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  1. #531
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
    Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
    First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
    How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
    Begin by noting the following.
    IF:
    A = 1
    B = 2
    C = 3
    D = 4
    E = 5
    F = 6
    H = 8
    I = 9
    J = 10
    K = 11
    L = 12
    M = 13
    N = 14
    O = 15
    P = 16
    Q = 17
    R = 18
    S = 19
    T = 20
    U = 21
    V = 22
    W = 23
    X = 24
    Y = 25
    Z = 26
    Then:
    H A R D W O R K =
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
    Similarly,
    K N O W L E D G E =
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
    But interesting (and as you'd expect),
    A T T I T U D E =
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
    But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
    B U L L S H I T =
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,
    and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #532
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I doubt these are really SAT responses. The following questions and answers were collated
    >> > from last year's SAT tests from Springdale, Arkansas
    >> > to l6 year old students. Just remember, one of
    >> > these may be the future president.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Name the 4 seasons
    >> > A: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
    >> >
    >> > Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can
    >> > be made safe to drink.
    >> > F: Flirtation makes water safe to drink becuase it
    >> > removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
    >> > and canoeists.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How is dew formed?
    >> > A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
    >> > perspire
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a planet?
    >> > A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    >> > A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the
    >> > Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
    >> > because there is no water on the moon and nature
    >> > abhors a vacuum. I forget where the suns joins in
    >> > this fight.
    >> >
    >> > Q: In a democratic society, how important are
    >> > elections?
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male
    >> > get an election.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What are steroids?
    >> > A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
    >> >
    >> > Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    >> > A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
    >> > intercontinental.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    >> > A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward
    >> > to his adultery.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    >> > A: Premature death.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    >> > A: Keep it in the cow.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized
    >> > (e.g. abdomen)
    >> > A: The body is consisted into three parts--the
    >> > brainuim, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
    >> > and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
    >> > a,e, i , o, and u.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What is the Fibula?
    >> > A: A small lie.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    >> > A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
    >> > condominium.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What does "varicose" mean?
    >> > A. Nearby
    >> >
    >> > Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean
    >> > Section."
    >> > A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a seizure?
    >> > A: A Roman emperor
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a terminal illness?
    >> > A: When you are sick at the airport.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a
    >> > characteristic feature?
    >> > A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and
    >> > so they look like umbrellas.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
    >> > A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What is a turbine?
    >> > A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a Hindu:
    >> > A. It lays eggs
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #533
    whatever is offline Waterboy
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    I doubt these are really SAT responses. The following questions and answers were collated
    >> > from last year's SAT tests from Springdale, Arkansas
    >> > to l6 year old students. Just remember, one of
    >> > these may be the future president.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Name the 4 seasons
    >> > A: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar
    >> >
    >> > Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can
    >> > be made safe to drink.
    >> > F: Flirtation makes water safe to drink becuase it
    >> > removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
    >> > and canoeists.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How is dew formed?
    >> > A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
    >> > perspire
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a planet?
    >> > A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    >> > A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the
    >> > Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
    >> > because there is no water on the moon and nature
    >> > abhors a vacuum. I forget where the suns joins in
    >> > this fight.
    >> >
    >> > Q: In a democratic society, how important are
    >> > elections?
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male
    >> > get an election.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What are steroids?
    >> > A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
    >> >
    >> > Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    >> > A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
    >> > intercontinental.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    >> > A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward
    >> > to his adultery.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    >> > A: Premature death.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    >> > A: Keep it in the cow.
    >> >
    >> > Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized
    >> > (e.g. abdomen)
    >> > A: The body is consisted into three parts--the
    >> > brainuim, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
    >> > and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
    >> > a,e, i , o, and u.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What is the Fibula?
    >> > A: A small lie.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    >> > A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
    >> > condominium.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What does "varicose" mean?
    >> > A. Nearby
    >> >
    >> > Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean
    >> > Section."
    >> > A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a seizure?
    >> > A: A Roman emperor
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a terminal illness?
    >> > A: When you are sick at the airport.
    >> >
    >> > Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a
    >> > characteristic feature?
    >> > A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and
    >> > so they look like umbrellas.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
    >> > A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
    >> >
    >> > Q. What is a turbine?
    >> > A. Something an Arab wears on his head.
    >> >
    >> > Q: What is a Hindu:
    >> > A. It lays eggs
    Forget about responses, there's no way these are real SAT questions.

  4. #534
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Tombstone trivia..................

    Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
    Born 1903 - Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down - It
    was.
    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
    On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
    Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
    In a London, England cemetery:
    Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann.
    Dec. 8, 1767
    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
    Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread,
    And the Lord sent them manna.
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.
    In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
    Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me For not rising.
    In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
    Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
    Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
    Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
    Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
    John Penny's epitaph Wimborne, England cemetery:
    Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
    And thou wilt find a Penny.
    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
    On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
    Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont:
    Here lies the body of our Anna. Done to death by a banana.
    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing
    that made her go.
    On a grave from the 1880 Nantucket, Massachusetts:
    Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
    He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.
    In a cemetery in England:
    Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I.
    Remember this and follow me.
    To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
    To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.
    And last but not least,
    found on a tombstone in Savannah, GA:
    I told you I was sick!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  5. #535
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Food For Thought
    > > The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the
    ceremonial
    > > pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
    > >
    > > "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white
    man
    > > for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have
    > seen
    > >
    > > all his progress, and all his problems."
    > >
    > > The chief nodded.
    > >
    > > The official continued: "Considering recent events, in your opinion
    where
    > > has the white man gone wrong?"
    > >
    > > The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and
    then
    > > calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running
    it.
    > >
    > > * No taxes.
    > >
    > > * No debt.
    > >
    > > * Plenty buffalo
    > >
    > > * Plenty beaver
    > >
    > > * Women did the work
    > >
    > > * Medicine man free
    > >
    > > * Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
    > >
    > > The chief smiled, and added quietly: "White man dumb enough to think he
    > > could improve system like that."
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #536
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was
    sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked
    up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked
    up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began
    reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a
    conversation with him. "Hello, sir," how are you?
    "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back
    to his book.
    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she
    asked. "First time since my wife passed away last
    year," he replied.
    "Do you live around here?" she asked.
    "Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
    Goldie persisted. "Do you like "meow" cats?"

    With that, he threw his book down, jumped off
    his blanket onto hers, tore off both their
    swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of
    her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie
    gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that
    was what I wanted?"
    The man replied, "How did you know my name was
    Katz?"
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  7. #537
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Hey Cajun, trying to take over the jokes? They're great jokes but maybe you would like to try this little program called "Email Stripper", it takes all those >> out of the email. You can download it here...http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm


    There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #538
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The plumber has arrived

    A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

    She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

    He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

    He replied, "It's the plumber."

    He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

    He said, "It's the plumber!"

    He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

    He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

    Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

    The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

    The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

  9. #539
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I have bad and very bad news

    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

    Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

    Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

    Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

  10. #540
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
    Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
    Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
    Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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