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  1. #221
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so prayed:

    "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
    He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned he kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids and put hem to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and though his daily chores eren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking! I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #222
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The Preacher and the Cowboy

    A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

    After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda,
    which was brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

    Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
    advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

    The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
    too, I didn't know we had a choice.."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #223
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
    Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office.
    Sincerely,
    Edna
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #224
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Public Restrooms..

    For all you womem...this will make you laugh because only we can
    understand this :-)

    And you men will now undrstand why we wish we had your handy gadget at these times! ;>)

    My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms.
    When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the
    stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
    seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet
    paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct,
    "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.
    Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over
    the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
    flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd
    have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to
    change my clothes.

    That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more
    "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly
    difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder
    is full When you have to "go" in a public
    bathroom, you usually find a line of women that
    makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's
    underwear in there.

    So, you wait and smile politely at all the other
    ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling
    politely. You get closer and check for feet under
    the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly
    knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get
    in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter

    The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers"
    (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would
    hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't -
    so you
    carefully but quickly hang it around your neck.
    (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on
    the FLOOR!). You yank down your pants, and assume
    "The Stance" Ahhhh, relief. But then your thighs begin to shake.

    You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't
    taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on
    it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs
    experience a quake that would register an eight on
    the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your
    trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to
    be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind,
    you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if
    you would have tried to clean the seat, you would
    have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

    Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny
    tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
    one that's still in your purse. That would have to
    do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
    It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

    Someone pushes open your stall door because the
    latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse,
    which is hanging around your neck in front of your
    chest, and you and your purse topple backward
    against the tank of the toilet.

    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door,
    dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a
    puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the
    insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly,
    knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
    bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
    uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
    not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

    You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew,
    because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public
    toilet seat
    because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
    could get."

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
    the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending
    up a stream of water akin to a fountain that
    suddenly sucks everything down with such force that
    you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
    being dragged off to China.

    At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the
    splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe
    with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then
    slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't
    figure out how too operate the faucets with the
    automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
    and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
    still waiting, cross-legged at this point, no longer
    able to smile politely.

    One kind soul at the very end of the line points out
    that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on
    your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
    (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the
    paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and
    tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since
    entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read
    a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
    Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
    why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to
    deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).

    It finally explains to the men what really does take
    us so long. It also answers their other commonly
    asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
    other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

    Author unknown
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #225
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Lena was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Lena shouted, "Vell den, maybe I'll yust go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

    The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, you just go and give it a try, why don't ya!"

    Lena turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side where he spots Lena standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her with lightening speed, Lena takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.

    Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.

    Lena rolled her eyes and screamed in great frustration, "Uff da, dis one is barefoot, too!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #226
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready".

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Microsoft.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #227
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready".

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Microsoft.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
    How could you??? Disrespect to Indians worldwide!!!!

    And on your RUSH post to boot!!! :shock:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #228
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready".

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Microsoft.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
    How could you??? Disrespect to Indians worldwide!!!!

    And on your RUSH post to boot!!! :shock:
    HUH?

    And Cajun, I don't discrimminate! :lol: I post 'em as I get 'em!! No matter who it may offend, even you! :lol: :lol:
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #229
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready".

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Microsoft.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
    How could you??? Disrespect to Indians worldwide!!!!

    And on your RUSH post to boot!!! :shock:
    HUH?

    And Cajun, I don't discrimminate! :lol: I post 'em as I get 'em!! No matter who it may offend, even you! :lol: :lol:
    Ask Singer or one of the Canadians to explain that one! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  10. #230
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready".

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes, then said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Microsoft.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
    How could you??? Disrespect to Indians worldwide!!!!

    And on your RUSH post to boot!!! :shock:
    HUH?

    And Cajun, I don't discrimminate! :lol: I post 'em as I get 'em!! No matter who it may offend, even you! :lol: :lol:
    Ask Singer or one of the Canadians to explain that one! :lol:
    Somethings are better left unsaid.

    No cheescake for you Fedje! :grin:

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

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