Page 5 of 201 FirstFirst ... 345671555105 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 2003
  1. #41
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    32,063

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Alligator shoes

    A young blonde was on vacation in New Iberia, Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very relucant to pay the price the local merchant, Thibodeaux, was asking.

    After being very frustrated with the "no hassle" attitude by the merchants, Melba shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    Thibodeaux said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one."

    Determined, the blonde turned and headed toward the swamp on Marsh Island in a motor boat she had rented, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day Thibodeaux was going to a state camp on Marsh Island when he spotted the young blonde standing waist-deep in water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward the blonde. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on the swamp bank.

    Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The storekeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back...and

    frustrated, shouted, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Bremerton, WA
    Posts
    128

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
    8. See if they could finally do the splits.
    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
    4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
    3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
    1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

    Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

    10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
    9. Get a blow job.
    8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
    7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
    6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
    5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
    4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
    3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
    2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
    1. Repeat number 9
    It all starts up front

  3. #43
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
    her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

    As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as when he noticed she had a prescription for birth control pills.
    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
    "Yes, they help me sleep at night."
    "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
    "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #44
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
    from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

    His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
    "Where are you going?"

    He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

    She says, "Why, are you sick?"

    He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of
    that Viagra stuff."

    Immediately the wife starts working and
    positioning herself to get out of her rocker and
    begins to put on her coat.

    He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

    She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

    He says, "Why, what do you need?"

    She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
    old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #45
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

    The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

    "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

    "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

    "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #46
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Catholic Blonde

    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nighty
    and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find
    that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not
    going to make love to her,he replied, "It's Lent."

    In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
    ever heard!

    Who did you lend it to,
    and for how long????
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #47
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    32,063

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Catholic Blonde

    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nighty
    and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find
    that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not
    going to make love to her,he replied, "It's Lent."

    In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
    ever heard!

    Who did you lend it to,
    and for how long????
    THEN she gave Cajunvike a BOOTY CALL!!! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #48
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

    Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic. And, since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.

    The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass... and, as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

    Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved ----- until Friday night arrived, that is, when again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

    The neighbors called the priest immediately and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

    There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #49
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    26,564

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
    stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
    "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
    merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
    allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
    He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
    their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove
    them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
    cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
    shopping, then drove home to put away
    the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned
    the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M and
    he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
    the kitchen floor.

    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on
    the way home.

    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
    homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
    ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
    breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
    bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

    At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
    finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
    managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
    Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
    being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
    learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
    they were."


    You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

  10. #50
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
    happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because
    it was all empty and quiet.
    "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried
    a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started
    to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
    "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
    Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
    "We're down here ."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

Page 5 of 201 FirstFirst ... 345671555105 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 9
    Last Post: 07-23-2009, 01:29 PM
  2. Official Minnesota Vikings Twitter Page
    By NodakPaul in forum Vikings Fan Forum
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-29-2009, 07:16 PM
  3. MOVED: Official Joke Page II
    By ultravikingfan in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-05-2007, 08:41 PM
  4. Official Joke Page
    By FedjeViking in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 208
    Last Post: 04-06-2006, 11:17 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •