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  1. #541
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Too much speeding

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

    "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

    "But, officer, I just wanted to say"

    "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

  2. #542
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole Panty Stitcher

    Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

    Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

    The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

    Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

    Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

    When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

    The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

    "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #543
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    How do you kill a circus?





    Go for the juggler.

  4. #544
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I did all of that?

    After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

    "Yes," the golfer responded.

    "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

    "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

    "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

    The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

    "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

  5. #545
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole Says...
    ...UFF-DA is ven you drop a bag of garbage, ISH-DA is ven you hafta pick it up!
    ...The first ting to go is da mem'ry...da second ting is da....da.... Vat vas I sayin?
    ...After seeing what birds do to my car...it's a good ting cows can't fly.
    ...I'm not overweight...I'm under-tall.
    ...two wrongs don't make a right. But three lefts do.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #546
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Welfare applications

    For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

    I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

    I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

    Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

    I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

    I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

    This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

    Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

    I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

    In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

    I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

    My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

    Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

    You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

    I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

    I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

    In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

  7. #547
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Poor Ole...
    He answered the phone and came back to the living room crying.

    "Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.

    "I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!"

    Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.

    "Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena.

    "Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #548
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Hey Cajun, trying to take over the jokes? They're great jokes but maybe you would like to try this little program called "Email Stripper", it takes all those >> out of the email. You can download it here...http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
    TOO MUCH WORK!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #549
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Hey Cajun, trying to take over the jokes? They're great jokes but maybe you would like to try this little program called "Email Stripper", it takes all those >> out of the email. You can download it here...http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
    [b]TOO MUCH WORK!!![b]
    And all those posts aren't work??
    (Webby, where is the 'bold' button thingy? Glad I remembered how!)

    OLE AND Lena had married under not so happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag of either. But when Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment after being married for thirty-five years, the whole town gasped with amazement.



    A date for a hearing was set, and when the time came the judge insisted to know the reasons why Ole demanded an annulment.



    "It's like this," announced Ole, "I just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry that gun."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #550
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    SVEN AND OLE went to the lake, rented a boat and went fishing. They eventually found a great spot and quickly caught their limit. On the way back to the dock Ole said, "That surely was good fishing. How will we ever find that place again?"



    Sven said, "Don't worry. While we were there, I put an X on the side of the boat."



    "But that won't work!" Ole said.



    "Why not?"



    "How do we know we'll get the same boat next time?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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