirled around and screamed,
    "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP".
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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