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  1. #31
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    WE ALL NEED A LITTLE HUMOR.........

    these are pretty good



    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

    *************************************

    In a Podiatrist's office:

    "Time wounds all heels."

    **************************

    On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

    "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

    **************************

    On a Septic Tank Truck:

    "We're #1 in the #2 business."

    **************************

    At a Proctologist's door:

    "To expedite your visit please back in."

    **************************

    On a Plumber's truck:

    "We repair what your husband fixed."

    **************************

    On a Plumber's truck:

    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

    **************************

    Pizza Shop Slogan:

    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

    **************************

    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

    "Invite us to your next blowout."

    **************************

    On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

    "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

    **************************

    At a Towing company:

    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

    **************************

    On an Electrician's truck:

    "Let us remove your shorts."

    **************************

    In a Nonsmoking Area:

    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    **************************

    On a Maternity Room door:

    "Push. Push. Push."

    **************************

    At an Optometrist's Office:

    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    **************************

    On a Taxidermist's window:

    "We really know our stuff."

    **************************

    On a Fence:

    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

    **************************

    At a Car Dealership:

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

    **************************

    Outside a Muffler Shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

    **************************

    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    **************************

    At the Electric Company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

    However, if you don't, you will be."

    **************************

    In a Restaurant window:

    "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

    **************************

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    **************************

    At a Propane Filling Station,

    "Thank heaven for little grills."

    **************************

    And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

    " Best place in town to take a leak."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #32
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    STATE TROOPERS - GOTTA LOVE THEM BOYS!!!!!


    IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED
    VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP IN THE SINGLE DIGITS OR
    BELOW. ONE MORNING IN MARCH 2004 ABOUT 3 A.M., A WYOMING STATE TROOPER
    RESPONDED TO A CALL OF A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN OF
    CASPER.

    THE TROOPER LOCATED THE CAR, WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING, STUCK IN THE
    DEEP SNOW ALONG SIDE THE HIGHWAY.

    PULLING IN BEHIND IT WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE
    DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND A MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL AND A NEAR EMPTY
    BOTTLE OF VODKA IN THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

    THE TROOPER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW AND THE DRIVER WOKE UP, SEEING THE ROTATING
    LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS
    CAR, THE MAN PANICKED. HE JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO DRIVE AND HIT THE GAS.
    THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 THEN 50 MPH BUT IT WAS STILL
    STUCK IN THE SNOW.

    THE TROOPER, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE
    SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED,
    THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR
    ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE TROOPER YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL
    OVER!" THE DRIVER OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL, AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.

    ONCE OUT OF THE CAR THE DRUNKEN DRIVER ASKED ABOUT THE TROOPER'S SPECIAL
    TRAINING AND JUST HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY RUN 50 MPH. THE MAN WAS ARRESTED,
    STILL BELIEVING THAT A TROOPER HAD OUTRUN HIS CAR.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #33
    RK.'s Avatar
    RK.
    RK. is offline Ring of Fame Rally Cross II Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A Beverly Hills company is developing computer chips that store mp3 music files in women's breast implants. They are being sold through the more well-known Beverly Hills plastic surgery clinics.

    This is being considered a major break-through and will provide an answer to a perennial problem, to wit:

    Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

    WWBGD

  4. #34
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    :roll: :laughing3:

    Dr. Visit

    I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
    His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get
    undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
    She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I
    observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam
    table:
    a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.!

    When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
    confused.
    This is my first exam.
    I know what the K-Y is for,
    and I know what the glove is for,
    but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

    At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
    door.
    He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......

    Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
    I said a BUTT LIGHT"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #35
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

    He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #36
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Watch For Bullets

    A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
    masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
    stomach.

    Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
    in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
    daughters and a healthy son.

    All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
    in tears.

    "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

    "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
    daughter.

    The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
    ago.

    About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
    "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

    Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
    years ago.

    A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

    "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
    tinkle and a bullet came out."

    "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

    I KNOW YOU ARE LAUGHING ---
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #37
    Jeremy's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Short jokes about Ryan Seascest

    I saw Ryan Seacrest on celebrity softball the other day. They didn't have a baseball bat small enough for him. He had to use a dried up french fry instead.

    Ryan Seacrest came over to my house the other day to use the bathroom. I had to get him a chair to stand on so he wouldn't pee all over the side of the toilet.

    I saw Ryan Seacreast in a department store once. He was hiding inside of shoe boxes then jumping out of them and scaring the customers. They had to ask him to leave. Silly Seacrest.

    Ryan Seacrest is part of a new ad campaign for Pepsi. They are putting life sized photos of him on the side of thier pop cans.

    Have you heard about the latest Ryan Seacest work out video? I saw a clip of it on TV. He was using a staple as a chin-up bar.

    Ryan Seacrest participated in a charity golfing event for the United Way. However, he was unable to complete the tournament. After sinking a put early in the first round he fell into the hole picking up his ball and sprained his ankle.

  8. #38
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole & Sven were driving over to Western Minnesota to pick up a "new" used tractor. After they'd been driving for about three hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive woman answered the door & they asked if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "The neighbors would talk if I let you stay with me in my house."

    "Don't Vorry," says Ole. "Ve'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the veater breaks, ve'll be gone by first light."

    The woman agreed. Ole & Sven went to the barn and settled in for the night in the haymow. In the morning, the weather was clear, and so shoveled out their truck & went on their way.

    About nine months later, Ole got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow they had met on that
    Weekend when they picked up the tractor. So Ole dropped in on Sven and asked, "Sven, do you remember that good-looking vidow from the farm we stayed on out vest?"

    "Ya, I do."

    "Did you get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Ya," Sven said, a little embarrassed. "I haf to admit dat I did."

    "And did you use my name `stead of telling her yer name?"

    Sven's face turned red and he said, "Ya, sorry, Ole. Afraid I did. Vy do you ask?"

    "Seems she yust died and left me everyting."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #39
    tarkenton10's Avatar
    tarkenton10 is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Bob is telling his friend what happened to him a few nights ago about how he was at a party and he meets another guy named Joe.

    Bob says "We started talking and I tell him that I always loved to fly and it is a passion of mine". Joe says that he owns a jet and it is really fast.

    He asked me if I wanted to go flying with him sometime. Well, we got to drinking and he said later on "why don't we go right now". I thought what the heck, let's go!!!

    So we are up in the air and he says that there is a bar in the back, go ahead and help myself. I walked back and made myself a drink and while I started to drink it Joe came back and sat down. I was worried and asked who is steering, he said don't worry it is on auto pilot.

    He asked how my drink was and I said fine. Then he said you either let me F**k you in the A$$ or jump. Well, I was shocked and said excuse me -he said again you either let me f**K you in the A$$ or jump!

    So his friend asked him, "what did you do"?

    He said...........................................I jumped..........

    A little............at first!!!!

    There s only two things stopping you - fear and common sense!! The Truth you CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!

  10. #40
    boognish's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    You're scary.
    I am a dipshit!!!

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