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  1. #501
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II







    Maid in the Shade









    "Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny,






    "can you give me twenty dollars?"







    "Certainly not," she replied.







    "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell






    you what dad said to the maid






    when you were at the beauty shop."







    His mother's ears perked up and,






    grabbing her purse, she handed






    over the money. "Well? What






    did he say?" she asked.







    "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make






    sure you wash my socks today.'"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #502
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Getting into fights

    A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

    "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

  3. #503
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This guy must have been a Packer fan!
    ;D

    A Distinct Lack Of Imagination


    There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
    He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
    Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
    He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
    The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
    The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
    When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
    After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #504
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    At the public pool

    The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

    "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

    "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

  5. #505
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "westvirginiavikings" wrote:
    A forester and lawyer

    A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

    St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

    Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

    St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
    And that lawyer will be ME!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #506
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Hell, explained by chemistry student

    You're gonna love the logic in this explanation. At least I hope so. HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

    The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
    (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at whic h souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #507
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Is the wife in control?

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

    Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

    God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

    The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

  8. #508
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The Marriage


    A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

    "That's a serious step," he said "Have you thought it out completely?"

    "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
    scared of the dark."

    "How about transportation?" the father asked.

    "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
    The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

    Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
    married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

    "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #509
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    What should they say?

    Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

    They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

  10. #510
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    CHINESE PROVERBS



    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run in front of car get tired.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man with one chopstick go hungry.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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