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  1. #201
    JDogg926's Avatar
    JDogg926 is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sometimes women have a hard time understanding our needs! haha


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Why we split up:

    She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

    Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

    I asked her why I had to give up stuff and she didn't?

    She said she needed the make-up to look really pretty for me.

    I told her that was what the beer was for!



    I don't think she's coming back.
    542cbf305f333b0554e8ffa937f852d6

  2. #202
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Egg on Roof of Barn
    A rooster lays an egg on the roof of a barn. Each side of the roof has a 90 degree angle and windspeed is approxiamately 15 mph blowing in an eastern direction. The egg is layed at the front part of the roof, which has been caved in due to weather. Because of that part of the roof being caved in, it has a slight 45 degree angle to it, which is more than the rest of the roof. So, which side of the roof will the egg roll off of, the one with the eastern exposure, or the one with the western exposure?
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    Answer: Roosters don't lay eggs. Ha ha!
    Roosters taste really good in gumbos though! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  3. #203
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two Trees

    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
    here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
    tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that
    a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
    sapling.

    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
    is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in"

    Now wipe that smile off your face.

    And pass it on!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #204
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I heard that one before, but it still makes me laugh Cajun! :lol:

    Sven is in bed with his wife Inger when there is a
    rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

    He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
    three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this
    time," he thinks and rolls over.

    Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer
    that?" says Inger. So he drags himself out of bed and goes
    downstairs. He opens the door and there is Ole standing at
    the door. It didn't take Sven long to realize Ole was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurs Ole. "Can you give me a push??"

    "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says
    Sven and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells
    Inger what happened.

    She says, "Sven, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
    night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
    the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on
    Ole's house to get us started again? What would have
    happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

    "But Ole was drunk," says Sven.

    "It doesn't matter," says Inger. "He needs our help and to
    help him would be the decent thing to do."

    So Sven gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
    downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Ole
    anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

    And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

    So, still being unable to see Ole he shouts, "Where are
    you?"

    Ole replies, "Over here, on the swing."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #205
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    I heard that one before, but it still makes me laugh Cajun! :lol:

    Sven is in bed with his wife Inger when there is a
    rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

    He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
    three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this
    time," he thinks and rolls over.

    Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer
    that?" says Inger. So he drags himself out of bed and goes
    downstairs. He opens the door and there is Ole standing at
    the door. It didn't take Sven long to realize Ole was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurs Ole. "Can you give me a push??"

    "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says
    Sven and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells
    Inger what happened.

    She says, "Sven, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
    night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
    the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on
    Ole's house to get us started again? What would have
    happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

    "But Ole was drunk," says Sven.

    "It doesn't matter," says Inger. "He needs our help and to
    help him would be the decent thing to do."

    So Sven gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
    downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Ole
    anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

    And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

    So, still being unable to see Ole he shouts, "Where are
    you?"

    Ole replies, "Over here, on the swing."
    Wanh-wanhhhhhh... That was LAME!!! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  6. #206
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

    God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

    With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

    God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

    And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #207
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

    God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

    With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

    God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

    And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
    Dream on, ladies!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #208
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

    One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me.

    One for you, one for me," said one boy.

    Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
    As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
    He slowed down to investigate.
    Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.
    One for you, one for me."
    He just knew what it was.
    He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.
    One for you, one for me."
    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
    Let's see if we can see the Lord."
    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet still were unable to see anything.
    The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
    That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

    (They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.)
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #209
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of 1st graders, using a
    bowl of Lifesavers.


    The children called out:

    "Red.........................cherry,"

    "Yellow................lemon,"

    "Green......................"lime"

    "Orange......................"orange"

    Finally the teacher gave all of them honey lifesavers.

    After eating them, none of the children
    could identify the taste.

    "Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue;
    it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
    yelled:

    "Oh My God!!!! They're a$$holes!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #210
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A very unattractive, nasty, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
    her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?

    The ugly woman snarls, "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger
    one, she's 7.
    "Why... Do you think they really look alike?"

    "Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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