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  1. #21
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Slade" wrote:
    sooooo I saw 2 homeless people making out, so then I shouted "Get a box!"
    ukeright:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #22
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    NEVER TICK OFF THE NURSES

    A big-shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a
    royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
    own staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with
    him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
    into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
    arms, and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the head nurse stated, "but for
    this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round
    of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After
    feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to
    get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
    breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After a half
    hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asks
    the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
    someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #23
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This is long, but worth it! :lol:

    Calling the Jackass

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

    When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

    [Keep reading, it gets better.]

    The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

    I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

    A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
    "Yes, it is."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
    car's parked right out front."
    I said, "What's your name?"
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes,"
    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
    After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
    First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
    "Hello."
    I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
    The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
    I said, "Yeah."
    He said, "Stop calling me."
    I said, "No."
    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
    I said, "Don Hansen."
    He said "Where do you live?"
    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
    Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
    I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?"
    "I'll kick your ass."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

    Glorious!

    Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #24
    Potus2028 is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha haha

    that sounds like something you could go present as stand up
    i m better than you, so just give up...

  5. #25
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    This is long, but worth it! :lol:

    Calling the j~~~~~~s

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

    When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a j~~~~~~s!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "j~~~~~~s," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a j~~~~~~s!" It would always cheer me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the j~~~~~~s. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a j~~~~~~s!"

    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

    [Keep reading, it gets better.]

    The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

    I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a j~~~~~~s, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

    A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a j~~~~~~s!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
    "Yes, it is."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
    car's parked right out front."
    I said, "What's your name?"
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes,"
    "Don, you're a j~~~~~~s!" And I slammed the phone down.
    After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
    First, I had my phone dial j~~~~~~s #1. A man answered nicely saying,
    "Hello."
    I yelled "You're a j~~~~~~s!", but I didn't hang up.
    The j~~~~~~s said, "Are you still there?"
    I said, "Yeah."
    He said, "Stop calling me."
    I said, "No."
    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
    I said, "Don Hansen."
    He said "Where do you live?"
    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, j~~~~~~s!" and I hung up.
    Then I called j~~~~~~s #2. He answered, "Hello."
    I said, "Hello, j~~~~~~s!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?"
    "I'll kick your jiggly butt."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now j~~~~~~s!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my *** lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

    Glorious!

    Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
    I heard this one YEARS AGO...and I STILL laugh every time I see it! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #26
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Old Joke

    A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
    She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

    She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
    that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
    He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

  7. #27
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!


    DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
    Since she had to go to work the next day,
    she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
    Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
    the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
    whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
    REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
    discovered the biggest, meanest looking
    bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
    as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
    the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
    yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
    himself any longer and yelled,

    "Shut up, you stupid, ugly! bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #28
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Easter funny





    Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

    St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter?

    The blonde replies, Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.

    Wrong!, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question.

    What is Easter?

    The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

    St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, What is Easter?

    The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. I know what Easter is.

    Oh? says St. Peter incredulously.

    Of course. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus was ready to complete his ministry on earth and ate his last supper, the Passover meal, with his disciples. After that evening, he was betrayed and turned over to a Jewish mob by one of those disciples. After a show trial, the Romans tortured him, made him wear a crown of thorns, took him to be crucified and then he was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. Finally, he was stabbed in the side to make sure he was dead. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by large boulder.

    St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

    The third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #29
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Green Bay these days?"


    (This really said Alabama, but I changed it. :lol: )
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #30
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole decided he had reached a state of perfection, and had himself cloned.

    Unfortunately, the clone had a vulgar personality. People could not tell them apart, and began reacting badly towards Ole.

    Finally, he could stand it no longer. Ole pushed the clone off a cliff. But there were witnesses, and he was arrested and charged with "making an obscene clone fall."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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