Thread: Official Joke Page II

It only took 28 pages to get others posting jokes along with me!!

"FedjeViking" wrote:

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It only took 28 pages to get others posting jokes along with me!!

Your welcome

ONE DAY Ole was at the store and was talking with a gentleman when he said, "I really don't know what I should get Lena for our anniversary."
"Well, what did you get her last time?" asked the other.
"I took her on a trip to Germany," answered Ole.
"Maybe you should take her on another trip," suggested the other.
Ole thought for a while and then said happily, "It would be the perfect gift! I'll send her a airline ticket so she can come back!"

Robot bartender

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your I.Q.?" The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

The man is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink.

Again the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your I.Q.?"

"About 100," the man responds. Immediately, the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, fishing, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and says, "What's your I.Q.?"

"Err um... 50, I think," the man replies.

The robot says ... real slowly ... "So ..... you gonna follow dem Packers agin dis year?

"God, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"Man...what is that, God?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster
and like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as
smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but is
there a catch?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"What is that God?""

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... So you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first.
And it will have to be our little secret.............. .you know,
woman to woman."

Men advising women

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

SVEN WAS hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway. His first day he painted ten miles. The second day he only painted five.
His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest. But when Sven came back to work the next day, he only painted half a mile.
So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple, " Sven answered. "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!"

*********I humbly apologize if this or a similar joke has already been posted*********************

To,

Dear (IT) Technical support

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Bachelor 7.0 to wife 1.0 and found that the new program took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This was not mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Late Night Parties 2.5, and Sunday baseball 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday OGA Club 6.3 always fails, but Saturday shopping 7.1 runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the back ground whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Bachelor 7.0, but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help?
Joe


Reply from Technical support.

Dear Joe,

This is a common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Bachelor 7.0 to wife 1.0 thinking that wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run
everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge wife 1.0 and still
convert back to bachelor 7.0 as wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Bachelor 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/ Child support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you to keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any fault or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run C:\I APOLOGIZE program and avoid attempting to use *Esc-key.

It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGIZE a number of times, but
hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program but can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Shoes 2.0 and Jewellery 5.0.

Regards.
Technical support

:laughing3: Good advice!



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and,
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

:lol: