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  1. #521
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    > Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
    > > > > > > water temperature isn't just how you like it,think about how
    > > > > > > things used to be; here are some facts about the 1500's:
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
    > > > > > > bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June; however, they
    > > > > > > were starting to
    > > > > > > smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
    > > > > > > odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The
    > man
    > > > > > > of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all
    > > > > > > the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the
    > > > > > > children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
    > > > > > > you could actually lose someone in it-hence the saying
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no
    > > > > > > wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm,
    > > > > > > so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, rats and
    > > > > > > bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
    > > > > > > sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the
    > > > > > > saying "It's raining cats and dogs!"
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
    > > > > > > This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
    > > > > > > droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence a bed
    > > > > > > with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
    > > > > > > protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
    > > > > > > dirt; hence the saying "dirt poor."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
    > > > > > > winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help
    > > > > > > keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more
    > > > > > > thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
    > slipping
    > > > > > > outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway; hence, a
    > > > > > > "thresh hold."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
    > > > > > > over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to
    > > > > > > the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
    > > > > > > meat.They would eat stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
    > pot
    > > > > > > to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
    > Sometimes
    > > > > > > the stew had food in it that had been therefore quite a while;
    > > > > > > hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
    > > > > > > peas porridge in the pot ninedays old."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
    > > > > > > special. When visitors came, they would hang up their bacon to
    > > > > > > showoff. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home
    > > > > > > the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
    > > > > > > would all sit around and "chew the fat."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Those with money had plates of pewter. Food with high acid
    > > > > > > content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing
    > > > > > > lead poisoning and death.This happened most often with
    > > > > > > tomatoes,so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
    > > > > > > considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates,
    > but
    > > > > > > had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like
    > a
    > > > > > > bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so
    > > > > > > old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
    > > > > > > Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold
    > got
    > > > > > > into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy
    > > > > > > trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burned
    > > > > > > bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,and guests got the
    > > > > > > top or
    > > > > > > "upper crust."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
    > > > > > > would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone
    > > > > > > walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them
    > > > > > > for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a
    > couple
    > > > > > > of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink
    > and
    > > > > > > wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of holding
    > a
    > > > > > > "wake."
    > > > > > >
    > > > > > > England is old and small and they started running out of places
    > > > > > > to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and take the bones
    > > > > > > to a "bone house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
    > > > > > > coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
    > > > > > > on the inside and they realized
    > > > > > > they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would
    > > > > > > tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
    > > > > > > coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
    > > > > > > would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard
    > > > > > > shift")to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved
    > > > > > > by the bell" or was considered a "deadringer."
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #522
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    >Quote: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
    >
    > Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching
    > their own lives if they review the "C" answers carefully.
    >
    > 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
    > are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
    friendship,
    > they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that
    is
    > capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
    > energy,wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
    oppression
    > and violence all over the entire Earth.
    >
    > You decide to:
    >
    > A. Present it to the President of the United States.
    >
    > B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    >
    > C. Take it apart.
    >
    > 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
    > the most?
    >
    > A. Innocence.
    >
    > B. Idealism.
    >
    > C. Cherry bombs.
    >
    > 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
    >
    > A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
    > narrow-minded social conventions.
    >
    > B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
    >
    > C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
    > really sportsman- like way to let him know that, for business reasons,
    you
    > have to have him killed.
    >
    > 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
    >
    > A. A cat.
    >
    > B. A dog.
    >
    > C. A dog that eats cats.
    >
    > 5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
    > intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
    > afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
    game;
    > she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
    tells
    > you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
    > uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says
    she's
    > not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that
    you
    > have some kind of future together. What do you say?
    >
    > A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
    > don't want to rush it.
    >
    > B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
    > honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
    commitment,
    > and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    >
    > C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
    > seventeen.
    >
    > 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
    > spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows
    > the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
    >
    > A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    >
    > B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
    when
    > she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the
    stars
    > in her eyes, you tell her.
    >
    > C. Tell her what?
    >
    > 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
    > your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
    >
    > A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    >
    > B. "They're in school already?"
    >
    > C. "There are three of them?"
    >
    > 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    >
    > A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so
    > large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your
    legs.
    >
    > B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has
    to
    > be handled with tweezers.
    >
    > C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
    > the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but
    > this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which
    > she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate
    > relationship with it than with her).
    >
    > 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
    >
    > that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
    > they
    > finally got to the Promised Land?
    >
    > A. He was being tested.
    >
    > B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
    > finally got there.
    >
    > C. He refused to ask for directions.
    >
    > 10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    >
    > A. Democracy.
    >
    > B. Religion.
    >
    > C. The TV remote control.
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #523
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Disclaimer:
    I am NOT a Plaintiff's attorney!

    > The Stella Awards
    > > > In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in
    > > > damages to
    > > > 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
    > > > groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
    > > >
    > > > This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award -for the most
    > > > frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones you listed below are clear
    > > > candidates.
    > > >
    > > > All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the
    > > good
    > > > old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (See OJ trial)
    > > >
    > > > 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded
    > > $780,000
    > > > by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
    > > who
    > > > was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
    > > > understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
    > > little
    > > > prick was Ms. Robertson's son.
    > > >
    > > > 2. June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
    >and
    > > > medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda
    >Accord.
    > > > Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
    >the
    > > > car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
    > > >
    > > > 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was
    >leaving
    > > > a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
    >able
    > > > to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was
    > > > malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
    > > connecting
    > > > the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
    > > > vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
    > > He
    > > > subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
    > > Mr.
    > > > Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
    > > > undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million
    > > dollars.
    > > >
    > > > 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded
    > > > $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his
    > > next
    > > > door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
    >fenced-in
    > > > yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the
    >jury
    > > > felt Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a
    > > > pellet gun might have provoked the dog.
    > > >
    > > > 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
    >Carson
    > > > of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and
    > > > broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson
    >threw
    > > > it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
    > > >
    > > > 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued
    > > > the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the
    > > > bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth . This
    > > > occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the
    > > > ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
    > > $12,000
    > > > and dental expenses.
    > > >
    > > > 7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:
    > > > Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not
    > > > liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath
    >and
    > > > attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for,
    > > > "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #524
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Hey Cajun, great jokes but maybe you would like to try this little program called "Email Stripper", it takes all those >> out of the mail. You can download it here...http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm


    This has got to be the funniest thing I've read all year??..This is for all the Northerners who moved South.

    Living In The South


    Dear Diary:

    May 30th: Just moved to Birmingham... Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


    June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.


    June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


    July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.


    July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
    Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


    July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


    July 25th: The wind sucks It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.


    July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


    August 4th: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.


    August 8th: If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


    August 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.


    August 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing will be next,so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.


    August 15th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #525
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole and Lars were crazy about baseball. They even speculated on the possibility of baseball being played in heaven. So they made an agreement...whoever went first would find a way to tell the other back on earth whether or not baseball was played in heaven.

    Lars was the first to go, and one day as Ole was walkling down the street, he felt a slight tap on his shoulder.

    "Is dat you, Lars?" asked Ole

    "Yah, it's me, Ole. I've got some good news and some bad news."

    "Vell," said Ole, let's have da good news first."

    "Da good news, Ole," said Lars, "Is dat YES, dere is baseball in heaven."

    "OK," responded Ole. "Now what is da bad news?"

    Answered Lars, "You're scheduled to pitch next Tuesday."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #526
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    SVEN WAS hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway. His first day he painted ten miles. The second day he only painted five.



    His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest. But when Sven came back to work the next day, he only painted half a mile.



    So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"



    "Simple, " Sven answered. "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!"

  7. #527
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

    Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
    The
    other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
    print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
    becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
    Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
    because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
    about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
    your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
    sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
    I cannot stress this enough!












    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
    front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About MY Pets

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1.
    Eat less
    2.
    Don't ask for money all the time
    3.
    Are easier to train
    4. Usually come when called
    5. Never drive your car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #528
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This dog is acting bad

    While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

    A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

    To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

  9. #529
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden
    scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a
    performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #530
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Does this count as a joke?
    [img width=380 height=237]http://www.thepackattack.com/files/images/brett-favre-sacked-bears.jpg[/img]

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