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  1. #511
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    CHINESE PROVERBS



    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run in front of car get tired.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man with one chopstick go hungry.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who scratch jiggly butt should not bite fingernails

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    Shouldn't these be NORWEGIAN proverbs???
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #512
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Just a change of pace Cajun! But for you here's a Norwegian joke....

    After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.

    Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.

    The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

    "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #513
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    LENA: "OLE, if I die first, will you promise to ride to the cemetery with my mother?"



    Ole: "Well, I suppose I can. But, I tell you . . . it will ruin my whole day."

  4. #514
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me,
    > > Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
    > >
    > > The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
    > >
    > > "Yes, Father, it is."
    > >
    > > "And who was the woman you were with?"
    > >
    > > "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
    > > reputation."
    > >
    > > "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
    > tell
    > > me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
    > >
    > > I cannot say."

    Was it Patricia Kelly?"
    > >
    > > "I'll never tell."
    > >
    > > "Was it Liz Shannon?"
    > >
    > > "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
    > >
    > > "Was it Cathy Morgan?"
    > >
    > > "My lips are sealed."
    > >
    > > "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
    > >
    > > "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration.
    > > "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But
    > you've
    > > sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
    > >
    > > Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
    > whispers,"What'd
    > > you get?"
    > >
    > > "Five good leads," says Tommy.
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  5. #515
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Farmer John

    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by,the traffic
    built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
    chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

    So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to
    do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my
    chickens."

    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do
    something about those crazy drivers!"

    So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that
    said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

    Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
    something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to ma ke
    them go even faster."

    So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
    sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.

    So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

    Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up
    my own sign?"

    The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to
    let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling
    every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

    Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
    give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put
    up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did.! And not one chicken has been killed since
    then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

    The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go
    out there and take a look at that sign. it might be something that WE could
    use to slow down drivers.."
    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw droppedthe
    moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


    "NUDIST COLONY"
    *** Go slow and watch out for the chicks *
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #516
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sue over the property

    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

    "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

    "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

    "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

    "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

  7. #517
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Twisted research....... Hmmmmmm.....
    >
    > A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
    > starves to death.
    >
    > (Creepy.)
    >
    > If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
    > have produced
    > enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    >
    > (Hardly seems worth it)
    >
    > If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,enough gas
    > is produced to Create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    >
    > (Now that's more like it)
    >
    > A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
    >
    > (In my next life I want to be a pig)
    >
    > (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
    >
    > Banging your head against a wall uses 150calories an hour.
    >
    > (Still can't get over that pig thing)
    >
    > (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
    >
    > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
    > pleasure.
    >
    > (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
    >
    > (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
    >
    > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
    >
    > (Hmmmmmmmmm........)


    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
    > left-handed people do.
    >
    > (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
    >
    > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
    > its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when
    > intoxicated.
    >
    > (From drinking little bottles of...?)
    >
    > (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
    >
    > Polar bears are left-handed.
    >
    > (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?)
    >
    > The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    >
    > (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
    >
    > The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
    > human jumping the length of a football field.
    >
    > (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
    >
    > (And why pigs?)
    >
    > The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
    > attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
    > male's
    > head
    > off.
    >
    > (Honey, I'm home. What the....)
    >
    > (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
    >
    > Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    >
    > (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over
    > quantity.)
    >
    > Butterflies taste with their feet.
    >
    > (Oh, geez.)
    >
    > (That's almost as bad as catfish)
    >
    > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    >
    > (I know some people like that.)
    >
    > Starfish don't have brains.
    >
    > (I know some people like that too.)
    >
    > After reading all these, all I can say is...lucky pigs..

    ***Packer fans still feel cheated that their sex partners (the pigs) enjoy the sex more than the Packer fans do***

    LOL
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #518
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "westvirginiavikings" wrote:
    Sue over the property

    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

    "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

    "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

    "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

    "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
    God will use ME...remember that other lawyer joke a few pages back...the one where I get the big palacial house in Heaven....
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #519
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "westvirginiavikings" wrote:
    Sue over the property

    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

    "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

    "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

    "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

    "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
    God will use ME...remember that other lawyer joke a few pages back...the one where I get the big palacial house in Heaven....
    Did I say this one was about you?

  10. #520
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "westvirginiavikings" wrote:
    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "westvirginiavikings" wrote:
    Sue over the property

    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

    "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

    "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

    "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

    "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
    God will use ME...remember that other lawyer joke a few pages back...the one where I get the big palacial house in Heaven....
    Did I say this one was about you?
    ALL lawyer jokes are (at least indirectly) about ME!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

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